Everton v Chelsea Preview

Four to go and we’ve got the relative comfort of knowing exactly where we will finish, and that it will bring Thursday night euro togger next season. Would you have took that at the beginning of the season?

The four remaining results will have little effect on Everton’s season but rather than flip flops and thinking of shite instagrams from Marbella it presents an opportunity to lay a marker down next season, in particular for a club that apparently has loftier ambitions than Everton v2005-13.

Actualising those ambitions will be a difficult task in one of the most competitive professional sports markets across the world. Which begs the question how fucking much do Chelsea hate minorities though? Don’t even try to deny it you Combat 18 bellwipes.



Last weekend’s game against West Ham was drabber than a speed awareness course. I seen some fume about how the players were on holiday and stuff but I wrote it off as post game fume, which we’re all prone to. I’ve said some right dickhead things after various Everton let downs.

Speaking of let downs probably the lowest point this season for me was getting snotted 5-0 away to Chelsea. It just highlighted a gulf for which there are few shortcuts and that Everton were carrying a few too many substandards. Tom Davies did get thrown on for the last 20 however and edged his way into the team intermittently from that time. Some, like Oviedo, never played again and the sea change of Koeman’s Everton started rolling in earnest.

Chelsea arrive still levels above Everton, as evident with them being four points clear at the top of the table and looking good value for winning the league in Conte’s first season. Everton at home though are a different beast to what they may have been previous. With Spurs on a fantastic run and pushing Chelsea this will not be a game that the men from West London look forward to with any enthusiasm. Or maybe they do and I’m just bigging us up for the purposes of a very one sided preview.



You know all about the Chelsea team, their best players and how they perform really solidly as a unit. You know how Conte is flavour of the media and in fairness seems a good egg, even if the wild fanboy celebrations would needle the fuck out of me if I was in the opposite dugout. He’s currently playing the card of “slightly wacky foreigner” to England’s bigoted press so as long as he remains in that goldilocks zone they’ll see him right. “Isn’t Gino D’acampo dead cute lol?!”, can’t wait until MI5 scan deep on his hard drives personally. Reveal what he’s picked up from Tor the complete and utter danger.

What about Chelsea fans? I’m not gonna bounce in with plastic flags jibes as that’s just cringey as fuck. Chelsea have got history, they’ve got plenty of history to be proud of. Chelsea always had a staunch following of fans and that’s no different, it’s just that the past 15 years of wealth and success has propelled them into a worldwide market. At it’s core though Chelsea retain a strong identity of union flags, Rangers bromance, empire mentality and they absolutely fucking reek of Thatcher’s Britain. It’s for that those reasons that they’re positioned ideally as a faux enemy of the likes of Everton. I’d still have them winning the league ten times in a row if it stopped the dark-red-kit-launch-title-celebrating fuckwits who dwell across the park from us.



Being fervently into punk and clandestine NF meetings these days though is a bit dated, as is standing on the opposite platform of a train station throwing some menacing looks over at opposition fans, you Wrangler jeans wearing cockstashes. The mid life male impotence get together in their end every week is all the sadder as the tragic twats are still bouncing round in Adidas Samba thinking Ken Bates is going electrocute all their enemies via a fence. No one is arsed about that Ford Capri mk II you had back in the day or how you bounced into the Millwall end with just a bottle of Woodpecker as back up, nor are they arsed about how many girls you shagged in Benidorm back then as none of it happened you fat pathetic bigoted Brexiteering shitcunt. You didn’t “run with the Headhunters” you got on the Intercity 30 years ago and was made up that someone with a swastika tattoo let onto you. You’re making a twat out of yourself down in The Crown And Elephant on a Saturday night recalling these tales after eight pints of Carling Terry, you fat fucking mess. Everyone’s laughing their cocks off at your Thai dial a bride too, you inverile lying cunt.

And their non London supporting fans can get to fuck, every single bandwagon jumping last one of them. Your reflected glory act may convince the farmers in your Hertfordshire local but not I.



Apart from that I don’t mind Chelsea because the kopites hate them so much and because of Demba Ba, and Mourinho thumping a life preserver jacket at Anfield. That was fucking beautiful man. We owe you big.

A list of some of their players:

Costa – in the quest of quantum physics and being able to see dark matter I’m astonished boffins haven’t cut open Diego’s skull as there’s clearly a supermassive black hole inside there, slowly sucking his facial features in year by year, the contorted faced ace snide.

Hazard – untouchable on his day, buy us one of these please Everton and buy it soon.



Kante – really good player, an absolute pest. Gonna put him in the same breath as Gueye here because in an increasingly less contact sport you need little high energy shits like these to turn over possession without giving away fouls, or pissing cards.

Matic – the type of elegant hard working midfielder Evertonians appreciate, will be a good battle between their lot and our lot in the middle.

Luis – if someone in royal blue doesn’t piss/snide him off considerably I’ll be absolutely fucking raging. Right into him, the soul glo fuck.

Terry – don’t think he plays much anymore but hope he does and gets utterly terrored by anyone and anything to do with EFC as he’s one horrible English shithead. Give them eyelids a tuck too John you bad texan.

Courtois – looks like he should be in cahoots with Peter Sellers tracking down the Phantom. Another player’s ridiculously long neck you didn’t notice? Well you will now.

Lots of talent, lots to be wary of but with nothing much to lose I’m hoping Everton throw the entire fucking kitchen at them.



Starting with Lukaku who’s hurt them before and will be a valuable weapon to have against a defence which has looked a little wobbly of late. Even if the big brooding Belgian goal hunk may be playing for a move there, I’m short term strategy only this weekend so a big performance from him would be halfway to getting something from the game. Same for Barkley really, he needs to turn up in this type of game to show further proof of his evolution this season. If we go for the 4-3-3 currently en vogue then I’m guessing Mirallas will once again line up there.

Schneiderlin, Gueye and whoever is picked will have a real test against that Chelsea midfield. It’s a genuine benchmark test against the best midfield in the land. Koeman – with his face like a scorched Titleist – will similarly get a test of his tactical prowess against a very savvy opposition manager.

You know what the defence will probably be and they’ll have their hands full with the likes of Costa, Hazard and co wanting to wrap up a vital win for their title ambitions. Stekelenburg will likely remain in goal after Robles seems to have spaffed his sprouts with Koeman. Even if I am a lot more comfortable with Robles on any cross that comes into the box, the Avatar faced Stekelenburg being a bit too Tim Howard on his line for my liking.



Enough chatting shite, right into these. What’s our name?

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