We see him here, we see him there

Riding his camel with snow-topped hair

When he’s not around we usually lose

He’s Arouna Kone and he plays for the Blues

And so ends the cringeworthy portion of this preview. Maybe.

Not often you see that from Everton is it? Yes, I know letting a two goal lead at home to Sunderland slip is criminal, but quit whining about it. We’ve slotted six past someone and it feels good. We may be as nervous as a leper being offered a handshake when defending, but when we hit Sunderland on the counter it was like taking a Mike Tyson uppercut. Let’s take some ears off Everton.

Naturally being Evertonians we can’t accept the many foibles human beings tend to have like not putting in identical performances every single week, so Lukaku’s either magic or shite, never just a 22 year old in an unforgiving league doing his best. Lazy, lazy bastard. But he provided a sumptuous assist for the sixth goal plus notched one of his own so he’s in most people’s good books for now. Gerard Deulofeu can be incredibly frustrating but then he’ll do something Barcelona and it’ll all be sound. The assist for Lukaku’s goal was sublime as well, and he kept us moving forwards, so he’ll do nicely. Actually, if anyone from Barcelona is reading this…he’s shite lads. No point buying him back. None at all.

But in the end it’s all about that Guinness pint-headed beauty. Has any player in living memory turned public opinion as rapidly in the positive direction as Arouna Kone? Once again he was pivotal, taking the ball down and past players with perfect control and poise, as if he’d attacked his boots with Pritt Sticks in the changies. Stick on his first hat-trick in a decade and it’s fair to say he had a good day. There are plenty of Blues, myself included, that must be delighted the club didn’t give up on the Ivorian prince as quickly as many of us did. Sorry Arouna, how could we ever doubt you? And what in all hell was that celebration about? Ramiro Funes Mori has also piped down a few critics as well – if you don’t love seeing a centre back gallivanting down the wing with the ball then don’t watch Everton, because that’s how we are now. Having ball-playing defenders instead of having to watch Sylvain Distin hoof the ball into the Bullens as if it’s been whispering death threats in his ear whenever it comes to him is like chucking the Carlsberg in the bin and getting out a nice cool Weizenbier. Boss. Tim Howard was actually good on Sunday, if you forget most of the things he did that weren’t, and some people are remarkably good at doing that.

But what’s the point in overanalysing this? We put six goals past a team. Rejoice. When’s the DVD out Everton?

We move onwards now, and if you look at the table you might be worried about West Ham but you know Everton and you know we’ve always been better than this lot. Not for long though, so say that lot of smog-filled beauts. They’re being run by some good proper Tories and they’ve snared the Olympic Stadium as well as pissing away all their TV bonus money so they’re the next Premier League powerhouse, deffo. All that while playing “the West Ham way”, which if you blinked at some point in 1980, you missed it.

Romelu Lukaku has scored against them in all six appearances for Everton, and Leon Osman scored against them home and away last season. Leon. Osman. No sweat. They are a good team though, and have gained acclaim this year by thoroughly surprising any team that thought they would roll them over. Man City, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea have been made to look like fools, but it’s worked against West Ham too. When they thought they’d murder Leicester, Bournemouth, Sunderland and Watford, they themselves tasted their own medicine. Big them up then Everton. Then pipe them down.

Adrian in goal isn’t Tim Howard, and that’s all I have to say about that. Cresswell is sound and survived in both Birkenhead and Suffolk without turning into a vegetable so he has to be alright. Jenkinson is decent and A FAHKIN’ GENUIS if you listen to Arsenal fans, which as always I’d advise against doing too much, so he’ll be on the right. Fantasy Football favourite Winston Reid in the middle, alongside Tomkins. Kouyate and Noble in the midfield, along with loan star Victor Moses. Payet has been excellent this season, and if you add WHI (West Ham Inflation) he’ll lead them to the league title. Lanzini in the midfield too, with that utter melt Carroll up front. He better not score. So many bad memories.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. Unchanged line-up from last week. Bring it on.

This lot love bigging themselves up, but they’re a bit scared of us. So let’s pop some bubbles today. Come on Blues.

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