Oh hello there. Not seen you in, oh, must be about a month now. You not bored of these yet? Fair enough, pull up a comfortable seat and let me tell you a tale of a group of conquistadors in azul y blanco.


04.10.15 Liverpool (h)

First up for October, well it’s only our darling companions from across L4. Those pocket pissing scamps. Like most of you I’d imagine, I fucking despise derby day, especially the home fixture. I fully expect to get tonked at the pit so I set expectations accordingly. At Goodison though, there’s the feeling that we should probably win but inevitably find a way to avoid doing so, and so it proved again.

Possibly the worst Liverpool side to come to the Old Lady in recent memory, and the blues could only manage a draw. Sound. Stones and Coleman never made it back from injury so the back 4 was unchanged from West Brom. The first half hour saw Beelzebub’s XI dominate possession, winning a succession of corners but without really threatening Howard’s goal. Mignolet pulled off a couple of exceptional saves from Naismith and then McCarthy, despite normally being absolute arse biscuits.

With the game seemingly drifting into a half time stalemate, they went ahead from another corner. Tim Howard showed more fear of a cross than Jesus after a night on the ale with Judas Iscariot, Barkley lost his man and Danny Ings converted with his nose from 3 yards. Twat. Just as you were getting ready for a 15 minute tirade about all things Howard, Martinez and Everton, Romelu Lukaku popped up to pounce on a terrible attempted clearance from the woeful Can and did that thing where he slots coolly then looks dead happy about it. Half time.

The second period saw a reversal in possession as Everton took the game by the scruff of the neck. Lukaku twice came close and Barkley saw a curving effort sneak just wide after a superb solo run from deep. With a quarter of an hour to go, referee Atkinson reverted to cuntish type and failed to send off the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder tried to shave his bird’s fanny, Lucas Leiva, for a cynical trip that more than warranted a second yellow. Shitebag. The search for a winner was in vain however and it was more a case of two points dropped than one gained.

Funes Mori was particularly impressive at the back and Lukaku’s hold up play was superb at times, looking completely unplayable. Mad the way Martin Skrtel can get a Big Mac at Burger King but can’t wrestle a football off Romelu Lukaku. Who’s up next? United at home before Arsenal away. Great, isn’t it? And more international breaks. Oh yeah, nearly forgot there, inabit Brendan you teeth whitening, dog shagging disaster zone of a man.


International football is shite. But Ross Barkley is sound. Message ends.


17.10.15 Manchester United (h)

Like most of you, I like a lie in on a Saturday. My routine normally involves rolling over and checking Twitter with a coffee. Most weeks, it’s full of mundane shite that sets you up for the day, but today was different. Evertonians were absolutely rocked to the core by the news that our most successful manager of all time, Howard Kendall, had passed away after a short illness, in hospital, surrounded by those he loved. There are much better places to go if you want to read an obituary of all he achieved so I’ll suffice myself with a quick rest in peace Howard.

Test two of a trio of tricky ties (little treat for fans of alliteration) saw the visit of the once-unstoppable-but-now-just-quite-good-most-of-the-time-but-utter-shite-the-rest United, with ex blue and fan of the elderly Wayne Rooney leading the line and Beavis and Butthead lookalike and deleter of hard drives Louis Van Gaal in the dugout. Stones and Coleman returned and Naismith joined Lennon and Barkley behind Lukaku. Everton were unbeaten in five so what followed was as inevitable as treading in dog shite the first day you wear your brand new trabs.

After a slow start with little goalmouth action, they took the lead through Schneiderlin after Everton failed to clear a corner. There was arguably a foul on Naismith in the build up from Rooney but the cause wasn’t helped by Tim Howard diving the wrong way before the ball was even struck, the massive fucking tit. The lead was doubled soon after when the excellent Ander Herrera headed home unmarked from a pinpoint Rojo cross. More poor defending and the game was effectively over after 21 minutes.

Everton came out strongly after half time, with De Gea pulling off a string of jaw dropping saves that showed the value of having a really top class keeper and not someone that once received a phone call from Barack Obama for saving 16 shots that were straight at his head. The game was killed off when a Jagielka missed pass fell to a red shirt, Rooney swept forward and despite actually trying to miss, managed to beat Howard at his near post as he dived the wrong way. Again. The div. The game petered out to nothing and a good run of results came to an end in whimpering fashion. A nice easy game to get back on track would be most welcome so of course it’s Arsenal away to round off league action for the month. Sound.


