‘I quite like that @nsno_83’s tweets, sometimes 140 characters just isn’t enough though’ is what you *wont* be saying after you’ve read this.

I’ve decided to start doing these player rating things because… well because there’s only so many times my girlfriend and mates will pretend to be interested about how easy Funes Mori makes football look and also because it looks like it’s quite easy to do, mainly the bit about Funes Mori though. So, in short, you lot have to put up with it instead. You lucky swines.

Everton were a joy to watch, Villa were absolutely shite. Both these things resulted in Villa getting a 4-0 tonking and it was great. It was one of those matches that would usually have every pass greeted with an ‘OLE!’ for the last ten minutes, but we’re not all bad tossers and more to the point, not Spanish. We just sat there and flicked the V’s at the Villa fans jumping up and down with no tops on instead.

Pretty solid all in all, made a couple of of decent saves in the second half. Always a bonus when he decides to catch stuff. 7/10

Looked back to his normal self again after a few quiet weeks. May or may not of still been on the ale since the Ireland match mid-week. 7/10


What is there left to say about him? He was tremendous again, absolutely strolled through the match. Did anyone else notice he didn’t have that black tape holding the back of his knee together on this week? That probably helps. 8/10

Had a bit of a moment with a bad pass back to Howard but apart from that he was his usual ‘see that John Stones over there? He’s calm on the ball isn’t he? Not a fucking patch on me though’ self. Extra point for knocking a Villa player over and not even thinking about helping him up. 8/10

One of his quieter matches, still excellent though. If it wasn’t for Kevin Mirallas’ pre-season sized arse he probably would of scored too. 7/10

As he has been all season, he was tremendous. Did all the hard work whilst the others had a laugh terrorising Villa defenders at the other end. Point deducted for his recent bizarre decision to stop wearing his black Adidas boots, this is countered by the extra point he gets for looking cool as fuck wearing the captains armband. The coolest an Everton captain has looked since Baines threatened to mess Arteta’s hair up against Arsenal a couple of seasons back. 8/10

Genuinely can’t remember a single thing he did y’know, actually he was involved in the build up to one of the goals, which is quite a big thing I suppose. Also crossed the ball straight into Seamus Coleman’s face from 7 yards away and had quite a big laugh about it. 6/10

Deulofeu & Co

He’s looking every inch of a future Barcelona player at the minute, which isn’t really ideal seeing as they can buy him back for 12 litres of Sangria and a weeks holiday for Robert Elstone. When (yes, WHEN) the day comes that Barca want him back, I’m fully behind the idea of not picking up the phone to them. ‘Fucking hell Bill, its those Barca lads again. This is the sixth time in half an hour now. What? No I’m not eating my fucking sim card’. 8/10

Everytime I see that first goal, I’m convinced he’s going to hit the post, which would of been even more impressive than scoring really. Bossed the match, scored twice and celebrated one of them by doing a knee slide. What else do you want? 8/10

Another good performance, which means that the fella in the pub who was telling anyone that would listen…’shite that Kone lad, worst striker since Brett Angell him’ is going to get really wound up. This is a good thing, so for this reason alone I hope he goes on to win Player of the Year. In interests of fairness I did once say I’d hire a function room if he ever scored a goal for us, but I don’t mither you to death whilst you’re trying to get served or sleep in the back of the car like that fella, so it doesn’t count. 7/10


Pretty much the perfect strikers performance, held it up well, lead the line and bagged a brace. I’ve not felt this confident about a striker scoring when it falls to him in the box since Yakubu was slotting for fun. Oh, and the mad dances after scoring? More of that please 9/10



Nearly scored a lovely volley, which would of been quite nice. 6/10

I’m pretty sure the ball just bounced off him for twenty minutes. 5/10

Came on to play alongside Barry and Osman and make it look like one of those Masters Football Matches that used to be on Sky for the last 10 minutes. 5/10

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