It is said that Expectation Is The Mother Of All Frustration. Well it’s not really said, it’s an actual quote ripped off from Antonio Banderas, so nothing too literary genius here but it’s a low grade preview after all.
A quick look at the fixture lists sees Burnley away which yields a sense of expectation amongst blues as it’s the exact type of fixture you need to get three points from to maintain a pleasant weekend disposition and amount enough points that next year’s holiday allowance is scheduled around some form of European fixture list.
Yeah they turned over the shite 2-0 and will turn over a few teams at Turf Moor this season but if Everton aren’t looking at Burnley and expecting three points then something is wrong on this bluey green planet of ours.
Last game out was a credible draw away to the Denim Oil Globetrotters, where many were predicting we’d get turned over. Some line up and attack from City too but Stekelenburg and his cold wide chameleon eyes saved the day with his two excellent penalty saves and the only frustration was Lukaku’s goal – which was worthy of being a winner – bringing just the one point.
It was a stoic Everton performance and sort of defiant stick-your-finger-in-the-eye-of-the-opponent that we are pleasingly learning to remember. Next we just have to sign loads of ace players to out togger them all. Easy.
So back to Burnley then. When you say the word “Burnley” it evokes some images in your head, which if your head is worryingly anything like mine involves a wool utopia containing a smorgasbord of shite DER WILL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND tattoos, scruffy kids hanging round with mongrel dogs, jarg XR2i’s with cringe bodykit and spoiler, a discarded Chesterfield two seater being used at a bus stop for a bus which runs only one every three days and a perceived rivalry with a close by town that has exactly the same people and content but the two wool tribes once fell out over some nonsense in Tudor times or something.
Burnley is famous for being so scruffy that when a gypsy camp pops up the local Burnley folk knock on their doors and ask if there’s any tarmacing they need doing whilst canvassing Raleigh Burners not locked up in the back garden. It’s hotspot central for die hard Brexiting and those daft skinheads who try to come to Liverpool to do a far right march and get panned every single time. Burnley prefers UFC over Boxing and Farmfoods over (the) Asda. Burnley is what you get if you don’t brush your teeth before bed like you’re told to, and if you pull silly faces in Burnley the wind catches them and it sticks, making you look exactly like the rest of Burnley people.
For these reasons above and more, they must be defeated by St Domingos’ finest.
I can’t imagine there’s a human alive who would be brave enough to use a bog after a hungover Sean Dyche has been in there for more than ten minutes, with presumably a copy of Knave. With the voice of shit porno he’s like someone has done a perfect parody of a small town bouncer, a bouncer that perhaps does weekend doors in Burnley. He’s their leader, he’s not bad at what he does and Burnley are quite contempt with holding a We Are Going Up party every two years and then looking dead sad and staring into space every other two years as they’re subsequently sent packing back down.
Here’s a list of some of their players who may or may not play against Everton:
Vokes – the fella on his own at the bar in 20 years time who will tell you all about the time he scored a boss goal in the Euros and pose for a selfie if you key him some of your beak. No one’s heard of him by then.
Andre Gray – suspended for one more game due to sending homophobic and racist tweets, the only surprise is that his profile photo isn’t an egg and his account name isn’t “Dagenham John” or the type. Or “@realDonaldTrump” come to think of it.
Defour – Everton’s very own pre ejaculation Witsel, playing boss and thankfully has done his hamstring in and will sit this one out.
Jeff Hendrick – absolutely screams of “lad-bible-utter-gaping-sphincter t shirt with 69 on the back wearing quilt coming through the arrivals of Ibiza and you’re praying he’s not going to be sharing a pool with you for the next two weeks”.
Berg Gudmundsson – bulb headed Arne Riise lookalike. Hurt him.
Ben Mee – looks like a gerbil, the anemic twat.
Michael Keane – I’d have him at Everton.
Aside from the cheap goads above they’re a decent prospect at home where they’ll play it tight and direct, looking to get the ball behind our centre back and terror our channels. Let the crowd of hillbillies get raucous too early and we’re in for a Saturday evening fume, easy.
Enough of them, Everton.
Lukaku scoring again makes Everton a proposition that can win games even when they’re not at their best. Ask yourself when you’ve seen two good halves from Everton this season? We’re in sixth with that hopefully to develop real soon. Barkley was rightfully dropped and Koeman referenced this in his press conference saying he hopes it’s a wake up call as he’s four years experienced now. For Ross that must be like hearing your boss complain that you spend too much time in the bogs and can be a reluctant team player and you’re sitting there thinking “yeah he’s absolutely nailed me there”. But hopefully Ross will care more than you and do something about it. I reckon he’ll sit this one out on the bench.
So that leaves Bolasie fighting for a place on the wing after hitting a meh run of games, fairly in line with what our wingers are at the club: potential match winners who have at least a glaring flaw or two and a lack of consistency. Although to be fair to Bolasie this is exactly the type of game he’s capable of lighting up as average full backs give him early confidence to do whatever shit he does with the ball. Deulofeu concerns me as I desperately want to see him kick on as he can but he’s prone to the touch of a biff at crucial times and doesn’t work as hard as Koeman probably wants. Time yet like. Mirallas may be another option there.
Barry will line up in the middle along with Gana Gueye and some other if Koeman, with his face like a 5 day old school canteen semolina, decides to jazz it up with a three in the middle. I’ve got tacticlexia in case you haven’t noticed by now. Everton Musings is your man for such valuable insight.
You know the defence, shit game from Jagielka but it’s isolated enough to not drop him and Williams will slot in besides him. Baines had a setback with his hamstring which is a bit too deja vu for his last few years so Oviedo looking like a Pontins “Club Tropicana” tribute act will amble about on the left searching desperately for some consistency while the plates in his leg’s magnetic field repels the ball away on contact. Coleman at right back, that makes three captains we have in our defence, and the aforementioned aceness of a Dutch Indian Summer in “Mart” Stekelenburg who doesn’t give a shit if you like him or not.
Or something like that anyway.
If Expectation is truly the mother of all frustration then frustration’s Nanna is Everton. A season that’s had it’s first stutter needs best of all Evertons – a stiff away day bumming by Everton – to get us back on track.
Nothing more than that, into them blues.