Hello again. Did you miss me? More importantly…did you miss them?

The international break is normally a time in which the fume settles and Everton’s former sins are slowly absolved because, let’s face it, even the really shite performances are better than watching England. However, there wasn’t really much need to forgive and forget this time around, because the Spurs game was in fact so forgettable it was as if every spectator suffered some sort of Saturday night amnesia. Saturday Night Amnesia, the Saturday Night Fever sequel they forgot to release. Seriously though, do you remember any of it, at all? Tom Cleverley completed his Everton induction by making a really promising start before getting injured, so he’s out for a couple of months. Harry Kane’s Maga 2k15 hangover continues as he fails to score after being put in one-on-one with the Flying Starfish, failing to get his Fred Perry cap out of his eyes and pull up his Lonsdale trackies in time and missing a simple chance. Tim Howard picked up the Man of the Match award – NO REALLY – and deserved it too – I’M HONESTLY NOT BULLSHITTING HERE. I lay into our Tim a fair bit, as he has been living off dubious World Cup fame for over a year now, but he rescued a point for us at White Hart Lane. The way the chances fell played to his strengths, his reflexes and instinctive shot-stopping rather than decision-making or positioning, and he made some solid saves. Not quite ‘Secretary of Defence’, but good. So that was an away point we can be content with.


So what’s happened in the mean time then? There was the whole refugee/migrant crisis that rumbled on through the past fortnight and will continue to do so. I’m not going to wade in because you’re here for Everton and not my ramblings, but I would suggest stopping calling them “refugees” or “migrants” or “the swarm” or whatever you’re labeling them, and just call them people. It’s easier when you do that. Also if one of them has the ability to cross the ball we’re signing them to replace McGeady. There was of course the 9/11 remembrance – I certainly hope the generation that don’t remember it never have to witness such an atrocity. What’s that? Countless atrocities worse than 9/11 have been committed in their life time but they’re not as important because they didn’t happen to white Western people? Shhhhh.

There was some international football too I think. England…did stuff. Wayne Rooney became England’s leading goal scorer, and to be honest most Evertonians would tell you he could have achieved so much more at this stage with the raw talent he had as a kid. Some would do it through gritted teeth, and then call him a bastard, but you get it. Ross Barkley scored his first England goal and swiftly realised it’ll never match the thrill of lashing one in at the Gwladys Street End. Scotland were Scotland. International football is back in a month, but who’s arsed? Everton are back.

Oh….oh this is perfect. Get in. It’s only Chelsea isn’t it?

"Fuck off in that direction Jose la"

“Fuck off in that direction Jose la”

Even on a normal day this pack of bellends are an absolute delight, led by Jose Mourinho, him who’s always slurring utter bullshit like a drunk outside the local who swears he had a trial with Everton under Howard Kendall. Or maybe like Kendall himself after a whiskey too many. I have it on good authority that they’re all rentboys mate, every one of them Chelsea bastards is a fucking rentboy. But this one’s really special. They tried to woo our John Stones away, mouthing off to the press about him, turning formerly respected journalists into blathering morons seemingly determined to make sure plucky little Everton have to sell their players to the big boys. There were bids rejected, a transfer request rejected, and a whole lot of talk, but Stones stayed. And we can’t wait to rub their noses in it.

We did a bit of business ourselves, signing Ramiro Funes Mori for an above-budget price, and it’d be worth every penny if he’s boss even for one game and shuts Tim Vickery up. Vickery there, with a face like a roasted almond, whining about Martinez signing Alcaraz (twice) and Mauro Boselli. Alright, he can have those. But Funes Mori hasn’t kicked a ball in England yet, so who knows? Also disclosing the £9.5m fee was such an obvious ploy we should’ve thrown caution to the wind and had Bill Kenwright running up and down Goodison Road screaming “LOOK, WE ACTUALLY SPENT MONEY, AREN’T WE THE BESTEST BOARD EVER?!”. More non-Monopoly money was spent to bring Aaron Lennon in, and he even cracked a smile once he realised he never had to play for Spurs ever again. It’s a good signing, no two ways about it. Very rarely do you get a Premier League quality winger with such an excellent work rate and still the pace and footwork to give defences a hard time. It’s up to Lennon to prove that he’s not past his best. After flirting with Yarmolenko for so long we must have been sending him nudes for a while there it was bitterly disappointing not to pick up the intelligent, skilful attacking mid/number 10/inside forward, depending on which generation you come from, that we desperately needed. But there are options, say Roberto Martinez. We’re thinking Barkley, Mirallas or even Kone. He’s thinking Naismith or Osman.

John Stones

Back to the utter delight that is Chelsea FC then. Their contribution to football is essentially the roving squad of shitheads that stabbed people on the Tube and roughhoused black fans at Stamford Bridge in the Eighties, plus kicking off the Premier League arms race that made the signing of Anthony Martial for £36m this summer possible. Cheers Chelsea. They were rocked by an injury to Thibaut Courtois, but there’s Asmir Begovic in reserve. Like having Russian dolls, one boss keeper inside another. It’ll make little difference to them. It’s hard to call the defence precisely because Mourinho called them all shite and rightly so. It should be Azpilicueta, Ivanovic, Terry and Stones-oh, wait. Hahahahaha. Nope. Cahill or Zouma could be in there. Azpilicueta could even move to right back to accommodate Baba Rahman. Chelsea fans really don’t want Ramires to play, so let’s hope he does. Fabregas and Matic in midfield, probably Hazard, Willian and that man Ramires behind ugly grock Costa.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a tint of arrogance about.


Everton then. Howard in goal, Coleman, Stones (YES. JOHNNY FUCKIN’ STONES) and Jagielka in the middle. Bryan Cheesestrings Oviedo is unsurprisingly a doubt so it’s either a return for young Galloway, who looked out of his depth against Man City, or a baptism of fire for Funes Mori. Barry and McCarthy in the middle because of the status quo, Barkley behind Lukaku. Nice solid core there. Lennon should start on the left to protect whoever is at left back. Mirallas has to be on the right doesn’t he? There you go then. Kone to start.

My prediction, you say? Well…

We need to lay into this lot. It’s Chelsea, for one. They wanted one of ours, they tried to steal him, but money couldn’t buy them Stones. Also, they’re Chelsea. Everton are back and that Goodison Roar need to be with them. Because when we’re at our ferocious, feral best, no North Face sporting travelling Londoners want a piece of us.

Let’s tear into this lot Everton.

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