Deadline day saw Ramiro Funes Mori finally complete his move to Everton after a fortnight of hammering the minibar on Elstone’s credit card. Nine and a half million though? Fucking hell, thought it was going to be five mil and a moody friendly at a later date. To offset that though, Aaron Lennon arrived on a permanent deal for a thoroughly reasonable price. One of the few bright sparks of last season, his arrival should mean Aiden McGeady’s final Everton appearance will be in the inevitable 2-1 defeat at Reading in the League cup. I’m not going to harp on about the window as it’s been done to death, but it could have gone better. Keeping Stones was the highlight.
International football is shite. Let’s get that out of the way early. Absolute scruffy dog arse. Speaking of scruffy dogs, Naismith played for Scotland as they Everton’d fuck out of a promising campaign by losing to a team ranked below Aruba. Ireland won and McCarthy played. Besic and Lukaku faced off, with the ebony prince coming out on top. Stones played and Barkley scored against faux Italian plumbers. Then everybody did it all again a few days later. It was still shite. They might make your life a misery but by Christ do you miss Everton when they’re not in your life.
12.09.15 Chelsea (h)
Fuck off Mourinho
The L4 Azzuri at their scintillating best, dispatching the champions of England in emphatic style with Steven Naismith, despite looking startlingly similar to a Fanta lemon can that’s been washed up on the beach and faded by the sun, knocked in a perfect hat trick after coming on as a sub. His was one of a number of sound performances with Barkley starting to really find form, Stones proving why £37m was nowhere near enough and Galloway looking like Lescott did when he first arrived in his centre-half-playing-left-back-
The Conservative Party Football and Athletic Society started well and had most of the early ball without actually looking too threatening. Besic pulled his hamstring early on and was replaced by Jon Snow’s wolf off Game of Thrones. About 5 minutes later he started the move in midfield, linking up with Galloway and getting on the end of the resulting cross. One nil the Ev. Shortly after, Lukaku muscled the ball off some scruff on the wing, played a neat one two with Kone and fed Barkley, who looked up and found Naismith in space. A low drilled left footer from 20 yards left Begovic clutching at thin air.
Looking really comfortable and in control? Check. Passing the ball about with venomous intent? Check. Concede completely against the run of play? There’s your Everton full house. The superb Matic picked the ball up in midfield, took a couple of touches and lashed a 35 yarder whistling into the top bin. Half time. To be totally honest, fuck all really happened in the second half. We got our first look at Ramiro Funes Mori when he replaced the injured Coleman. He looks sound enough and I’ve got all the time in the world for them massive socks he had on. Ste Nasty killed the game in the last 10 minutes, slotting a low right footer past Begovic from a tight angle after gorgeous build up play involving Stones, Lennon and Barkley. First hat trick in the league for the tricky blues in fucking ages. Well in.
Perfect performance and result at the start of a really tricky run of fixtures and Mourinho piped down into the bargain. Saturdays are boss when Everton win.
19.09.15 Swansea (a)
Well that was all a bit meh. A second stalemate on the road in succession and a let down really as all three points were there for the taking. The only saving grace is, twelve months ago that would have been a spineless two nil defeat.
Coleman missed out after a hamstring tweak, the latest in a long line of muscle injuries that beg the question of just how the fuck do we warm up for games? My money is on a massive game of British Bulldog followed by a Deep Heat bath. Browning came in to complete an all English back four, with three of them 21 or younger. Good signs for the future. Galloway was sound again and could have scored in the second half after a neat turn in the box but rather snatched at his shot and it drifted harmlessly wide.
Lukaku was the chief culprit in profligacy (get on word a day toilet paper) spurning several really good chances, the worst of which after being played through by a defence splitting pass from Barry who, despite being slower than the Chilcot enquiry, is actually having a decent season. Barkley was dead sound again, looking really comfortable on the ball and at times, Swansea couldn’t get near him. More of that please Ross. I’m running out of things to say about John Stones. I just fucking love him. Skipping out of defence, nutmegging midfielders to set up attacks like a young Franco Baresi. Just try not to think of him playing for Chelsea next season.
Just as the game was petering out to nothing, Mirallas came on as a 91st minute sub and lasted 136 seconds before seeing a straight red for an ankle breaker on some scruff. The debate for whether he should have been brought on earlier was rendered moot as him being a petulant dickhead means he’ll miss Reading, West Brom and the derby, a game in which he normally excels.
