Everton v Hull Tigers Preview

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take this anymore.

Obviously I’m not but that’s what some want us to be. Maybe some of you are? Each to their own when it comes to your relationship with Everton.

It’s also a famous line from the movie “Network” which explores the media’s exploitation for profit. There’ll be some of that a little bit later on but admittedly it’s not particularly enlightening so if you’d rather do something more productive with your life than reading on then I wouldn’t blame you. We are only playing Hull Tigers for fuck sake.

 

HC01

 

Last game out was a comfortable three niller against West Brom at Goodison which made that seventh place look a bit more easy, but being Everton until it’s a mathematical certainty then no one is gonna rest on it. Even then the shite will probably win the Fair Play trophy and end up volleying us out of Europe. If so then at least we may get a wee A4 sized plaque 12 foot off the ground on big stand? Cup half full here.

What was nice was a reversal of the previous week where we tried to step up a level against Spurs and we’re put right back down without too much sweat. West Brom didn’t trouble us at all, and we’re left way out in front as the runaway leaders of the best of the rest. All that’s needed is a ruffle of our hair and we’re Brian Laws kneeling in the semi final mud.

What we should have been doing is looking forward to another home game this weekend against troubled opposition but instead Lukaku opened his grid, the papers got their wooden spoons out to stir and before you can say someone-fucking-gag-Belgium-ASAP there’s a press conference and Koeman barely talking about the game, while being as short as he can with dull hacks hoping to provoke him into a headline.

All a bit unsavoury but that’s your Premier League football for you, it’s been hijacked as a sort of male orientated Soap Opera for the purposes of column inches and ad clicks.

 

HC02

 

The whirlwind of fan social media hyper reaction is factored in and suddenly these elaborate stories develop which you find people going mental at each other in a fit of hysteria.

If you stop and look, and listen (fuck off Keegan) then it’s quite mad what is going on. For a start Premier League clubs have realised that PR is a useful weapon to have in your armoury when running a business so heavily scrutinised. So over the past decade you’ve noticed more and more Directors Of Communications emerging with a remit to communicate the best image of the club to the press and fans, and limit the risk from negative exposure.

As a result Premier League press conferences and official interviews now give a heavily sanitised version of what is going on at the respective clubs. This includes to the media who are restricted to this hands off approach from the clubs, as one wrong move or comment and it’s SCANDAL all over the back pages. So with the media not having as much of a clue as you or me what is going on they proceed to create their own narrative as to what’s really going on, with cited “sources close to the club” when really it’s mostly horseshit designed to get interest stirred and traffic to their website. With useful ad revenue generated through traffic being a stringent KPI demanded by their paymasters.

 

HC03

 

A few years ago I could find out Everton’s team the night before the game too easily. Then that suddenly stopped for many of us. It was part of the whole process going on to reduce any realities of what is happening inside the club getting out, and fair fucks it’s an important control. It’s how I know that most of the ITKs out there know as little as me as the days of knowing who we may be signing or team news, or who’s fell out with who on the training field are mostly consigned to the past. These are large companies with turnover of hundreds of millions in an ultra competitive market now, and no proficient company at that level would leak any information to it’s competitors to any outlet that could damage it’s reputation or strategy.

So a long winded way of saying don’t get too sucked into all the shit that is whirling around. It’s mostly made up to make you as mad as hell. Nor am I saying that all journalists are bad as that would be clearly untrue. The Echo didn’t do itselves any favours with the building up of the Lukaku hysteria this week. The Echo will be aware that it’s getting marginalised by the club year by year so that’s a problem they’ll have to work out for itself. If it isn’t careful then it will be marginalised by the fans too judging by the comments on social media (no bastion of normality, granted) which is a shame as there’s some decent journalists working for it, even if that won’t be too popular for me to remark. Soz.

Lukaku probably wants to leave Everton, so fucking what? We’ve known that for beards, he’s an ace striker and we are not playing in the Champions League. There’s your story. Maybe there is a big game of brinksmanship between Riola and the club, or the player, or the manager. We wouldn’t know, none of us would. Even you. Unless you’re Lukaku reading this in which case I hope you noticed I never once doubted you even when you had the first touch of a 1970s Leyland Daf and Eto’o deleted you on Instagram.

 

HC04

 

So a bit about Hull then. Well you know what Hull is and who they are and there’s not much more than that. Hull is a very shite city which is top of it’s own mini league v some really shite cities over on that east coast. They recently sullied the Capital Of Culture moniker, but no sweat as they got slops on us. Hull is fucking slop.

So what do you do when you’re from a shithole? In the 21st century you try to market your way out of it, create a new identity and reinvent yourself. As part of this strategy it was decided to add the word Tigers to their name. Now, before I get more offers of straighteners on twitter from pikey looking slobs from Hull, I am fully aware that it was your much maligned owner who dreamt up that idea but you scruffy fucking oafs were filmed doing tiger mauling gestures after scoring a goal so that is as much collusion as anyone needs. You revel in being called Tigers you scuffy utterly pointless nit ridden somewhere in Yorkshire shithole fucks.

They’ve changed manager to a latin sounding sort and are now not getting tonked so much and looking to battle their way out of relegation and another season in the Premier League which would be one utter disaster if them geordie bells make it up as it would mean one fifth of your away games involves heading to the east coast to some desolate shithole full of banter ridden Soccer AM adoring deadbeats.

 

HC05

 

Here’s a list of some of their players:

Niasse – what a man, winner against the shite and playing to the point where Hull may be forced to throw money at us for him.

Grosicki – genuinely surprised the brexit mutants in Hull allow a Pole on the payroll.

Clucas – can take pride in the being the first footballer to have matching colour hair, skin and football shirt. It’s like someone has fucked up with the Paint option on Deluxe Paint 2, Amiga 500.

Markovic – 20 million pounds, best young talent in Europe. Comolli that lar.

Huddlestone – gains more mass each game he plays to the point now where he doesn’t have ten team mates, only ten moons orbiting around him wearing Hull kits, caught in his fat gravity.

Robertson – decent left back worth a punt, perhaps a little bit too Naysmith.

That’s about it. I don’t mind Hull and hope they stay up.

 

HC06

 

All eyes on the 19 goal striker up front for Everton this weekend who must realise he’s just one half arsed run down the channels away from yer dar in the Lower Bullens screaming at him to fuck off and play for the shirt. On the contrary his comments the other night resonated with most Evertonians and I wouldn’t be surprised at a spontaneous showing of support for him this weekend. And there they were thinking Evertonians heads would roll clean off. We’re a weird bunch, but I’m so proud to associate myself with you. Barkley’s negotiating strategy for his new deal took a twist as Koeman was happy to say he’d have no option but to sell him. Maybe naive on my part but I can’t see Barkley leaving Everton too soon as, well, he’s still got something to prove in royal blue. If he does shithouse us in the summer then I’ll have no hesitation in pointing out that he shares the same eyelids as Simon Weston. I’m sure Ross doesn’t want it to come to that.

Fuck knows who will play in the midfield as we have an abundance of options but a quick nod at Schneiderlin’s goal last week as it gets better each time you watch it. Mirallas put a shift in and had one of his decent games. Lookman, Valencia and Calvert-Lewin provide Koeman with some options up front too.

Williams and Jagielka seem good at home against teams who won’t try and attack us so can’t see much change there. Is Baines over his injury? If so him and Coleman at full back, the sharp hair and blunt teeth of Robles in goal.

 

HC07

 

Too many words this week so I’ll bring it to a close. It fucks me off that shitehawks like these come to our ground and take points away from us. I’m as mad as Hull about it, and not going to take it anymore.

Right into these blues.

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