On we toil, to another game and another prospect of the latest edition of the invertebrate Everton finding new ways to ruin your day, or night.

It won’t be a long preview this as it’s far too late to be writing these words and also there’s not many of us who want to discuss much about Everton when most of us should be all sitting round a cup of mulled wine and embracing the onset of Christmas.

Goodwill to all men, except Everton of course, the spineless twats.



Maybe with other clubs you’d get a rallying call and a collective defiance but that’s not really most of us. If the problem was a lack of quality then there would be more understanding. The problem however is something approaching kryptonite substance for most blues and that’s Everton being bad shithouses. With no character, resolve or fight on the pitch. So they can fuck off.

The Watford game was the last exhibit of a set of players holding a club to hostage and a Manager with not having the answers to fix it. To be fair to Koeman he’s trying different things but getting the same outcome which makes a mockery of Einstein’s famous sentence. But then our beloved Everton are prone to breaking the trend when it comes to forms of pain, and indeed the rules of physics themselves.

Probably the most annoying thing is “nothing will be the same again” being lashed about with the arrival of Moshiri and everything seemingly all too fucking familiar. If I carry on with current situation reflection I’ll start lashing all sorts of scapegoats about and it would make a dull preview even duller, so I’ll swerve.



Looking forward we’ve two home games to stop the rot and of course they would be at home to a flying Arsenal and the shite, we’ll save the latter until the next preview and focus on Arsenal. Or “the arse” if you’re a try too hard blert up BBC Live Text’s arse, the same applies for all “the Ev” virgins out there.

What can I tell you about Arsenal that would enrich a preview? Nothing much. They’re jam packed full of ace players, they’re sat second in the league, they’ve lost one league game all season and they’re pretty eager to have actual filthy sex with our wanton defence. Ready to bukkake goals all over our grids.

Their fans are, sadly, not too far removed from the kopites with a dwindling local support and loads of double barrelled names from the Home Counties daytripping for some form of identity. They’re virtually approaching stereotype status with the amount of cringe I’ve seen churned out from their fan base but they have an eternal universe pass with me because of a glorious moment of football deep into injury time on the final game of the 1988-89 season. That sort of shit didn’t happen to the shite back then and for all of you too young to witness it then I lament it’s absence from your life as I would you missing out on seeing Everton win leagues and a European trophy. It was fucking fantastic, a true footballing orgasm.



So for that Arsenal I’ll lay off you as that was something involving the deal I dealt with the devil in my head on that long ago evening. Stop those interviews on your fan channels after the game though as it just exposes your fans as annoying entitled white cunts trying to fume in Jamaica patois, and that’s just weird.

Arsene Wenger, the peculiar fucking alien, is their manager and here’s a list of some of their players who may or may not play v Everton.

Sanchez – what an ace footballer. If he played for Everton I’d swerve falling too much in love with him as I’d pain – possibly terminally – when the inevitable happened and he fucked us off.

Oxlade-Chamberlain – no bad words or shit lookalikes either, good player if inconsistent but who the fuck are we to bemoan that with our fucking one-in-six wingers?



Walcott – gets lambasted by the media but fuck me how fast are their front players? If Everton had any sort of nous about them they would be bullying the fuck out of these in the first minutes. But we won’t, obviously.

Coquelin – looks like 98% of all the other Arsenal players.

Ozil – aside from licking his own eyeballs and relying on the sun to warm his cold blood he occasionally turns it on in a game and there’s not anyone on our team that could live with him if he does.

Xhaka – anyone ever seen him and Besic in the same room together?

Monreal – boss full back who looks like a boil washed Peter Crouch.



Gabriel – there’s an insurgency in mouth, called his teeth.

Bellerin – looks like the others.

Cech – the only Arsenal player who looks a bit different, being a seven footed galoot.

To conclude if you are playing Guess Who with the Arsenal team there wouldn’t be many winners. I wonder if that was a purposeful recruitment strategy to enable some obscure competitive edge? Who you marking? The little guy with dark features and funky hair, lad. Maybe it’s a product of multiculturalism and a hyper conditioned sense of appearance pushed by the media? Tell them apart only by their shite sleeve tattoos. Welcome to 2071. Where by the way, Everton are still shite and making your kids and grandkids fume.

Fuck knows what my point is, so let’s look at Everton.



Lukaku is so shit all he does is score goals and occasionally make you fume for not putting a shift in. A sort of jazzy Tony Cottee truth be told but he’ll earn loads more money as he’s mates with Paul Pogba and Michael Jordan and he puts loads of shit on Instagram as a role model for others. When in fact he’s just a lad who’s better at kicking a ball of more air much more accurately than you or I. Genuinely gutted he’s gonna fuck us off but why would you stay around this shit? Niasse scored in the U23s again so he’s been redeemed for inherent shitness under Martinez as the desperation stakes grow and the same arl fellas ripping his shite touch last season are now screaming for his inclusion. I’m not arsed, I’d like for him, Valencia or whoever in a two up front just to see if it makes any difference to the shite one up front we’ve endured for too long.

Probably Barkley will play as the three defensive midfielders “experiment” didn’t work, just as it didn’t for Walter Smith not so long ago. Gueye will be in there and probably Barry too. I’m not arsed who plays on the wings as they don’t really influence the game. There’s some money needed spending in January if Koeman – face like an animated Rice Krispie – is to turn this around.



As for the defence? Fuck knows, all of them are last and I don’t reckon dropping Jagielka is the right move. Which itself is a symbol of how shit our defence is right now. Same as the Niasse shouts there’s similar for playing some young lids there but it’s probably not the right time to do it against a very anxious Goodison crowd. Stekelenburg will be in goal and I don’t have much of an opinion on that.

And that’s it really. Just getting stuck the fuck into these early doors would be the catalyst for a grumpy Goodison to activate partisan mode. Nah. Count on the mulled wine instead, or a moody pint of Carling. January can’t come quick enough.

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