West Ham v Everton Preview

As we enter the sunset of another season it’s that time where some of you may take a reflective mindset and consolidate what’s gone before. I’ll leave such analysis to those (pretty much anyone) more capable than I.

There’s been definite progress – and I’m not sure why the fuck I’m typing like this is the final game of the season – and in turn that most valuable commodity for next season, hope, is amongst most Evertonians. Save for the edgy ones on twitter like.



Play the season at Goodison and we’re cooking on gas, baby. It’s the away form that is a next area of focus. If you split the table into home and away games only, you’d find Everton in ninth place for the away games with a measly four wins all season away, but the home table reads better with Everton second to only Spurs, Everton amassing an impressive 40 points and Goodison with still a couple of home games left to play.

No complaints for Ronko – with his face like a bitter autumn sky – as it’s miles better than last season and with a young team in place it should continue to develop. Right until the point that our key players agitate for Champions League football and we struggle to replace them. But no one likes a negative nancy so right up the toffs.

Who we even playing this weekend? Ah, Alf Garnett’s FC Brexit.



But first, some backdrop. Anyone genuinely disturbed enough to read these previews over a period of time may have noted kind previews for West Ham until last season. There were nods towards a traditional ground and local working class support. A set of fans you could talk to without wanting to blindside them as soon as they turned their head more than 70 degrees either way. Then something happened. I’ve tried to pinpoint where it went wrong and narrowed it down to this:

James McCarthy tackling Payet.

West Ham fans having a full kopite meltdown and demanding the assassination of James McCarthy.

The subsequent exposure of a saturated “millennial Soccer AM fuckwits’ amongst their social media support.

The We’ve Got Payet song.

West Ham – genuinely – trying to look down their noses at Everton because they finished above us for once.

The whole club thinking they were champions elect because they were moving to a converted athletics stadium.

The owners: porno Santa and the little gimp faced poison dwarf doing that cross arm gesture.



It really wasn’t a good season for West Ham and such is the great trust we place in other clubs not to act like bells that it’s permanently sullied their previous amicable name amongst many of us. Ok, maybe just me then.

But genuinely they fucking stink. Is it so wrong to enjoy a modicum of progression as a fan and not want to turn into cringey gloating fucks (genuine rivals excluded)? They sincerely thought they were on the cusp of greatness because they qualified for the Europa League on the back of signing a player too good for them and a new manager’s first season bounce. However karma did rear her beautiful head and immediately dump them out of said Europa League in the qualifying rounds to the same shit team who’d done them the season before. Undeterred the goddess Karma selected a most damaging strap on and proceeded to continue her fine work.

Next the stadium they moved into was fucking pitiful. It was miles away from their “manor”,  lacking any sort of character (unless Mo Farah is sprinting clear with 50m to go) and a pitch so remote that they can only get one bar on the 3 network. The chasm between pitch and fans serving as a poignant analogy of unhappy fans hating this new football sold to them, as they watch their beloved Upton Park cruelly bulldozed. And Karma wasn’t finished there, like fuck she was, one more thrust and their idol Payet fucked them right off at their low point to return to his ex. “I’m not quite sure you understand”. Oh we do. And so did he.



All of the above seen West Ham go to absolute shite and return to their traditional place of fighting relegation, all with one proper scruff of a bog eyed manager perspiring his way to what will be a presumably timely exit from his position. A piping down of infinite beauty with only the final act missing of yet another relegation and hopefully ripped season tickets lashed onto a running track. You can do it Karma, make it so.

BUT MATE ITS JUST BANTER – LOL @ TRIGGERING THE EV #COYI #HEADSFALLINGOFF. Get back amongst the soot you gang of chimney sweep fucks, no one gives a fuck that your uncle knocked around with the Krays. Your uncle is one lying fuck and every single one of you looks like you’re in the  James Corden gene pool, you tragic shitheads.

Special mention to the owners trying to tell the media that Birmingham City was a bigger pull than Everton when we desperately tried to sign Robbie Savage, back when we were proper shite. How bout them apples now you pair of weird ferrets?



One thing I do like is them having a statue of an Everton player outside Upton Park and trying to move said statue of Everton player outside their new stadium. Well in Ray Wilson. Everton are so good they honour ours with bronze outside theirs. Know your place West Ham.

Here’s some of their players who may or may not play v Everton:

Andy Carroll – the shite paid £35m of the Torres money on him. Ace.

Snodgrass – looks like he should be Hughie Fury’s best mate.

Feghouli – the entertainment lad in your all inclusive in Tenerife that makes parents round the pool proper edgy when they see him chatting to their teenage daughter.



Collins – a Farmfoods Charles Dance, the big shit ginger dog.

Reid – sound defender that.

Byram – remember West Ham weirdly taunting Everton for missing out on signing him? We had Mason Holgate all along, wonder how that’s working out for them?

They’re shit, they’re scruffy and they need to be beaten.

You listening Everton? Course you’re fucking not, you’re too busy listening to Jay Z on your platinum Dr Dre Beats.



Lukaku, Lukaku, Lukaku. I’m as bored of it as much as you probably are. I’m just enjoying his goals for however long he keeps lashing them in. Hopefully for a while longer but who knows. Enjoy.

Barkley is having a really good second half of season, looking like developing into the player we knew he could be. Koeman has done a very good job on him indeed in both managing and where he positions him on the pitch. For the two aforementioned players they should be ripping up an injury hit West Ham at their shite bowl stadium. I would imagine Mirallas will be keeping them company as part of a presently effective front three.



Burnley done a good job on Schneiderlin although it’s no coincidence that as his influence increased throughout the game, Everton moved through the gears. A budding Schneiderlin crush going on here. Gueye had a rare off game and was subbed at half time but guessing he’ll probably start away from home. Tom Davies is the third element and does a lot of stuff that may go under the radar but at 18 years young, what a player we have there. Industrious, always an option for a pass and great first time intelligent use of the ball all over the show. Roberto Martinez was courting Tom Cleverley and all along he had a lad in the youth team much more effective than the apple of his eye.

At the back expect more Williams and Jagielka, who is on a hot scoring streak. There’ll be more Leighton Baines at left back and a lot more of Mason Holgate at right back who suits that role much more than playing as wing back. He’s gonna be some player too I reckon. Until he agitates for Champions League etc etc. Or until Everton are in the Champions League? Better.

What the fuck is going on with Joel Robles’ mad side part? Can you see it from space? Just calm the fuck down Joel, everyone wants this to work. Be cool like the Fonz, no more of that shit. Stop thinking and just keep the nets. No idea why I’m addressing you in first person mind.



Enough of this shit, beat them blues. And in the cruelest manner possible. Karma demands it.

One Comment

  • Ollie D  22/04/2017 at 13:01

    Loved the FarmFoods Charles Dance comment, very funny read mate.


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