Well that was a shitter. A limp out of our remaining trophy hope insta-crushed a week of positivity in traditional Everton style.
Are you ready to think about football again yet? There’s still half a season to go and although it’s a damning one-more-trophyless year for Everton there still remains a lot of points to play for, and to lay some foundations for what will be a delayed Koeman revolution of next season.
As the boos were still ringing in the staff’s ears Koeman decided to turn up the pressure on the club to do something about it as the big snide eye of blame started to scrutinise what the fuck he is bringing to the party.
The playing staff wasn’t in as horrific shape as was made out when Koeman took over but it was un-balanced and short on character. While this season isn’t turning out to be what many hoped it’s one of them shitty excuse transition years which doesn’t exactly give a free pass as such but by the end of said season there has to be signs of progress, momentum and a sprinkling of optimism for the season/s to come.
Last week’s cup exit gave Koeman a big fuck off mandate to make the changes he wants in dramatic style, as this current bunch of not quite good enoughs dipped in Everton colours for hopefully one of the last times. Now buoyed by seeming good resources it’s a very different rebuilding job that an Everton manager has had to do for quite some time. On that basis if radical and dynamic change is needed then the leader has to be someone ruthless and driven in all decisions, including personnel. For all of your moans about the quick frozen marshmallow faced Dutchman he is one utterly ruthless cunt and therefore likely to be up to task. His words in the press conference only alluded further to that by being upfront about some current players not having a future at Everton.
Which brings us onto the transfer window, one which is somewhat busier already than most previous EFC January transfer windows. Whilst there’s some excitement over what is essentially top trumps for footy fan quilts, it’s also a cringey time of year as delirium takes hold.
Due to media manipulating over a course of time everyone is hooked on transfers like it’s Xanax. Over time these lids become desensitised to the normal, mundane joys in football like the development of a player through ups and down as there’s something deep inside them screaming for transfer tablets. The longer it goes on the more their body goes into withdrawal from transfers. God help if they have to cold turkey on no transfers in a window as that would send them into protracted withdrawal and even seizures as their mind can’t cope watching the same players they’ve been watching for the previous six months. As Xanax dependency is a very bad thing for your health, so is transfer dependency.
A generation of Football Manager and FIFA Career Mode availability has tricked people into actually believing they have scouting abilities beyond Steve Walsh and a deeper level of tactical awareness than Ronald fucking Koeman.
So as annoying and frustrating as it is, it’s gonna take time to change a losing mentality of 22 years so I’m fairly non plussed about the recent happenings. It’s also not a go at anyone a bit antsy as the reason many are so on edge is that it’s been far too fucking long for all these Everton failures ruining weekends. It’s time for some good stuff to happen, like a cup or ten. Or a team who doesn’t shit out of important games at the very least.
This is meant to be a preview so I best talk about the opposition. Who we playing? Ah right, the team in blue from the northern powerhouse city who spent decades struggling while their rivals in red won stuff and got fawned over from far and wide. Right until the point some utterly minted out-east-types bought them, put money in and now as a true testament of success when you go somewhere on holiday they have jarg rip offs of their kits on moody street stalls along with all the usual suspects.
There’s a cautionary tale somewhere in this that I’m trying to work out how to explain but I’ll just end up calling them scruffy cunts. I know a few City fans (anyone using Citeh is a quilt as anyone using Chelski) and at the risk of ruining preview material they’re all very decent sorts. They’ve been following them for beards so are weather beaten into humility and now they’re getting just reward as togger galacticos prance up and down their pitch most fortnights slaying meek opponents.
Thing is most of them aren’t so content with it. Why I don’t hear you cry? How the fuck could you not be happy? Imagine if we won the title in injury time with the shite on their pitch already celebrating assuming we’d shit it? Fuck me if that happens you can relegate Everton forever and I’ll sign it now Satan. That moment would be fucing ace. And that was City’s moment not so long ago.
The few City mates I have aren’t enjoying the change of ground as it doesn’t feel like their Man City. The better players are nice but they’ve been bought at considerable cost and they have no real affiliation to City, not as much as Shaun Goater or Kinkladze did anyway. It could be that they’re blowing smoke up my arse to not make me feel bad in their company about the serially disappointing fucks of Everton but it does seem sincere that they long for the older days.
