February

Hello again old friend. Yes you, I’m talking to you. Or am I? Or perhaps your loved ones. Behind your back maybe? Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you.

Anyway, Everton….

1.2.17 Stoke (a)

Pinch, punch, first of the month…. the punch being an early blow to the Potters as the unfeasibly skeletal Crouch struck inside ten minutes following a slick counter attack that left Koeman’s 3 at the back formation wickedly exposed for the first time in 2017. They almost repeated the feat not long after, but a smart save by Robles from Arnautovic kept the deficit to one.

Possibly against the run of play, Everton equalised when a cross-cum-shot from Coleman was turned into his own net by the big fucking yard dog Shawcross. Initially the goal was disallowed for offside as it appeared that Lukaku had the decisive touch, but after blue shirts surrounded the assistant ref, the decision was changed and the goal stood. Mark Hughes was fucking furious which makes the whole situation even better, the horrible lesbian haired shitbag.

We could have won it late on but a magnificent stop from their keeper kept out Davies. In truth, we never really did enough to deserve the three points, but a draw was enough to keep the unbeaten run going a bit longer.

4.2.17 Bournemouth (h)

“Goals goals goals! How do you like it, how do you like it?” If Andrea True had been at this game, perhaps that’s how her 1976 disco classic may have turned out. Y’know, if she gave a shite about football. And if time travel was a thing. And if…. ah fuck it, you get the picture.

Lukaku decided he was going to be absolutely fucking horrible to the visitors here and he didn’t hang about in starting, curling a sublime effort in after only 30 seconds. He then set up McCarthy for the second before grabbing another himself moments later after Bournemouth’s defensive line had a complete Chernobyl and left him clear on goal. Game over after half an hour, right?

Was it fuck. The old Everton returned, fell to bits defensively and gifted Bournemouth two goals in the space of ten minutes. Previously that would have been an inevitable indicator that an equaliser was en route but this side seem made of sterner stuff. Lukaku netted his hat trick after a 29 pass move and a give and go with Coleman, before notching his 4th of the day a minute later after a Ross Barkley back heel through ball that was, frankly, filthy in its execution.

Arter pulled another back for Bournemouth before the Wavertree maestro found his own name on the score sheet in injury time when he ran onto a long Funes Mori through ball, rounded the hapless Boruc and celebrated before shooting, much to the chagrin of social media who felt disrespected by the sheer bare faced cheek. I fucking loved it personally like.

11.2.17 Middlesborough (a)

For the first time this season, 25 games into the campaign, Everton finally wore their designated away kit. The reason I mention this is, absolutely nothing else of merit happened in this game. Not a single incident of note that I can recall. I think Valdes might have made a good save at some point. It rained a lot. Gareth Barry got booked. A bore draw but yet another game unbeaten since the derby.

25.2.17 Sunderland (h)

A comfortable, stress free, perfunctory home win against relegation fodder as David Moyes tried to recreate large parts of his tenure at Goodison and played for a frustrating draw from the off. Fortunately his charges came up short as Koeman’s Snakey Blues had too much in the tank.

The opener came after the visitors had resisted much earlier pressure but were finally undone by a bit of sheer class. The excellent Tom Davies sprayed a ball out to Coleman who got to the byline and cut a firm ball back towards the edge of the box where the arriving Gana Gueye met it perfectly and rifled a shot into the top corner. Davies almost doubled the lead in half time but his outside of the foot volley (think Osman v City) cannoned back off the post.

Everton’s dominance was almost total, although there was one brief moment of worry when Defoe rattled the crossbar following a sweeping counterattack, although the ref missed a blatant foul on Schneiderlin as Gibson went through him more recklessly than that cyclist he leathered with his Mercedes after 14 pints.

The game was killed off with 10 minutes to go as Lukaku bagged his 5th of the month, the big boss Belgian rampaging forward, shrugged off Oviedo as an inconsequence and finished scruffily past Pickford to the delight of the Street End.

A thoroughly satisfying month all round with two dominant home wins and two solid away draws that could easily have been more, had there been a spot more fortune. We’re now 9 unbeaten and only 6 points short of the Champions League places, although Arsenal and City both have a game in hand. Ultimately, top 4 is probably a step too far this season, but there is no reason why 6th place or possibly even 5th isn’t obtainable if this run continues. March looks on paper a month where we can continue to progress although the trip to Spurs this Sunday is the real marker of where we are as a team.

Until next time, Viva La Revoluçion x