Fuck off Everton.
Now that’s out of the way we can look forward to the third game in eight days, in a defining week of the season which is doing our head in so far. The more shit changes, the more it stays the same when it comes to the big blue apple of your eye.
United wasn’t a failure, in fact a point at Old Trafford is somewhat of an accomplishment, it was the gift horse with a mouth wide open and Everton transfixed on it’s tonsils, without once blinking that pained me most.
That second half was screaming for a team to do some serious damage to Man Utd on the counter and that team isn’t Everton. Whether it’s mentality, quality of players, stagefright, the curse of the lost Today League Title (v. 1987) or just downright shithousery I don’t know. The ending was as predictable as it was lamentable. But I’ve told Everton to fuck off at the start so I’m best moving on.
So it’s a visit from the current Premier League champions to L4 this Sunday and normally that would bring a slight air of apprehension. Not so much in terms of Leicester City as they’re having a shitter of a season, contradicted somewhat by the fact they have a Champions League quarter final v Atletico Madrid right after this which in some way hopefully helps us as they rest players with it too being their third game in a week.
Many enjoyed Leicester’s title win as some form of symbolic sticking it to the man, as the media scrambled to stop condescending them and ultimately having to celebrate them. Not to be contrary but I didn’t celebrate their win too fondly because of two primary reasons: 1 – they acted like bells in the Everton end on the day they lifted the trophy and 2 – I have no fucking idea where Leicester is.
I’m sure you’ll agree dear reader that point number 2 is somewhat troubling.
When a nondescript small city English side rock up as opposition it’s fairly easy to stereotype what we can expect. Which includes but not limited to:
Scruffy dress sense all around
Shit tattoos intertwined with replica shops all over the show
Smelling of wet cardboard
Turning up full of “banter”
Acting sound in the pubs before
Acting like angry Inbetweeners on first time flake during the game
Acting sound after the game
Acting like angry Inbetweeners on first time flake on their coaches travelling through Walton
Sign on/ assorted other anti scouse/is this a library songs?
Leicester pulls the above off with consummate ease. So I know they’re from somewhere in England, I have an inkling they’re out east and from their accent and behaviour I know they’re southern to the latitude of Merseyside. I just can’t work out where and nor the fuck do I want to know, it’s not important as they don’t deserve me to have any awareness of where they are.
I know they were all made up as they found a dead king under a car park. I know that Gary Lineker bigs them up. I know that they’re fond of crisps – which is a rare plus point in my book for Leicester by the way. I know there’s some rugby/Tory behaviour amongst them. But that apart where the fuck is Leicester and do they have an actual point? Winning Premier League titles I hear you cry. Yeah? Where the fuck are Blackburn? Where the fuck are Leeds?
I presume it’s not long before Leicester pop back into their box and find their appropriate shelf in lower league football where our only awareness of them will be when we listen to Final Score on Grandstand for too long and they’re getting dicked by Walsall or someone. Or when some mad as fuck foreign owner takes them over and they’re rioting by throwing tennis balls on the pitch and getting a game abandoned. That’s Leicester right there. So is wearing brown brogues with jeans you TK Maxx bothering arsebiscuits.
Their players decided to lose Claudio Ranieri his job despite him winning the title for them and single handedly putting all their names in the history books for eternity. But Craig Shakespeare has come in and they’re playing for him, sorry they’re playing for themselves the self absorbed skiprats, and as a result Leicester are on a winning streak before Everton pops up in the fixture list which is par for the course.
Here’s a list of some of their players.
Vardy – one stealth faced fucking rat. Go head lad, chase that defender and round the keeper, you’ll be remembered as a racist scrote with the social grace and intelligence of a three month old shitstain.
Mahrez – won Player Of The Season then took an elevator right up his own arse to the Penthouse Suite where he remains to this day.
Drinkwater – really good player.
That’s about it for Leicester players that I know as, despite Ranieri’s best efforts, they’re not a memorable bunch. That’s a compliment though as it shows the quality of teamwork and hard work and all the good things that still remain in football. But fuck them, they’re playing Everton and we should hate them until Monday.
What about Everton?
Those unfortunate enough to read more than one of these previews (these people do exist apparently) may have noticed more words dedicated each week to Lukaku than any other player. In fact I’d like to think of the big Belgian as a sort of barometer for Everton’s season. If Lukaku is taking plaudits then Everton are doing well. If Lukaku is being doubted then Everton are doing shite. I’m a massive fan of the volatile nature of your average Evertonian, it’s fucking boss. In many ways it separates us from the other lot over the park as we are more than willing to rip the fuck into our own players if they’re not pulling up trees. They’d be lighting flares and making cringey banners for them. However I’ve seen Lukaku take a fair amount of shit in the past week for failing to perform away at Anfield and Old Trafford. I ask you, how many Everton strikers of the last quarter century have performed at Anfield and Old Trafford? I also would like to add the word “context” in stating that Lukaku is a consistent 20 goal a season striker for four seasons and stands currently with 21 league goals, with 7 games left to add to that tally.
Now I get the whole “chats wham while away with Belgium thing” and his blazing ambition being openly talked about too much at the expense of Everton but that’s par for the course with that level of talented player. It’s a non scouse trait to be lacking in humility as he may seem, or it may just be the confidence of a very talented young striker who scores shit loads of goals. He will leave Everton for a club in a better position, be it this summer or beyond, but until then it’s a bit weird using what I can only presume is some form or defence mechanism (lest he breaks our heart) to jump all over Lukaku’s back after a barren run of two games, away in venues where we’ve won just one game in 35 combined previous attempts. So in conclusion: who the fuck am I to tell you how to support Everton, briskly brush me aside and shout at Lukaku to fuck off from the sidelines if that’s what you want to do this Sunday. Or shout it at the TV, whatever floats your boat.
Barkley will play up there and I hope we get some more Mirallas time to see if he’s found a rare vein of form, which when it does happen is ace. He also puts a shift in and that bounce ball snidery on Tuesday night was many things we like about our most beloved shithouses. Fucking chicken lad. Well in Kev. Lookman and Calvert Lewin probably are a good bet from the sub’s bench right now, and never a bad thing to have two young lads deemed ready to make an impression on a very decent first team that we have right now. Subject to injuries like.
Talking of injuries I reckon from the photos of them training that your main man Schneiderlin is ready to stride back into the team and bully the fuck out of opposition midfields that can’t match his flawless hair. I’d like a run of him and Gueye in there to see if it’s as boss as I anticipate. Props though to Barry who had a good game at Old Trafford which is some achievement as he was apparently finished over 2 years ago. Good on you GarBar lid.
Defence is a big problem as we’re playing a fast as fuck Leicester team and we’re down to Phil Jagielka and a rather green Matty Pennington. As the box room dwelling FIFA Career tactical virgins pointed out there’s the option of maybe Holgate in there too but all those variables just burns out my head so I’ll wait and see who does play then moan like fuck when Musa skins them for Leicester’s third. That’s Koeman’s (face like a sunken sofa) problem to work out. I’ll just cry arse like fuck about it if he gets it wrong. Robles in goal.
Four points from this week wouldn’t be an utter disaster would it?
Fuck off Everton.