This is where I’m meant to conclude in a solemn manner about building Everton in the right way and to not lose our proud identity and engagement with our fanbase but I’m not gonna lie to you dear reader, I’d launch scuds at Syrian ghettos from the centre circle if it meant Everton won titles again. I don’t give a fuck if it turns out Moshiri has paid for brass to piss over themselves or comes out and denounces St George Michael or – even worse – admits he enjoys crisp butties. You can get to fuck if you find yourself sat there reading this and think that crisp butties are acceptable unless it’s for anyone under the age of 12 or pregnant women with severe cravings.
Is there a point in all this? You fucking bet there is and that point is how scruffy are mancs? Joe Bloggs jeans wearing quims with rips in the knees wearing some right fucking awful clobber. Not all of them mind but more and more of them. This shit needs curtailing, but then they’ve been shithousing for quite some time if you can remember moody walks to Maine Road and their “banter squad’ of anemic Bernard Mannings revelling in numbering ten mancs to one scouser. That’s the type of ratio they’ll fully gobshite at.
Come Goodison and it’s a quieter affair as they seek to slip in and out of L4 without being slapped around like the small town wool-on-bugles that they are. You can spot them a mile away although it’s helped somewhat by the prevalence of male ear rings and grubby fingernails. IN YUR LIVERPORL SLURMS. Fucking right they’re slums, and give me slums any day of the week over dirty nappies in your front garden, your mother on speed and twelve siblings leaving a trail of nits behind you everywhere they go.
Only joking, there’s not too much between us and them including a grounded sense of humour, even if you don’t want to read that, and I don’t begrudge them any of their success as they’ve paid fully with abstract misery before. Maybe I’ll start to get edgy if they win two more league titles than us and then I’ll add up all our trophies – including Charity Shields – to try and get a numerical advantage that I can feel superior to them with. Or even openly mock a tragedy of theirs at some point.
Imagine Aguero played for us?
A list of some of their players:
Aguero – ace. A master of his art and only just nudged out by the tremendous shithouse acts of Costa.
DeBruyne – a complexion best described as “ruddy ayran” need not hold you back, a game winner.
Silva – great player, the sex.
Kolarov – more than a whiff of war crimes but a no nonsense full back with a twat of a shot within 30 yards of goal.
Stones – a decent young defender who used to play for Everton. Looks like his Dad is building a rocket to explore his theory of the moon is made of cheese, with a mute resourceful family dog of way above usual canine intellect.
Otamendi – does he do “banter”? He looks like he would be fucking dripping of banter on an 18-30.
Kompany – one of the few that “gets” Man City, plus if you put a fish bowl over his head you have a Mars Attacks halloween costume.
Bravo – he’s meant to be a dodgy as fuck isn’t he? Toey it from all angles Everton.
I’ll skim through Everton as I’ve bored the shite out of you long before now.
Lukaku is ace and we need to build some sort of team around him before he fucks us off and while some of you might not think that’s a bad thing I’m gonna point and laugh at you when you realise them plentiful goals won’t score themselves. We’re meant to be helping him by signing the Mick Madar of Algeria if you listen to some youtube reviewers but it’s for sure that he needs a partner in crime up there. Not sure if he’ll play Barkley for this, in fact I wouldn’t be surprised to see three in the middle like a fit again McCarthy, Schneiderlin and Barry – or maybe Tom Davies who I’m genuinely enthused about. When Gueye is back we have an annoying as fuck midfield who I reckon the crowd are gonna love. I’ve gave up second guessing who will play wide as they’re an underwhelming bunch.
The rotation of Jagielka, Williams and Funes Mori has failed so far to find two of them in form at the same time. I can see money being spunked for this position. Williams for what it’s worth is ace if you’re up against it but needs someone with pace if you’re playing someone counter attacking with turbo little fucks like that Musa. I’d love nothing more than an Indian summer of one of the best left backs I’m likely to ever see play for Everton, and failing that – Coleman to find some consistency. I may live somewhat in hope as neither can put a run of performances together. Same as the wingers I’m not too fussed who’s in goal but I’d be more inclined to remain with Robles for now, call it a hunch, or plain stupidity.
Fuck these Everton, no more words.