Chelsea v Everton Preview

In a week where a problematic right wing is beseeching not just Everton but an entire country, it’s actually great to have some weekend distraction.

It’s been sound to think about Everton this week too on the back of a hard fought and much needed win, at home v FC Brexit of London.

So who we got next?

Cor blimey gun’nor, it’s only Sporting Poppy of St Diana themselves, Chelseafatbalklab, mate.

 

sexton

 

I promise, no more of that.

First a look back at West Ham though, because it felt nice to win again after it seeming so long prior to our last win. Made all the sweeter because we weren’t at our best – and haven’t been all season to be fair – yet managed to grind out the type of 2-0 that Saturdays should be regularly made of. No sweating in the last five minutes that we’d throw it all away. This Koeman lad, with his face like the first sunrise over Mars, has got the game management thing going on.

So we can move forward and focus on the last game before yet another international break. I hope you’ve got your poppies ready for the twelve minutes of silence in respect before the game too as Chelsea will wheel out some of their Pensioners and maybe Boris Johnson and Oh Em Gee why is everyone having a meltdown over laborious acts of misplaced nationalism?

 

slaidburn-street

 

I mean because, really, was anyone arsed who was wearing poppies or not ten years ago? Then why is it so different now? And why is it the beauts who chat wham and stink of cat litter trays getting most upset? I include bother ‘left’ and ‘right’ both in that equation. Isn’t it meant to be a personal decision to wear a poppy in which case why is a national establishment enforcing it as policy on its citizens? Is that not the fascism that – don’t you dare forget – all them people died for? And yet why such a fuss over a simple armband by FIFA?

Is everyone just bored shitless in England?

And why are military suddenly called heroes? My heroes are the fourteen regular players for Everton in 1984/85 – one should never leave Richardson (who kicked it off with a goal away to Chelsea), Harper and sadly Heath out in preference of Andy Gray. Wilkinson can do one for putting us out of the Milk Cup.

Why doesn’t everyone just be cool and stop getting involved on politics on the back of reading the Mail or Guardian or the whatever shite Rupert Murdoch is running on TV these days. Mock the USA for Fox News no more as the UK got it just as bad.

I preferred Britain when it rolled it’s eyes at politics instead of acting like everyone gotta have an opinion. So there’s my opinion.

 

kerry-dixon

 

You know what Chelsea are and what to expect. They’re the richly funded modern pillar of London football full of players who cost extortionate fees and are better than the players you have for your team. When their players score they don’t celebrate, they dab. Chelsea dabber perhaps? Anyway it’s no easy place to go down there and pick some points but Everton have a happy habit of taking a point off them and a sad habit of falling just short of taking three points.

Their manager is Conte who’s apparently an Italian master tactician but in my humble opinion looks more like the wool lookalike version of John Travolta that’s rocking your Sunday night in Butlin’s on a surprisingly enjoyable tribute act cabaret night.

Chelsea fans absolutely reek of No Surrender songs and that’s a cheap jibe as I know a few and they’re all sound enough so I’ll balance it by saying that the thing I like about them most is that they still have a parochial hard core local support with strong traditional identity despite the hundreds of thousands of Asian and African residents now supporting Chelsea because they won a European Cup. It would be easy to go all brand Chelsea. The plastic flags thing thrown about by the redshite is just because they’re gutted Chelsea are spending less and winning more than them.

 

ken-bates

 

On the subject of sudden foreign fan interest in your club. Whilst I’d not begrudge that trade off should Everton ever win a European Cup (they won’t in our lifetime) it would irk me somewhat if our crowd turned a bit corporate and day tripping Anfield. I like us just the way we are including the over the top judgement and fumes. I’d just prefer us with some trophies, so no hard times for Chelsea in this preview. And to conclude that I admire greatly our foreign die hards as why the fuck would you stick with Everton after all these years after what they do to us? Let’s win the Rumbelows for all them mad Yanks who get wrecked in ace bars in the USA at eight o’clock in the morning. There’s Everton right there in a weird way.

A list of their players who may or may not play v Everton this Saturday afternoon:

Diego Costa – smouldering Argentinian (you’re not Spanish lad) shithouse who scores ace goals and makes football more interesting to watch. Importantly he’s the focused pantomime villain that Everton sometimes need to reflect its fume off in order to get the crowd going.

Eden Hazard – fantastic footballer, he’ll be the one that probably beats us with a low shot to the keeper’s left. Or two.

Pedro – he’s there but no one know what he contributes, the appendix of Chelsea if you will.

 

gullit-hoddle

 

Victor Moses – that bird you didn’t even look at in the office five years ago turning up in Dreamers with a pair of false tits and taking tenners off your mates with semi ons in their jarg Armani jeans.

Kante – a boss midfielder.

Matic – another one in midfield who does a great job and gets half the headlines, or a Bracewell to an Evertonian.

Gary Cahill – a face built for 1930’s cigarette cards.

David Luiz – a Jackson Five John Stones.

Courtois – didn’t really have an opinion on him until a mate pointed out how big his neck is and now every time I see him on TV I’m astounded I never noticed before.

 

gerrard-slip

 

So Everton and who will turn up in presumably neon yellow with a weird shit white Chang logo this week?

Lukaku is a certainty and whisper it quietly but he’s right on song at the moment. In the interests of bringing some much needed interesting narrative to this preview he also may have a point to prove back at the old club of his heart who’d he defo play for again if Mino Raiola got them to cross Moshiri’s palms with nearly £100m. And a sulky Lukaku transfer request. Barkley has been under all sorts of pressure and responded with a very decent performance last week and hopefully can put a few of these type of performances together. If he does then we’ll win games.

Do you reckon Koeman scared him with wanting Rooney to play for us? Maybe not.

Diminutive hero of the L4 Azzurri Gana Gueye is suspended which means either Tom Cleverley will come in or Koeman – with his face like a transit damaged lava lamp – may opt for three at the back considering Ramiro ‘Funes’ Mori managed to play a straight game without making any of us shit ourselves. Plus Chelsea are pretty good up front and one extra defender may help. Out wide I reckon it will be Bolasie and Lennon. Just because.

 

ba

 

Coleman and Oviedo – props to the Club Tropicana haired Costa Rican also not making me shit myself v West Ham – will play wide and I have absolutely no idea whether Koeman – with his face like a mixture of his biological mother and father’s faces – will make a statement that places are there to be won and kept by endorsing Robles to continue in goal, or will he revert to being the cold hearted arl arse he is and bring back Stekelenburg for the big game?

I’ve chatted far too much shite in this preview so that’s it, no poignant closing line, emotive encouragement or a reference to the first paragraph topic like the smart journalists do. I’m just a tit typing low grade words on an Everton site. Fuck off.

2 Comments

  • mrbluesky  04/11/2016 at 09:09

    Ooh, so many good questions you ask. Jingoism to the max, lest the proles think too deeply about the value of their sons having their limbs blown off in hot and dusty climes in service of a corrupt and dying world order, perhaps?

    Back to the football, LOL to Koeman face – he’s a good coach for sure; hopefully he has his game on again this weekend.

    Up the Blues!

    P.S. *besieging (first para)?

    Reply
  • Degsy  04/11/2016 at 12:07

    you’re wasting your time mate, it’s emptier than a kopite’s conscience on here. The preview is so mild if it was a curry even kiwi’s could eat it.

    Reply

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