Crystal Palace v Everton Preview

Just when you thought you were out them tricky, snakey blues pull you back in again.

You won’t forget that game for a while for a few different reasons – none of which will not be covered below – but in the main it breathed life into a season with the hope that there’s something still worth watching and to achieve. That achievement on offer being a decent team of togger folk wearing royal blue that has promise of doing something better next season. The tender Everton trap indeed, we’ve been here before. And it will probably end up in the same cul-de-sac. But maybe it won’t.

And it’s that ‘maybe’ that feeds your addiction. Anyway fuck off Man City and fuck off Guardiola. And hello Everton v184.3.

 

CP01

 

So what was your favourite bit? I’m guessing it probably involved a slalom of a run from a Friends haired shit bearded young midfielder. An iconic goal to add to the masses as there’s something alluring about one of our own living the dream. The drive forward into space, that back heel inside, Lukaku inadvertently dummying the ball to Barkley who waited perfectly to show good ground control to Davies, Tom. And that chip. If you clicked it with a spoon it would be note perfect. Lukaku the arl arse nearly fucked it up but the moment was all about Thomas Davies of West Derby.

As far as St Domingo’s weekend club membership goes it was big dividends. We were expected to be outclassed by the resurgent galacticos of Man City and instead we needed less than 30% of the ball to pump them and pump them hard. To the point Goodison made Pep Guardiola ambivalent towards football, forcing him to stare at his new shoes as though he’d stepped in a massive turd. Mushed all the way over the tip.

The moment’s gone now though and we’ll probably spew it against Crystal Palace but for a while it was really sound. We need more of that shit defo.

Them rolled down socks and black boots though. The Ketwig Kaiser (@nsno_83 royalties mention) has turned up in L4.

No more superlatives, I promise.

 

CP02

 

So we take a trip to sarflundan this weekend to play a Crystal Palace team so at rock bottom that they sent the SOS for that fat swamp pig Sam Allardyce. This is the point where he ‘galvanises’ them to fuck and they start to pick up one nil wins until everyone gets used to him and agitates for better football. The fuck he even got to England Manager is a perfect damning of everything that’s so off putting about the national team.

You can expect a ten pack of Wrigley’s industrially crushed by a swaying jaw that should have KIRKBY SKIPS stencilled all over the side of it. No sleight on the type of football as whatever gets results is vindicated and if the football is so primitive then a half arsed Everton shouldn’t have any trouble putting them to bed should they?

 

CP03

 

There’s a real urgency for Palace to pick up points or find themselves deep in relegation worries for the remainder of the season, so as in most circumstances like this they’ll have a team working hard and it will need a similar effort from whoever they’re playing. I doubt somewhat that we’ll have only 29% of possession in this game but the onus is on Everton to make it count when they have superior quality, but that’s been a long term/current problem of Everton.

Nothing really much to report on their fans which is a bit of a disappointment. On the whole they’re a good parochial bunch of football fans with that fatalism that we recognise in ourselves. Sure they’re acting a bit too ultra with all that contrived atmosphere malarky they do but that’s easily put to one side when you remember the great debt football owes to them in ripping the doors off the kopite’s title precession a couple of years ago. Right when the commentary was urging Liverpool to go for goal difference. Right up you, dickheads.

 

CP04

 

So in the absence of calling the opposition scruffs or inferring unkind things about their local culture we will move on to a list of some Crystal Palace players who may or not be fit or in favour to play against Everton this weekend:

Benteke – a Sainsbury’s grock for the modern ages. Because he’s Belgian people hone in on his ‘great touch’ and ‘technical capability’ when in reality he’s a latter day Mick Harford.

Townsend – Tamagotchi headed little beaut who digs one in from 30 yards twice a season and all the Palace fans were deeming him an upgrade on Bolasie but now he might be sold after 6 months as two toeys a season doth not a player maketh.

Remy – he’s still playing? There’s the winner for typing that.

 

CP05

 

Cabaye – fuck me these have some decent players so why are they shithousing it so much?

McArthur – looks like every second Glaswegian I see drinking at 6am on the train to Scotland.

Tomkins – Gorillaz looking shitehawk

Dann – has a billboard of a forehead, it’s genuinely that big and rectangular with one tiny fucking face because of it.

Hennessey – the ace against us/shite on Match Of The Day combo we detest so much.

Time for Everton chat.

 

CP06

 

Whisper it quietly but I’ve got carried away by one game and are bout to imply that Lukaku is developing an all round target man game up front. The formation with three at the back and a mate for Lukaku up front seems to work best at the moment so let’s not change it please. Not that Koeman – with his head like a waterlogged Rice Krispy – reads these shit previews or indeed would listen to a fat bulb who has never earned a penny off football in his underwhelming life. It would be daft to not play Mirallas there for this, in the hope that he can find consistency from somewhere and a much needed foil for his Belgian team mate.

The midfield 3 of Barry, Barkley and Davies done the trick against Palace but even with the absence of the beautiful Gana Gueye we do have some options in there with Schneiderlin presumably one week less rustier and McCarthy back from injury. Only a good thing for Everton if we have that genuine competition in central midfield.

 

Suarez

 

No need to change a defence that conceded 0 goals in it’s last two league games (and a team who scored 7) so Williams, Funes Mori and Holgate will probably play three at the back which works with that personnel as Williams isn’t trying to do the awkward seniority rank dance with Jagielka, and both Funes Mori & Holgate are suited to a back three for different reasons. Holgate for development, Funes Mori because he’s a mad bastard who terrifies me when he gallops up the pitch or tries to dribble in his own half. Baines has been playing sound and that warms the heart that, along with him being a trio of scousers on the field. Coleman need to grow into the right wing back role so let’s see.

Well in Joel Robles and his midday Manhattan teeth as it was somewhat overlooked how secure he has looked in the past few games. Hope it’s the start of something.

 

Tom-Davies

 

And that hope of something good happening soon bookends the preview as we start and finish with the same wanton theme.

One of these days Everton are not gonna fuck it up, and what a day that will be.

In the meantime, right into these blues.

One Comment

  • Stephen Harrison  20/01/2017 at 13:14

    Fucking great read. Love it

    Reply

Leave A Comment

Please enter your name. Please enter an valid email address. Please enter a message.

Send this to friend