Middlesbrough v Everton Preview

Last night these two bouncers and one em’s alright, the other one’s the scary one.

There’s a bit of ritz to rubble to ritz in our season so far. With the absence of a crystal ball it’s hard to tell which direction it will go off next – maybe even some more rubble?

We’re getting better though and – whisper it quietly – it looks almost sustainable. Imagine that?

 

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Now of course it’s a bit daft to ponder being on the cusp of the elite when you’re shipping 3 goals at home to a piss poor Bournemouth so I reckon there’s a few more twists in the road yet before we’ll be happy with our lot. That boy ‘kaku can sure score some pretty goals though, but more of him later. And Koeman’s face naturally. Not much more.

Scoring six goals at Goodison is no mean feat though and it’s pretty evident that there’s more than a few building blocks for a decent side amongst everything Everton at the moment. The signing of Schneiderlin and Lookman has coincided with Davies and Holgate adding a stake to the first team squad, and Everton once more look like playing some productive football.

So onto one of the less glamorous away ties in the Premier League to Middlesbrough, that’s not in a demeaning way either as Boro (as such called from this point on) are a good club with parochial support but it’s just that the place itself is really shit.

 

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I very much doubt there’ll be 9 goals on offer this Saturday as Middlesbrough are not going to come at us in a cavalier fashion and nor should they, in fact it would be fucking daft. It’s their first season up and in Karanka they’ve got a savvy manager who realises the value of scrapping for a second season and the funds to push them higher in the league. I’d much rather Boro too than some of the shitehawks we’re exposed to coming up and down amongst the leagues.

I do recall a period when their stadium was called Cellnet where they had a couple of Brazilians and the fucking lemons tried to look down their nose at us, when Everton were shite. To be honest they probably didn’t but I need a justification of some sorts to make me feel better about eviscerating their local town and “culture”. In fact come to think of it I’ve got absolutely nothing against the people of Middlesbrough as they’ve just about north east enough to get affected by the sound gene. Or canny as they call it.

 

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In fact fuck them. And fuck their small town insular behaviour with loads of council estate Davo’s and Philo’s living for the weekend and a few bags in town getting smashed and sharing DNA with some of the most loosest women in the northern hemisphere. Or putting shit kits on their cars and watching back to back The Fast And The Furious and meeting up in night time industrial estates to rev their engines and coo at each other’s wheels, buzzing that someone has sprayed the fucking brakes red so you can see them through the wheels. Couple of sweats hanging around the petrol head scene there making them feel all macho.

Back to the Boro folk though and their myriad of small council estates trying to outdo each other for who is the most mental. Fucking nuts you lad. Yeah he’s barred out of every pub in Middlesbrough like it’s some sort of valour award. And you’ve got all these snivelling little scruffs admiring him for it and calling him “big man” as they let on in the street.

Middlesbrough reeks of St George’s flags for every international tournament and that’s a sure fire indication of small town insecure gobshite behaviour. A breeding ground for Brexit. How did the fuckers vote? Oh you know. You fucking know. A google vote just gave me the title “overwhelming”. 65% the bigoted mosque fearing little shitbags.

 

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The problem is that there’s just fuck all to do in Middlesbrough, apart from staring at a transporter bridge, or taking a picnic to watch some seals on a river bank sand. Or eating Parmos. Which to be fair are sound as fuck. So what are the people to do? Apart from next level gypsyness, interbreeding and testosterone fuelled grappling amongst vomit covered streets on a Saturday night.

You couldn’t do that on a Sunday. Of course not.

Where’s your Juninho now? Or your Soul Glo haired Emerson? Ravanelli? While Everton were having to put up with utter fucking dogs trying to get us relegated. You think you can do river bank stadiums? Let’s see about that then. Fully expect Stonebridge now for that.

Anyway they’re gonna play deep and look to hit us on the counter. Everton kryptonite, if you will. Here’s a list of some of their players:

Negredo – say that 3 times in the mirror and Patrice Evra appears to not shake Luis Suarez’s hand. Was an ace striker in his day but injuries have taken their toll, will still slot a brace against us on Saturday like.

Bamford – the only thing more Tory than Partick Bamford in football is Antonia Di Sancha revealing a bit of minge under her Chelsea shirt to that four eyed fuck Mellor.

