Swansea v Everton Preview

Is it over yet?

The season, and to be honest the preview. It’s a short one as I’m stretched for time and there’s not that much to talk about on Everton. End of season is here and it happened five games before season closed. Not in an arsey way that either, European football secured with such a comfort margin is evidence of a very solid first season indeed for Ronko – with his face like a worrisome cloudburst – and there’s some genuine expectation for further improvements next season. Evertonians buy loads of season tickets on such things.

Is there any real reason to read on? Probably not dear reader but what else is you got handy to read on the bog there?



Put the Matey down you fucking weirdo. The Chelsea game was competitive until Pedro turned and arrowed a scorcher beyond Stekelenburg and from that point on either Chelsea moved up a gear or Everton’s resolve was broke and heads dipped. Two more goals followed to make the result ‘academic’ and shit was done. Save for both Chelsea and lamentably the shite doing the double over this season we’ve had some results against those above us but these calibre of fixtures along with away games this will be a focus to pick up more points next season.

So what about Swansea? First a confession, I like the south Welsh. There’s that who three types of Welsh and in comparison they come out easily on top. The scouser detesting north Welsh (and in some ways I can’t blame them as we tend to make better hosts than guests) are a bit weird. OK, a lot weird. The caravan rocking fucks have some really shitty towns and cities right along that North Welsh coast. I’d be genuinely devastated if I was born in one of them. The West Welsh are just downright odd. Like the weird kid in class who sat at the back away from the other kids counting the leaves on the window plant, wearing one of them pissy smelling waxed jackets and turning up for Physical Education in Chelsea boots. West Wales is beautiful but these backwards fucking druids are the payoff for such scenery, you can’t have it all.



The South Welsh are the working class Welsh with very little airs and graces, and near enough no spoken Welsh language. From good working class stock with the old coal works they too do possess some utterly shite towns and cities but are generally that fucked up that they’re good fun to be around. Whether that’s out in Cardiff, WIne Street in Swansea or even somewhere like the halfway house of Bridgend or the coastal hamlet of Port Talbot’s Station Road where it’s like the world’s longest running soap opera such is the drama on any given night out. It’s got it all, violence, sex, scandal. That’s just South Wales, they love that shit. But they’re usually very good drinking company wherever you find them in my book preferable to 99.9% of the English. Even if it’s impossible to have a quiet pint on your own in South Wales without someone trying to befriend you, which after an hour annoys you in the same way that fucking paper clip from Microsoft Word 1997 tried to be your best mate every time you opened the program up. They mean well though.

There is a whiff of rugby boys setting each other’s arse on fire during Sunday afternoon drinking and a fashion sense that can be labelled chic-Beirut 1992 amongst some parts. Nothing comes at a cost and it’s somewhat offset by how fantastically mucky the Welsh girls are. It makes me weep thinking how easy those South Welsh boys had it growing up compared to us having to try and blag fanta skinned gucci loving roller wearing pyjamas to the Asda princesses over a course of weeks just to get some bare tit. Everybody is literally fucking everybody in South Wales and no one blinks an eye at it. It’s like someone has dissolved 500,000 mitzies from the 90s in the local tap water reservoir. My only other criticism is that when you get two South Welsh people talking to each other it sounds not unlike a pair of excited guinea pigs hollering to each other.



Paul Clement has took over as manager to rescue their season and as is the trend in that type of club he’s made a decent fist of it, if he does keep them up then I expect he’ll be handed bumper new terms before subsequently taking them directly into the relegation zone by September next season. There’s a boom bust cycle around a lot of those clubs and as Sunderland just found out it only takes one time for the replacement to not bring the magic for it all to come tumbling down. Serves them right for toasting Garry Monk when they did.

Someone does need to tell Clement to shave that mosh pit of hair at the front clean off as he looks a twat trying to cling onto it.

Some of their players:

Llorente – I’m no euro togger expert but I remember the hip kids loving this lad long time so I presume he’s over 30 or had a knee explosion in his career.



Sigurdsson – cracks in many a fine goal and has been linked to Everton again for this summer, whether that’s true or he’s even interested in leaving Swansea is another thing but put me down as a big fan of midfielders who score regular blammos. We’re also in need some other players to score goals, especially if our Belgian For Column decides to fuck us off in the summer for Champions League ego stuff.

Fer – a David Moyes wet dream ruined at the last minute by some knee scan on them medicals we used to give out that was harder than SAS Selection because we were skint and couldn’t afford any lemons. Then Moyes left, we signed Kone and the rest is history.

Mawson – anyone from down south called Alfie in their twenties is a fucking tit.

Naughton – another Moyes close by no cigar signing but this time not the stringent medical that fucked it, but being gazumped by Harry Redknapp, who took Kyle Walker as part of the deal too in July 2009.

Swansea are desperate in a relegation battle and this is very much seen as a must win game. The maturer of us can remember that feeling with Everton and how those games were as big as any cup final in build up. Everton in flip flops would be most welcome to them.



Lukaku will start up front in exactly the type of fixture that you’d expect him to terror the opposition defence. I’m out of words for Lukaku and what if or may so we’ll leave it there. Same for Barkley too if I’m being honest, except that he’s not a central midfielder yet. Calvert Lewin being wrote off after ten games is plain daft so swerve that shit if you can help it. There’s better options up front as part of a three right now however so hoping Koeman has a plan there.

Think Schneiderlin is gonna sit this one out too which is a shitter. Gueye and Davies will start – both of whom were rare players to enjoy a good game last week – and my guess is that Barry will slot in there somewhere until the sharply manicured Frenchman is fit again.

Ashley Williams makes a return to the club where he’ll make his after dinner speeches in years to come. Some are using it as an aperture on whether he’s been a good signing and it’s a weird one because he wasn’t stood out yet we’ve shipped far less goals than last season. Maybe it’s a bit Koeman, maybe it’s a bit Williams, maybe it’s a bit more of me chatting shite. Jagielka will play alongside Williams. Holgate and Baines as full backs presumably, same for Stekelenburg in goal.



Wish you’d read the Matey label instead? Probably me too. Into these blues.

One Comment

  • Michelle-Louise Burrows  06/05/2017 at 07:59

    ” There’s that who three types of Welsh and in comparison they come out easily on top. The scouser detesting north Welsh (and in some ways I can’t blame them as we tend to make better hosts than guests) are a bit weird. OK, a lot weird. The caravan rocking fucks have some really shitty towns and cities right along that North Welsh coast. I’d be genuinely devastated if I was born in one of them. ”

    You cheeky b******! lol!

    I am North Welsh, a Welsh speaker, and bloody proud of it. Yeah, the area is not what it once was due to the decline of our coal, steel and aerospace industries (in reality, there’s only the aerospace left) meaning a lot of our people have to go to Liverpool for work, and our seaside towns have been ravaged by allowing druggies, alcoholics and other no hopers, exclusively from ENGLAND, to settle there. But it’s my home. And it pisses me off to see it being slagged off. Not only that, you think of the talent that ‘s come from the area. Football: Big Nev, Kevin Rat, Gary Speed – God Rest His Soul, Barry Horne, Ian Rush, Roy Vernon, Mark Hughes, Joey Jones, Michael “Judas” Owen… Non-football: Timothy Dalton, Rhys Ifans, Siân Gibson (Kayleigh from Car Share), Carol Vorderman, Tim Vincent… That’s just without even thinking about it.

    So, less of it. The majority of us Gogs are down to earth, warm hearted people with no airs and graces and you Scousers do make better hosts than guests…


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