Man Utd v Everton Preview

Guess you’re not into talking about Everton that much at the moment, so I’ll try to keep it short.

It was shite but it was hardly a surprise was it? Everton have been shitting it over there for a full 17 years now so it was predictable that those in royal blue would wilt. It’s not due to missing Schneiderlin or Coleman, they had players missing too, it’s mostly about Everton being shithouses at Anfield.

The sooner Koeman or whoever can figure out how to remedy that particular affliction they will receive a large dollop of goodwill and Evertonian affection.

Anyway, that’s that. So let’s look forward – albeit admittedly with some splurges of remnant bitterness throughout this godforsaken-too-soon-preview.

The second game of of the week sees another tough visit down the road, this time down the East Lancs to Old Trafford. It’s probably not high on anyone’s preferred fixture list to bounce back from a derby defeat but that’s how the Premier League computer spat it out.

To stiffen that task a little further Man Utd are on the back of a disappointing result on the weekend and also welcome back talismanic striker Ibrahimovic for this game. Lady luck does seem to have quite the strap on for the cute little anus of Everton.

Or maybe this could just be the very mindset that’s interfered with the universe’s wavelengths and therefore contributed toward Everton shitting it in such games. I’ve seen a lot of that about in the past couple of days, but it’s a load of horseshit if you’re asking my humble opinion. Which you’re not, but I need to pull a paragraph out of my arse here.

The truth of the matter is what you or I do contributes little to the performance or success of our team, I’m talking acute decimal points. Sure, there may be games under the lights at Goodison where collectively we create a good atmosphere which may in some way help a player or four, but on the scale of impact we’re largely redundant. It’s the players out there playing their sport that’s impacting Everton’s fate and often with a focus so intense that the crowd/customers are in their peripheral at very best.

A football manager certainly has a big impact on the club’s output with his strategy, man management and player acquisition. An owner, a Director Of Football, first team coaches. They all have some degree of tangible effect on how a team actualises itself in the game. The clubs will naturally big up the fans and their importance as, well, we’re customers. But even then us as customers aren’t that important in terms of income streams as the TV money dwarfs us, that’s why the clubs are being dead generous with ticket price halts and child prices. It’s good public relations in an industry where “brand” is massively important for sponsorship income and commercial development.

Whilst all this “believe it and it will happen” stuff is good on Ted Talks and tedious mindset training sessions you’re forced on in work, it doesn’t really have any effect for a fan to adopt this in football.

Not being a misery arse here, I just seen loads of stuff where the very life source of Evertonianism was being critiqued, blamed for what unravelled at Anfield. I’m perfectly comfortable in the realm of cautious optimism, pragmatism, fatalism and an impending sense of doom. I don’t want us meeting coaches with flares, Steven Gerrard still wonderfully slipped and shit it despite all that. I still think we’re dead special us and won’t rest easy until we’re winning stuff again, but then most fans of large clubs with any sort of history probably thinks that. I’ve lost my point amongst this pointless padding out of paragraphs. Soz. But fuck off.

Back on topic with United. WIth a large section of it’s fanbase being Manc you’re subjected to a particular brand of humour which has parallels with the cruel wit of Merseyside, but is just different. Can’t really put my finger on it to be honest. Maybe there is little difference and I’m trying to drive a wedge between it for partisan purposes of a marginally less dull preview.

Where there is a difference is in clothing, with Mancs seemingly limited to ordering from their mar’s 1997 Great Universal or “school grant in St John’s market”. While those blues making the trip to Salford will be not wearing much Everton colours – this is not the away fixture for that malarkey – you’ll probably stand out a mile for having colour co-ordination, a pleasant material odour and footwear that doesn’t belong in oily puddles east of the Volga river.

I am of an L postcode so I’m not going to give up anything too easy to Man Utd. I hope they get beat every game of the season mostly because there’s some in their fan base who would meltdown in a fury of self entitlement, but mainly because if Man Utd are doing shit then there’s a space above us Everton can probably take.

Also I don’t see Man Utd fans singing about Coleman’s leg break or with Steaua Bucharest flags on the Stretford End, or carrying a coffin when it looks like we’re about to get relegated. Yeah they sing anti scouse songs but we sing anti manc songs – without the need to do plane gestures at them. Before you throw “we’re not much of a threat to them”, have Liverpool been a genuine threat to them in the past quarter century either?