 

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Gaston Ramirez – laughing at all the FIFA beauts lamenting him signing for Southampton because he looked half decent in a World Cup but has turned out utter shite.

Leadbitter – that shit and that static that if you put a capital H with a circle around on his head you’d have billionaire Texans trying to land on him when the Open golf is on.

Downing – Liverpool paid twenty millions pounds for him and were smug about it.

Guedioura – underwhelming Algerian who shit teams’ fans want to buy as he’s got 3 minutes of toeys on youtube. “Welcome to Middlesbrough”. Get fucked in the Atlas Mountains you shitehawk/scores the winner.

De Roon – if you had a blender it would be one part Leighton Baines, one part Frank Lampard and one part Peter Crouch, finish with a sprinkle of shit Dutch player not arsed what some fat bellend Evertonian calls him online as he drives an OVERFINCH and kisses much prettier girls than said fat beaut.

Fabio – little Favela gremlin who played for United but wasn’t as good as his brother.

 

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Victor Valdes – do you think he wakes up in the middle of the night and wonders “what the fuck”? I’d be seething at the injustice of it all before escaping, briefly taking up being a sea nomad until finding the hidden riches my only friend told me about, changing identity and getting revenge on them all one by one in a cruel manner, finishing with Messi who married my sweetheart. His son was mine all along though.

Anyway, we’re going there with our tail up and full of beans, meaning we will either put up a non performance or Middlesbrough will shithouse a win out of us and if they do then fair fucks, that’s Premier League football for you and no one has a divine right to win.

Good folk in Middlesbrough though.

So, Everton.

 

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Lukaku is boss, and so said all of us. Nothing more to add to it if you find yourself picking the edges off his game and urging him to throw himself into defenders more then I guarantee that loads of people who sit around you think you’re a tit. I’ll be devastated the day he fucks us off because I’ve got so used to a consistent ace Everton goalscorer and – pipe down with your Yakubus at the back – it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it produced in royal blue over a number of seasons. 2 more goals and he’s our best ever Premier League goalscorer. He’s 23. Valencia, Mirallas or Lookman somewhere up there with Lukaku probably.

Barkley lashing tackles in like it’s a wet pitch on a Saturday morning at SFX. Something seems to have clicked lately and we are all the better for it. Not sure what has caused it, but Koeman seems to know and that’s good enough for me. Schneiderlin fits nicely into the midfield with his workrate, closing down, availability for passes and range of passing. The excellent @EvertonMusings on twitter linked a video showing his beavering all round the pitch in the lead up to our crucial fourth goal. Someone putting their foot on the ball and taking charge at 3-2 was just what we needed, we’d have spewed that in years gone by. Enough premature tokenism, let’s see how he does.

 

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This is where Koeman – with his face like a dilapidated barn – has some choices to make as Davies has been excellent, McCarthy rejuvenated, Barry dependable and lest we forget the little sex blurt Gana Gueye fresh from his African adventure. Some midfield that. Nice to see genuine competition which can only be a benefit for Everton and you can guess with Koeman he will be ruthless about it all as it’s his way or no way, totalitarian.

With the defence we have at the moment it’s probably safe to persist with the 3 at the back as we are liable to fuck things up at some point. Williams hasn’t really pushed on from what we have had with Jagielka and co previously, Funes Mori is terrifying and Holgate is subject to learning the game. It will be an area of the pitch I reckon we’ll see additions for in the summer. Baines and Coleman will be out wide as wing or full backs and the incredibly handsome Joel Robles in goal.

 

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That was long.

Last night when I typed this it made so much sense. But now the haze has ascended it don’t make no sense anymore.

Right up the toffs.

2 Comments

  • tom  09/02/2017 at 13:30

    This was fucking shite

    Reply
  • Paul  10/02/2017 at 18:48

    Two of the worst aways I have ever been to have been at Middlesbrough. Freezin,rain,crap games which we usually lost to some poxy winner. I go with my nephew now & things look possible. We have to believe we can catch Manure & our wacky neighbours,especially with both to play.To finish above them would be hilarious since they won it in Aug. I just want to see Sky choke on Everton. COYB NSNO

    Reply

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