Hark this cry, o sainted men of Walton. Before thee lies the greatest of obstacles in your push for glory. Be steady, ye of Prince Rupert’s Tower. Thine bitterest rivals wish to destroy you, and it is thine duty to slay them on your path to greatness. So hear us, hallowed Blues. Cry God for Bryan, for Everton and St Domingo!
Didn’t see that coming, did you? Basically translates as ‘these are sh*t, these’.
We’re at a critical juncture in the season now. After this follows trips to Tottenham, Chelsea and Newcastle. With us a point behind Tuesday’s opponents and the next side we travel to, three points are vital.
Good news that it’s Liverpool we’ve got then, eh?
The redsh*te. The only club with respectable, sensible fans on the endangered species list. The bunch who reckon it’s hilarious to call us Welsh from their computers in Oslo. So much hatred all in one place. About time to leap straight into the lion’s den and sort out three points, eh?
It does seem like a bit of a quest, and we’re doing it for more than just us. Arsenal, Chelsea, Man City and Spurs fans will all be rooting for us, because no-one wants Liverpool to do well. And they still underestimate us. How naughty will it be when plucky wee Everton pull the rug from under them? There you are then. The People vs Liverpool Football Club. At last.
Let’s get down to it. Both sides are in a bit of disarray. We’re struggling massively with injuries – so much so that we have absolutely no idea what side will be out on Tuesday. Clueless. This preview’s gonna go really well. At least we have a tasty looking FA Cup 5th round tie at home to Swansea to look forward to, with a great chance of reaching Wembley for the first time since 2009. AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US… WE’RE GONNA LOAN THE CUP.
We dealt well with Stevenage; professionalism is key and we had it, which is the main reason I think we’ll get something from the derby. If the eleven men on the pitch trust each other and work as a solid unit, they’re hard to undo. Who had a Naismith double, Heitinga and Gueye with an Osman brace of assists though? All we needed for a full house in Boo Boys Bingo was Bill Kenwright to run on in the 90th and stick in a Davie Hickson flying header. And then buy someone on a permanent.
Obviously I can’t fail to mention our Bry Oviedo, who suffered a shocker of a leg break and is suddenly set to miss the World Cup. That’s the biggest tragedy of all, especially as he has been boss this season. The prognosis is good, considering the nature of the injury, so he should be able to pick up where he left off next season. Hopefully we’ll hear a grand old rendition of “Oviedo Baby” in the 8th minute of the derby. He’ll love that.
So now to the biggest selection headache since the search for a jury for OJ Simpson. Let’s start with goalkeepers. Tim Howard is fit, and so is Joel Robles. So there is a position where we’re aces, would you believe.
The defence is a nightmare right now. Alcaraz will not play. Distin and Coleman are doubts. So Stones, Jagielka and Baines are the only definites. Heitinga will be too busy flitting off to his new club so Saturday was a fond farewell. You have to appreciate the gusto with which he celebrated. Ta ra, Johnny.
Barry and McCarthy are just pure boss. I’m starting to think that they may be invincible. Mere mortals in line to play ahead of them are Osman, Mirallas, McGeady, Naismith, Deulofeu, Pienaar and Barkley. The latter three are shrouded in mystery right now. Deulofeu’s training, Pienaar’s injury wasn’t all that and Barkley could sacrifice himself for it by having a painkilling injection. In true Everton fashion, we’ll know about half an hour from kick-off. McGeady showed against Stevenage that he’s not 100% yet, but does have the ultimate five star FIFA tekkers like. So he’s sound for a cheap buy off Spartak Moscow.
And just to put the cat amongst the pigeons, I like Steven Naismith. His work rate is exceptional, he looks to attack and scores goals, when he’s not making daft runs like he did right ahead of Mirallas on Saturday. It works when he’s playing centrally, because he gets lost on the wing. So could he play behind shoo-in Romelu Lukaku? Possibly. Traore is very unlikely, but he can replace Lukaku against Chelsea. Because we love playing with a loan striker. Aha.
Liverpool are in disarray too, but mostly because they’re putting in some truly sh*te performances. Conceding three against Stoke is a crime, and Luis Suarez did what he does best – cheating – to grab a point at home against Villa. Even against Bournemouth, their best-laid plans were almost ruined by Lewis Grabban and Andrew Surman. Mignolet has committed some real howlers recently, because he doesn’t trust his defence and therefore doesn’t trust himself. Simple.
Kelly, Toure, Skrtel and Cissokho are set to make up the defence, with Johnson, Agger, Sakho and Enrique all out. Stop me when you hear a name you’re worried about. Steven Gerrard is a mere shadow of the man who has terrorised us for years, although it’s not worth giving him space to prove us wrong. Henderson’s Henderson, and no matter how many times Jamie Redknapp calls him a “good kid” he’s still bollocks. I can close my eyes and see Joe Allen’s sitter disaster at Goodison as clear as day, so cheers for that Joe. I use it when I need cheering up. That and Bry slotting against United.
Moses played well against Bournemouth, which is hilarious because he might get another start against us. Perfect. Sterling’s the next name to be tamed by Leighton Baines, if he doesn’t slap anyone he isn’t supposed to before Tuesday night. The one Liverpool player I’d have, because he’s talented and not a total scrote (that I know of), is Philippe Coutinho. He’ll sit in behind 2014 arselick beneficiaries Suarez and Sturridge. Bournemouth worked out how to deal with them though.
By staying tight to Suarez when he was within 35 yards of goal, they forced him to go deep to collect the ball, and he became the midfield’s problem. One they handled quite well. Sturridge drifts forwards, but can’t hold up the ball. Keep them apart and it becomes tough for either to pick a pass. If I can see that, Roberto can. Fact of the matter is that we need to keep the pressure on, because that defence can’t deal with it.
The over-riding emotion concerning this derby is evident in the comments of our boss, players and fans. Sin Miedo. We’re fearless. It’s massive, but we can use that to prove ourselves, not worrying that we’ll lose out. So this is it lads. Do it for Bryan. Do it for the “neutrals” who want us to do ’em. Do it for Kevin Campbell. Do it for the young lids who have never seen us beat them in their own back yard.
Cry God for Bryan, for Everton and St Domingo.