This is no love in, they’ve won enough and pained Everton sufficiently for me to dislike them plenty but there’s teams I dislike much more than them. In conclusion: very few of them arse me as a grown man but this partisan pantomime we endure on weekends allows the personalisation of hating on some baddies more than others. I’d have United over the other red biffs any day of the week even if the kopites are telling us they root for us when we play Man Utd. Get to fuck and conscend someone else, this is my panto. THEY’RE BEHIND YOU! No they’re not, they’re six points fucking ahead. Fuck off Everton.

Mourinho manages Man Utd these days and as per above that’s OK in my world as he’s probably the most high profile person in the world to call out the shite for what they are. Even if Mourinho is a cunt. But then so am I. You probably are too some of the time.

Here’s a list of some of United’s players:

Ibrahimovic – I’ll admit that I thought he was nothing much more than a Millennial’s wank sock material, all the young lids referring to him as Zlatan and giffing the fuck out of long range goals. Turns out they were right, he’s fucking ace now I’ve had time to watch him in the Premier League. The type of iconic striker I hope Everton gets in their relative prime one day soon.

Rooney – like fuck I’m opening up that wound, I’ve gone too easy on United above so need to swerve any more words that’s likely to fuck Evertonians off in their current sensitive state. If he does then he does, if you really insist.

Martial – boss player.

Rashford – one fucking boss player.

Mata – looks good on Match Of The Day but not sure how good he is really is when I’m not looking. Looks like the most handsome Power Ranger would if they took their suits off. Think he’s injured.

Pogba – buzzing because he’s got a Toni & Guy subscription and his own emoji. The utter fucking penis. You’re good at football, no one is arsed about what you think or that you’ve got Drake on speed dial you dense shithead.

Lingard – a Warrington lad who came through the ranks at United and had to battle hard for his chance and seldom fails to put a shift in. A technically good player too. More of his type as opposed to the above.

Carrick – possibly one of the most underrated Premier League players there’s been, which is fucking mad considering all he’s won. Does have a face like he’s just felt his first ever hemorrhoid in the shower. Don’t google it Michael, don’t ever google any symptom as Dr Google tells you it’s probably cancer. “Are you sure there’s no available appointments for the next three weeks? Ok well I suppose, but if someone does cancel please fucking call me, even if it’s 3am in the morning, tar love.”

Young – Marlo Stanfield faced shithouse who I still haven’t forgiven for diving like fuck against us with Villa. I’d like Barkley to tackle him after taking a particularly poor first touch.

Rojo – yeah we see your barrio tattoos tithead but we’re more scared of birds from Speke.

De Gea – grows that beard a couple of inches longer and doesn’t wash his hair for a week and I’m fairly confident a brown talking dog would appear at his side and starting trying to solve mysterious crimes with him. That said, best keeper in the land.

Time for Everton.

Lukaku didn’t play well and took a load of shit. I’m a fence sitter at the best of times and I’m not getting my arse from its groove on this. Firstly it’s fucking madness to hate on the first Everton striker to score 20 league goals in a season since Gary Lineker. That said for all his ambitions he’s pleased of throwing at the media willynilly it’s a bit mad that he doesn’t use these type of games to really show what he can do. Could be he’s getting pretty shite service. Could be something else. Tear into Old Trafford Romelu and we’ll forget this even happened. Same sort of thing for Barkley if I’m being honest. Despite not having the best game I didn’t see Ross hide much though, which he would have in previous seasons. Progress is progress.

The play the kids experiment didn’t work at all so I reckon we will see Mirallas step in for this at the expense of Calvert-Lewin. Don’t think Schneiderlin will make this game either so some sort of concoction of Gana Gueye, Barry or Davies will play and probably prove inadequate against United’s superior midfield, and Fellaini. Will be interesting anyway to see how Koeman – face like chewed eraser – responds and sets up Everton for this.

Pennington had somewhat of a baptism of fire getting twisted inside out by Coutinho and co. Which makes me think there’ll either be a four at the back here or Holgate will take his place and something like Lennon pushed out on the right. We’ll find out an hour before kick off so no point in second guessing it any further. I’m hoping Robles is done with his impression of a beaked up matador on some M6 bridge at 3am. You could have drove an Eddie Stobart into his net at Anfield without it being 5 metres touching distance from him. He’s been sound since Christmas so i’m willing to chalk this off, the mad Spanish get.

I promised you short and fucked that right up, sorry if you’ve read until this point.

Into these blues.