All in all, not too much to complain about so far with three clean sheets on the road and only defeat to City blotting the jotters. In a decent position to kick on now, and hopefully a league cup run as well. Inevitable 1-0 defeat at Reading with a weakened side it is then.
DAVID CAMERON SHAGGED A DEAD PIG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
22.09.15 Reading (a)
“We’re up for the league, we’re up for the cup”
The one major domestic trophy to elude Everton throughout our history, and probably the most winnable too, given your Citys and Chelseas will play weakened sides right up until the final. A trip to leafy Berkshire where every bin has its own fox, every street has its own Waitrose and every town has its own Tory councillor with a dark and murky past that he’d rather you not know about.
Another run out in the olive and tangerine monstrosity that we’ve all grown to love and a bold looking lineup with a couple of changes and what looked like 3-5-2 soon turned out to be a baffling clusterfuck of a formation that saw Aaron Lennon playing at right back, Deulofeu on Lennon’s wing and Leon Osman in the MH370 position as he disappeared without trace.
A tepid opening half hour with little to no goalmouth action saw both teams bizarrely lashing the ball out near the corner flag in homage to the stadium’s other tenants, London Irish. A quick counter attack saw the opening goal for the hosts as a peach of a cross curled past the entire Everton back line and landed perfectly for Blackman to slide in and net at the far post sending the locals into the kind of delirium not seen since the General Election results were announced. Fucking goal music an all, the banter loving bellwhiffs.
Second half and Barry came on for the ineffective Kone and got a grip on the came, taking control of the midfield. A minute later and Stones hobbled off injured, hopefully just as a precaution. Lukaku had one of his worst games with all the delicate ball control of a Peter Sutcliffe claw hammer. Everton roared into life when a corner on the hour mark was headed out to the edge of the box and Barkley watched it drop perfectly onto a thunderbastard of a left foot volley. STROOOIKAAAH. From there on, there was only going to be one winner and the vital goal came from a free kick from Gerard Deulofeu. Nicely struck but lacking power, thankfully Ali Al Habsi had wrists like KitKats and the ball ended up nestled in the net.
Into the hat for the 5th round then, and a real opportunity to go on and get some silverware.
28.09.15 West Brom (a)
A trip into the deepest, darkest Black Country to round off the month and this sorry excuse for a monthly review. Accents thicker than house bricks and double denim all over the show. Boing boing indeed. Stones didn’t make it back from his knock against Reading so Funes Mori started alongside Jagielka at the back. Kone dropped to the bench and Deulofeu came in for his first league start back in the royal blue.
The first half, for want of a better phrase, was a steaming gallon of runny shite. Absolutely nothing whatsoever happened until West Brom broke the deadlock on 41 minutes. A complete skullfuck of a game was woken with a start as Funes Mori tried a South American dribble from defence and made a complete arse of it. The resultant tackle dropped to Barry who played an inch perfect ball to some grock in stripes who fed Berahinho. Howard came, Howard stopped, Howard dithered and Howard dived the wrong way. The net rippled. Fuck off Everton. Much improvement required after half time.
Fairly obvious then that the next action would see West Brom extend their lead. Pitiful defending from a corner saw Dawson head in from 6 yards. The home fans had barely started “boinging” before the ball found its way to Deulofeu. The wee Spaniard with the wee gay dug shuffled his feet, did the sexy crossing thing and before you could say “owroight bab, ow am ya moit?” Lukaku had risen highest to nestle a header in the far corner. Game on.
Martinez shuffled the pack and brought on a striker that looks like a pint of Guinness and a midfielder that enjoys 12 pints of Guinness before going out to watch the Tour De France. It was the Ivorian camel whisperer that brought back parity after excellent work and a lovely reverse through ball from Lukaku. A cool finish past Myhill and the travelling Evertonians went mad. From then on, there was only going to be one winner and another Lukaku strike from another magnificent Deulofeu cross on 83 minutes capped a fine comeback. West Brom huffed and puffed but an equaliser was not forthcoming and the Blues remain undefeated on the road. Special mention to Brendan Galloway for a superb sliding tackle at 2-1 to deny Berahinho a tap in. The young lad is looking a real acquisition.
So that was September. 5th place, into the 5th round of the cup and showing signs of potential to go on a real run, if the simple mistakes can just be cut out. A tough month ahead though with the Fun, United and Arsenal all to play.
Up the fucking Toffees x