Hope you had a pleasant Christmas, so that how that’s aside let’s think about Everton once more.
If there’s just one thing you can rely on within the realms of this planet it’s Everton’s propensity to lose derbies in the most tragic of manners. They kept that not-so-proud tradition up with a deep into injury capitulation, yet on studying the reaction of my peers there was much more apathy compared to similar occurrences before. Maybe it’s the tough skin you’ve developed over the times playing the spawny fucks or maybe – perhaps like me – you’re tolerating these latest bunch of shitehawks until January when the window to make some vital changes are needed. Finally you may have an Everton team in the not too distant future that have scope to develop, a team with character that doesn’t shit itself at the key moments. That glass ceiling we’ve apparently been concussing our heads against will remain as long as we excuse it.
It probably wasn’t fair of me to be so demeaning about the players for the derby loss, in fact they actually turned up and put their back into it and had a go. No complaints on that, ultimately though Liverpool have better players and (credit the Echo podcast for this point) we brought on a rookie making his second appearance and they brought on Daniel Sturridge who made the opening that proved the difference between the teams. As cruel as it was there weren’t too many who could argue with the scoreline. Well, except Ronald Koeman – with his face like a tooth extraction – who lamented an unfair result. Probably some psychological man management technique in there that’s too succinct for a no mark like me.
You can’t put the shit back in the donkey as they say so we have to move on and metaphorically scoop it up and in the process make Everton great again. Now that’s change you can believe in. Even if it probably won’t happen.
Which brings up not so nicely to our next game which is an away Boxing Day fixture to current Premier League Premiership EPL & BPL champions Leicester City. Which is mad typing that as, well, it’s Leicester isn’t it?
Now as pleasant as it was to see a team with good traditional values poking the eye of the rich and powerful it’s surrealism was matched by the absurdity of it all. Typically – like for their entire fucking history – Leicester now find themselves in a relegation battle come the following Christmas.
For you plucky travellers on Boxing Day though you’re left with a festive challenge and that is “where the fuck is Leicester?”. Is it down south? I’ve heard it’s out east. So is it near Norwich, which is a shitter to get to? Or near Watford? In fact it’s a fucking tragedy that a team from a place that no one has ever heard of – and Americans/Canadians can’t even fucking pronounce – has turned up and won the grand prize of English football. Are Leicester a plucky gang of nomads?
Finding Leicester is a bit pinning the tail on the donkey so I hope your GPS is honed and you set off in good time. Once there I’d appreciate if someone could report back on what happens in Leicester and if it’s got any documented history or things of interest as if so it would make for a better preview. I’ve heard Gary Lineker speak so I know that’s a Leicester accent but it’s a generic accent that doesn’t give away any regional lilt to help place it.
What even is the point of Leicester? If I can’t be arsed looking for it on a map then if Leicester wasn’t even on the map and didn’t exist then would anyone notice it’s absence? Are there real humans in Leicester doing shit or is it an elaborate dastardly The Truman Show project where people from other shit places that have no identity turn up and pretend to do shit only on the days that Premier League teams come into town.
If there is truly no point to Leicester, then what the fuck are they doing still hanging around? Everton need to get their skates on help send them back down so this particular turd can be flushed away with efficiency lest anyone notices them.
They’re managed by Claudio Ranieri who is a good egg – does anyone know if he lives in Leicester or travels from London – and such a good egg that he will be sucked into the horrid advent that is top flight professional football in England and ultimately chewed out as a bunch of personality devoid hacks mark him as their latest story to goad into a meltdown and professional ruin.
Here’s some of their players who I really don’t know will play or not v Everton as who would research a game against Leicester? The pointless fucks.
Jamie Vardy – a shitgibbon of massive texan features. Just one horrible try too hard bellend who has marsupial features the odd looking, shit diving tit.
Mahrez – really good player every time I’ve ever seen him, like what Deulofeu could be if he battled the adversity of whatever is making him play shit.
Drinkwater – another really good player, we should bid for him when they get sucked into the lower leagues.
Wes Morgan – a lucky Sylvain Distin.
Schmeichel – his Dad won the Premier League and had a child who grew up and won the Premier League while Liverpool threw ridiculous amounts of money away every year without winning a single Premier League.
And that’s it, I don’t even know half of their players. Apologies for another shit preview but it’s hard trying to make words about a place or people that for all intents and purposes are the appendix of the English body. No one is writing poems or shit about the appendix that I know about, it just sits there until it announces it’s presence and then someone cuts it out and no one knows it’s gone. Which maybe sums up Leicester’s title victory.
Onto Everton then.
Lukaku is in one of them periods there he looks like a lost puppy up front which is affected by two main reasons – of which naturally we try to polarise everybody into one of the reasons when in fact they are both equally as culpable. One is that he is not one for putting a shift in when things aren’t falling his way, and before you attack me he did do that to some extent in the derby but still not good enough. Secondly is that he’s left isolated to fuck by a team who cannot find a striker partner or attacking midfielder talented enough to feed him service which he thrives on. No complaints about Lukaku though as he’s the best striker I’ve seen at Everton since Sharp with only Beardsley and Yakubu troubling that stance in nearly thirty years. It’s ace he’s stuck around for how long he has and the new contract is made to protect the interest of player and Everton’s fee when he does move on. Just a shame we never put a team around him to trouble the top four, as he’s capable of it easily.
Not sure if we’ll play Valencia or try with the usual Barkley project. I’d say that this place in the team is an urgent void that needs addressing in January or we will continue to drop points as scoring goals and to being with – creating them – is pretty important.
Is McCarthy out? That’s a shame as we witnessed the value of putting someone with energy & tenacity alongside the beautiful Gana Gueye – who should be resting in your nativity crib before baby Jesus right now – and the positive effect on the team. There’s another glaring team position which needs addressing in January. Barry is sound but more effective at home against teams where Everton will have more of the ball.
Out wide I have no fucking idea who we will play and I don’t really care. There’s a third position in the team we need to sort out ASAP then.
Williams and Funes Mori actually played alright – apart from the crucial point where the ball bounced off a post and the pair of them were caught as flat footed as the Crimean peninsula – allowing pea headed little twat Mane to steal in. Actually put this down as a fourth position in the team that needs inspiration. Special mention to Seamus Coleman who in recent weeks has stepped up intensity and trying to lead by example. He’s Everton captain material if you ask me, he’s one of the few that would respond to it and I’m pleased to see him making a positive difference out on our right flank as we need it desperately. Baines hasn’t been playing too bad either, let’s see.
Who’s in goal? There’s a fifth position in the team that needs addressing but in a way I feel sad for Robles as when he’s played in goal this season I’ve seem him make some very decent saves. Maybe Koeman is threatened by the gregarious set of teeth the Spaniard struggles to contain in his grid?
So what can we conclude? Firstly that Everton need about 5 players ASAP which is not really realistic for January, or indeed Everton themselves going off history. We can also deduct that no one knows where Leicester is or what it does.
Which leads to the final conclusion that Everton will get beat because of it. Change can’t come quick enough.