Arsenal v Everton Preview

There’s always an end as sure as there’s a beginning. This particular end brings the curtain down on the 139th season of an Everton existence. Imagine what it was like before? So a few months without them isn’t too much of a labour.

So how was it for you? Did Ronko touch you in all the right places? Judging by the ridiculous demand for season tickets, plenty of you are optimistic for next season. But that’s for another preview, this one is wrapping things up.



Not that there’ll be any deep reflective parts offering a searing analysis of the 2016/17 season, there’s many who can analyse and articulate better than I and I’m sure they’ll be along after the final ball is kicked. It’s been a decent season and probably ticked most of the boxes you realistically aspired for at the beginning of the season. Without a trophy again though. That first game v Spurs trying to hit them on the counter with Deulofeu, and with Gueye impressing you for the first time (but certainly not the last) seems so long ago. And yet in contrast it flew past so quick. Perhaps there’s just been a lot of content crammed in.

Like most seasons there’s been swings of optimism and pessimism but we exit it in decent fettle. A recent run of meh was halted with a pretty straight forward win over Watford. Which leads us nicely onto Arsenal away for the final act.

Let’s get it out the way. I don’t expect Boro to get absolutely anything from Anfield so it’s largely a null point. But yeah I would. I so would if it meant them missing out on an extra 30m and bragging rights due to a last game dip, for us both. Up the Ronko bitter toffs.



Everton will be going to Arsenal to win the game, though the trouble is that history is against us taking three points. Our last occurrence of this was 1996 and prior to that it was 1987 – great lob Wayne lad. Arsenal have the bit between their teeth and for Everton it’s a fifth game in a row which is meaningless to us in terms of outcome. Comfortably numb in seventh place, just nod if you can hear me.

Arsenal are currently on a late season dash for Champions League redemption, with an impressive four wins in just ten days.

It’s somewhat of an understatement to say that Arsenal is a split fanbase right now. There’s a well documented civil war broke out over Arsene Wenger. In many days it feels like the last days of Rome, but with narration from fan TV channels exposing what utter bulbs they have across the fanbase. Not all mind, but it’s more a symptom of the self absorbed modern football fan whose voice has been heard due to social media and are drunk on their self importance with regards to involvement in their club. To balance this I did read some of our own demanding to be consulted on the new kit design. Mad that.



PASSHUN DOH. Nah, a load of middle aged fat biffs offering up shit comments in a fit of post game hysteria just makes me cringe. Get back home you desperate fucks. You should be leaving five minutes before the end anyway to beat the rush, that’s your thing. And swerve the stone washed jeans and Adidas Samba – you’re not on the Special to Millwall with your mates in 1987 you daft fucks. Let the past go and start getting your clobber in Burtons, you’re buying for comfort now shitheads.

Arsenal absolutely reeks of modern football. The new stadium with corporate facilities sneering at those who can’t afford it. Not that there’s anything working class about the Arsenal crowd, it would cost you a week’s salary in Jaguar to enjoy a home game with ticket price, cost of a pint and a cab in London. Is Arsenal Tory? You fucking betcha. I’m not arsed researching who they voted for but a look at the whole thing stinks of Thatcher’s Britain. Just as I’m getting into my stride finding reasons to dislike them I then cast my mind back to 28 years ago this week and everything about Arsenal is sound again. I’ll always like them for that, there’s unlimited credit in my book. Fuck your Man City and Aguero, the greatest ending to any season happened on 26th May 1989.



They do need to pipe down the titheads amongst their fanbase though. With the inflation of Arsenal tickets maybe this will occur naturally over time as more and more Home Counties lads saturate the Arsenal support, as these khaki wearing Heaths and Tarquins seek desperately an identity through replica shirts and social media selfies at the Emirates stadium.

As for Wenger, it’s not for me to say. He’s produced some of the best football teams I’ve seen in the UK during his time there. The “invincibles” team of 2003/4 will rightfully be feted for as long as knobheads comment on our TVs. Football now though is a hyper competitive market and there’s little time for sentiment. The bigger the revenue the bigger the demands for success. And Arsenal have a lot of that revenue stuff. They’ve been in the Champions League continually for so long without really troubling the league title for over a decade, they just seem to shit it at the vital times and as Evertonians we have a great capacity for empathy with such behaviour. So anyway, fuck them.



A list of some of their players who may or not play v Everton on Sunday:

Sanchez – ace player but can’t escape the feeling his eyes are upside down, and if there’s a medical term for that? Snap the little precious diving shithouse anyway.

