Everton v Bournemouth Preview

The sun is shining in Everton world at the moment as even an away draw at Stoke couldn’t contain the enthusiasm for what is germinating from the seed that Koeman planted. Or Moshiri, whatever your agenda like. Or whoever you blame when it ultimately goes to shit.

It’s a current run of games where Everton have to put decent points on the table as the previous six weeks has seen a closing of the gap to Sky’s precious six. The odds on crashing that little gay party are still against us but it’s enjoyable to aspire and not look like deluded tits in the process.

It’s nice looking forward to Everton games again isn’t it? Obviously they’ll throw that right back in my face but anticipation of stuff is often as good as the delivery. Take travel for example, or particularly lusted after sex. Once you reach the destination or seal the deal it’s sound but the build up to it or the journey are exciting times. I’ve genuinely no idea what I’m chatting here but it’s filling a paragraph. Swipe right to continue, swipe left to take the wise option of swerving yet another dull preview.

The Stoke game was a hard fought point. Many will have been looking at the game and hoping for 3 points but this particular Stoke team, at this particular time will take many more points at home than they will lose. It’s a team who are very aware of their strengths and utilise them to good effect. It was most enjoyable to watch them snakey shithouse blues pain them bad with a moody goal and subsequent haranguing of the referee to ensure it was given. Is right, we need a lot more of that. Corinthian spirit is sound but snide is more enjoyable and delivers more points.

The transfer window closed with the 1980s German VHS porn sounding “Donkor” joining the U23 squad and a few more departures from the squad. Whilst the two additions of Schneiderlin and Lookman have strengthened the team and not just the squad you get the feeling that this window was about a changing of guard in readiness for a bigger summer window ahead. The coming of age of both Holgate and Davies has been timely too, there’s a pool of potential in this squad that gives one a bit of hope for that aforementioned journey ahead.

So it’s to Goodison and Bournemouth for a Saturday 3pm kick off. With the exception of the United, Spurs and Arsenal games every other kick off we have for the rest of the season is this day and time. Without any distraction of cups and only one midweek game it means the manager, coaching team and players can work with a sole focus of the weekend game and prepare accordingly. So no excuses then.

Bournemouth beat us a bit too easily in the return fixture which became a frustrating norm for us around that time as we got past the honeymoon stage with Koeman, and the old ghosts of underperformance arose. Bournemouth was looking up at that point but now find themselves looking down as a slump of form sees them sucked too close to the relegation fight for comfort. It’s been against bottom half teams that Bournemouth look vulnerable with just one point out of nine in their past three fixtures. They are a team that usually raise their game for bigger challenges so this may not be the stroll in the park some may expect.

Eddie Howe is a thoroughly decent sort so is spared any cruel jibes and has the bonus that he was also brought up a blue. That goes far in my book despite all our collective ills. His sides are savvy, play good tempo football and at some point he’ll end up with a bigger challenge than Bournemouth. Although he seems well settled there so who knows? He may treat it as a civil service role and hang on in there until the villa in Cyprus at the end.

As for Bournemouth fans there’s not too much bad to report. They obviously smack of Tory vote a bit too much for our liking and some of the cheeky insular bastards were not so kind to scousers settling down there for work at the height of Thatcher. We’ve covered many of the small town stereotypes in previous previews and I’m wanting to rush to a close in this preview so they get a swerve and I hope that’s reciprocated by waiting until at least half an hour to bore us with the sign on song, the utter fucking clefts.

A list of some of their players:

Afobe – the same type of athletic front man who will ‘make it difficult’ for defenders and chase the ball with the consummate enthusiasm of a dog on Freshfields beach on a Sunday evening.

Fraser – diminutive little Scot, and there is nothing more small man syndrome than a tiny Scottish man. He’ll be a five pint wanker and no mistake. If you take a closer watch you’ll also see someone has cruelly boiled washed his tiny eyes. Looks a bit like the hobbit Shearer.

Stanislas – a shit little shithouse who scores against us. Right through the fucking back of him early doors, anyone.

Wilshere – annoying wee stepover gremlin. Take the yellow on him too and make sure he writhes around real good so we can all enjoy it. Have another bifter you fucking wankshaft.

All the rest of the Bournemouth players – they all look the fucking same with shit beards and waxed hair. It makes me genuinely sad that they will earn so much more than I’ll ever earn and have sex with prettier girls.

Sack what I said above, fuck them. Hurt them early and make sure whatever shithousing is needed to gain the 3 points. Send these back down south angry or you’ve failed, Everton. Who the fuck are they to even consider themselves worthy of stepping on the same pitch as us?

There’s a few options in the Everton team that means predicting the starting line up with any sort of accuracy will be difficult. Not up front though where Lukaku will start. Mirallas is back to his one in six ratio of aceness so I wouldn’t be surprised with a change there, maybe even Lookman who looks a very promising player indeed. Certainly a really good option to have off the bench for now. On the other hand I wouldn’t be surprised to see Valencia as the moon caught in Lukaku’s giant orbit for this one.

Midfield sees Barkley, Barry, McCarthy, Schneiderlin, Davies and the returning beautiful Gana Gueye compete for a maximum of three places. I can’t remember having so many decent options for an Everton midfield. Hopefully the competition spurs consistent performance from whoever the chosen ones are. A high functioning central midfield is a bedrock of many a performing team. Koeman – who now looks like Spitting Image puppet of his actual 1980s face – seems happy enough with the options he has anyway.

Will be interesting to see if the 5 at the back project is maintained or Koeman returns to a 4 and puts the extra man in midfield. Holgate got his first chasing as an Everton player at Stoke which he’ll hopefully learn from. Funes Mori terrifies me and Williams seems much more effective in a 3 back there too. Fuck knows really. Baines and Coleman will play as full/wing backs whatever the scenario.

Robles gets his own paragraph as he deserves it. Would be a really made up to see him stake a firm case for longer term as goalkeeper but there’s a long way to go. The beautiful, grande toothed Iberian lovehunk. With a mouth like Mahon harbour.

Anyway that’s it.