Another weekend, another game to anticipate in this increasing shitter of a season. An away trip to Watford evokes images of, well, not fucking anything really as there’s not much about Watford except doing them 2-0 in the 84 FA Cup Final and them once being owned by Elton John.

Click or swipe away from this page while you can really, it doesn’t get any better than that.



It’s just all a bit lethargic at the moment, Everton aren’t giving you too much value towards your weekends and we’ve hit December without producing two good halves of football in a single game yet. To find ourselves on page 1 of 2 of the Ceefax league table is a pisstake out of league football absolutely everywhere.

The visit of Man Utd ended in a 1-1 draw which for most seasons of the past quarter century would be the type of result you could cajole the disappointing cloggers of Everton into kicking on their season with. That it was earned through a late penalty is pleasing but it still doesn’t mask that the Everton performance was mostly dogshit and indeed United should be concerned as to how poor their current expensively assembled team are.

There’s that dangerous cycle of underperforming meek players infuriating a crowd who in turn put pressure on aforementioned players which results in shit passes and atrocious movement all over the field. None of that “12th man” business though, that can get to fuck, Goodison is a hive of honesty fuelled by anxiety.



Obviously helping will be our big money signing from the summer fucking his knee and being out for a year or so. It’s just how Everton rolls. And it’s gonna continue to roll that way for as long as it can do your head in, it’s what Everton does so well. No point in fuming at ROSS LAD, he’s afflicted by it too.

So Watford then and if you’ve ever visited then it’s just so very south, despite it being not that far south, if that makes sense. Southern shitty satellite towns built up due to the overspill from a big city and without much culture or stuff. Kids being brought up in identikit estates with parents aspiring for semi detached on the right side of town, with a garage. A drab civic centre that hosts inhabitants so fucking bored out of their skulls every weekend that there’s fuck all else to do but get drunk out of your mind so you don’t go crazy and shoot up a school. Suppose Watford could be Skelmersdale.



Entertainment in Watford is provided through a series of petty squabbles and egos clashing in fights outside kebab shops and sleeping with each other’s wives and girlfriends. Because it’s stuff that – at that exact moment in time – evokes emotion and feeling, and growing up in Watford is natural anesthesia to the central nervous system, it suppresses them and over time it starves the system of sensory normals. For all intents and purposes Watford is a natural benzodiazepine for those who grow up in it. The problem is when you take the person out they suffer protracted withdrawal as the central nervous system is awakened and hit by sensory overload. It’s why you see Watford fans visiting the city of Liverpool and being in an agitated state. They need to taper off Watford in order to handle culture, beauty and orange women wearing pyjamas while shopping.

That apart, the folk from Watford are sound, even if they get too much into pointless rivalries with places like Luton as that’s like two vagrants fighting over a bin in a park.



The club itself won’t win too many fans at present due to that weird ownership where they’re basically farming players for two other clubs like a Lidl version of Red Bull teams. It’s shit truth be told, and their fans deserve better. It’s a sound wee club Watford and they let us beat them to win a cup, a dying custom sadly for Everton.

Here’s some of their players:

Ighalo – one good season in the Premier League and he’s shitting it this season, all the way to us lashing forty million pounds at them in the near future and bemoaning Ighalo’s “hunger” when he parks his leopard skin painted Lamborghini on double yellows outside San Carlo.

Deeney – can’t shake the feeling he should be an oversized social outcast lovingly befriended by some neighbourhood kids on a mission to find the lost treasure of One Eyed Willy.



Capoue – decent midfielder on his day.

Ben Watson – looks like he should be hustling students on a Birkenhead train, the gaunt rat.

Prodl – big lump of a defender that will seek to unnerve Lukaku early doors, and probably succeed.

Janmaat – shite full back signed from Newcastle.

I have no idea who the manager is but he and them must be defeated, lest we go into Christmas with even more fume.



As to who Everton will play is a bit of guesswork. Lukaku will start front on the basis of if not then who else? It’s plain that he suffers without someone to play up there with him so thanks to a hard working cameo it could be Valencia’s turn. Bolasie’s injury is a kick in the nuts for player and Everton as despite his frustrating decision making he was the only winger making shit happen. If Deulofeu or Mirallas don’t look this gift horse in the mouth then it won’t be too long before they’re shipped out for nominal fees. Lennon too. I don’t reckon Barkley will play this one either, which is a shame but not as much a shame as paying 50 sheets to watch Everton and witnessing a load of players stroll about getting bummed in cruel manners.

Gana Gueye is beautiful and I’ll miss him far too much when mother Africa swallows him for the AFCON in January. We need someone else or two in there.



Defence is still trying to find an even slightly in form four to play together and I suspect Funes Mori will continue in the place of Jagielka, I also reckon Holgate might get a shout at right pick as he was showing enthusiastic appetite for the game which has been lacking in our full backs for too long. Coleman and Baines it will be there. Stekelenburg does some crazy shit to cost us goals. Here’s hoping he doesn’t for this one or that Koeman, with his face like a collapsed tent, gives Robles a go before buying a decent keeper for Everton soon. Fuck knows it’s been far too long that we haven’t had a fundamentally flawed goalkeeper.

It’s one of them mate isn’t it? Fuck off Everton.

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