24.10.15 Arsenal (a)

The concluding chapter of the tricky test trio (I know I’ve used that already but it’s my piece and I’m too lazy to think of a different description so fuck off yeah?) and yet another disappointing result as Everton fell to a second defeat on the bounce and the first on the road this season to a stylish, flowing but ultimately not unbeatable Arsenal.

Martinez chose to confuse the piss out of everyone and actually started with two wingers on the pitch. To nullify this however, everything seemed to be played through the middle and as a result, Deulofeu and Lennon were largely ineffectual. Arsenal had most of the early chances and took the lead when the effortlessly handsome Olivier Giroud nodded home from 6 yards, completely unmarked by Stones and completely unchallenged by Tim Howard. I can’t do it again. I really can’t. He’s just so woefully shite it’s beyond description so I’m going to stop calling him names and pretend he doesn’t exist. Five minutes later, Koscielny scored an almost identical goal from a yard this time, again unchallenged and here’s where I break my promise. Just fuck off you horrible fucking twat and retire. And breathe.

With that, the game looked dead but a goal on the stroke of half time from Ross Barkley brought us right back into things. Yes it was a massive deflection but the key is, he’s the one player we’ve got that’s not afraid to have a go from outside the box and every so often, you get the luck you deserve. Right on half time, Deulofeu pulled off an outrageous dive and boiled the collective piss of the Arsenal support. Magnificent.

Second half and captain Phil Jagielka was injured in a 50/50 that’ll see him ruled out for up to three months. Don’t be overly concerned though because it means three months of Ramiro Funes Mori doing mad slideys and legging it 80 yards to join in counter attacks. Oh, and he can defend as well, despite the nonsense spewed by permatanned favela orphan shagger Tim Vickery.

Both sides hit the woodwork and although Everton had the better of the chances, they never really looked like beating Petr Cech for a second time. Gareth Barry was sent off late on for doing Gareth Barry type things and picking up daft bookings, and the game petered out soon after. Picking up one point from nine is shite, despite the opposition as these are the games you need to win to challenge at the right end of the table.


27.10.15 Norwich (h) – League Cup

Didn’t watch it. Got drunk instead. End of the day, we’re through and with a very winnable quarter final. Ghosts of Walter Smith’s 6 centre back formation need banishing. Here’s what twitter thought, seven words at a time

@thomaslockyer: tim howard shags dogs and robles doesn’t

@stamp_1878: car crash passing and penalty for Gibson

@jackwebster: got there in the end, arsed how

@captain__caveman: Almost made to masturbate with stinging nettles

@johnbond85: just had a stroke, because of Everton

@0ASIS: Leon Osman, The hero that Everton deserves

@jonjones1988: Joel’s not answer, but better than Howard

@lewis_wilson4: Tim Howard deffo wears Joel Robles pyjamas

@LiamMcglone: Poor play pushes Everton through on pens

@JackMcdermott19: Funes Moris socks are sound as fuck

@FaganEFC: I nearly resorted to sniffing beak. Twice.

@JamieByrne3: Leon Osman scores but is still shit

@DavidJohnHumph: Gary Philp touched me I liked it

@J_Edwards1878: Tim Howard is a starfish jumping nonce

@Anthony_Parry17: Having a decent keeper wins you games

@_dan1878_: rather put my knob in a blender

@steedwalsh: To be honest, it was fucking dreadful

@michaeldeasha: Robles tried not lying down. It worked

@Terry_Finnegan: Osman’s shot hit steward’s back & he didn’t realise

So that was October. In a nutshell, it was a big bag of old arse. One win from four and that required penalties. Glaring errors not being learned from and giving up the first goal will continue to hamper any progress. On the plus side, that’s three really tricky league games out of the way and we don’t play one of the traditional powerhouses until January so there’s no excuse now not to kick on and go on a serious run of form. And maybe buy a new keeper for Christmas…

Keep fighting the good fight, and I’ll be back in a month x



One Response Comment

  • Alex Mealand  1 November 2015 at 13:53

    Can I suck you off Jock? Love you.


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