Giroud – straight out of casting couch, sleazing a Czech girl into greasing her arse and shouting allez ALLEZ which somewhat ruins it for me. Just lash it in the foof and keep a low profile, I’m not watching it for you.

Ozil – a wet fart of a footballer, with eyes that two Chinese should be twatting across a table to each other with paddles.

Ramsay – good footballer, is he injured again?



Oxlade-Chamberlain – seems a good sort but I keep expecting a human cat and a hologram to turn up and follow him around in solitude, burning his head out.

Mustafi – is he any good?

Perez – is he any good?

Cech – loads of footie experts awarding the title to Arsenal when they finally signed a decent keeper. Managing Arsenal may be somewhat like whack-a-mole in some shit fair.

Delighted that’s the end of previewing intolerable scruffy ferrets for this season. Onto Everton then.



How many holidays do you reckon Koeman has got lined up? Case packed for weeks I reckon. Hammering the Teletext for last minute deals. Four star allocation on arrival? Fuck that, our Dutch maestro has got the room with the bath that turns into a jacuzzi. A gold coloured all inclusive bracelet and on first name terms with the over enthusiastic barman who you suspect would literally nosh him off right there and then for another generous tip. Ronald coaching him through the cocktail list though, urging him to do better. A little bit more sugar in the mojito, should have seen the other customer waiting at the right moment. But OK, this is vacation. Tommy Bahama shirt with a four button down strategy. Not a single scratch on them aviators, polarised too. Try them on and look at the sea, go on. Ronald’s not fucking about on holiday, not for you, not for anyone.

It’s probably Lukaku’s last game and if so then we will miss his goals loads. There’s a bit of cajoling of him going on from some of us and I suppose that’s normal. If it makes the separation process a bit easier for you then who am I to judge? Could be the same with Barkley which is weird typing that as I wouldn’t have guessed that an Everton mad lad who’s not yet fully proven himself at Everton wants to swerve us for someone else, or more dough. Maybe I’ve called that wrong and it’s just a shite game of negotiation skills but really it shouldn’t have come to that. From both sides. But that’s life, Everton will move on whatever happens and to be blunt: fuck anyone that doesn’t want to play for Everton.



Looking forward in particular next season to developing my crush on Schneiderlin who is midfield catnip for Evertonians. Made up we’ve signed Gueye too. Would love even better to see the pair of them properly get the better of a team above us away from home. Big props to Tom Davies in what they call a breakthrough season. Good things happening in Everton’s engine room.

I’m hoping next time we see Everton in a competitive match there’ll be some competition in defence but I want to give Jagielka a nod for being a fantastic servant and defender for Everton over the years, and someone whose absence is likely to be missed. Not that I reckon he’ll leave, but he’s done well to get back in the team and do well considering he was supposedly finished. Maybe we are a little too hasty in declaring our players finished? Food for thought. Williams hasn’t set pulses racing this season but we’ve conceded far less goals. Holgate looks a definite player who will compete for a centre back place in seasons to come and Baines is, well, still cool as fuck. I’ve chewed the arse out of the goalkeeper debate back and forth all season so are you really arsed? Defo the cityscape teethed Iberian for me though.

Ronald Koeman – with this face like a genetic combination of his mother and father’s features – seems the right man for Everton. But we’ve been here before, and we’ll be here again. So no sweating here. Enjoy the journey. I’m genuinely optimistic for Everton next season. There’s been so many times before where I have not felt that so it’s sound. Progress. And what is supporting your football team without hope, or even aspiration? Alright times these, man.



Anyway that’s the end. If you’ve bothered to read any part of any preview throughout the season then nice one, genuinely appreciate it. Really hope you have an ace summer, it won’t be that long as we will be playing some Eastern European vampire types at the end of July in the Europa League I suppose. How scruffy are foreigners though?

Might see you again next season, but either way right up the fucking toffs.


  • SuperTed  20/05/2017 at 11:39

    “Sanchez – ace player but can’t escape the feeling his eyes are upside down, and if there’s a medical term for that? Snap the little precious diving shithouse anyway.”

    The Thatcher illusion (also known as the Thatcher effect) is a phenomenon where it becomes more difficult to detect local feature changes in an upside-down face. The effect was originally created in 1980 by Peter Thompson, Professor of Psychology at the University of York.

    Had hoped all season for ‘with his face like a fishmongers tabard’, rips on redknapp, and stoic Ev-angelism re signings.

  • Paul Kelly  21/05/2017 at 14:12

    Ace previews lad. Liven up my day for the the few mins it takes to read them anyway. Keep them coming, roll on Europe. Can’t wait to see what you’ve got to say about the foreigners.


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