Hello mate. It’s been three months so it’s time to get back on it, that weekend distraction favoured by most of us.
Get ready for:
Occasional moments of hysteria and reckless hope/Mass fuming one hour before kick off at the chosen line up/Despair/Going to bed with a head full of Everton thoughts before a game/A maximum of one point from two league derby games/Investing too much in new signings and young players breaking through/Lamenting said players being wrote off by the dead edgy blues amongst us/Just one more pint/Standing up at 3.04pm to let that shithead past, again/Swooning at Baines/The first goal scorer you’ve placed hitting the post from 6 yards/Trying to develop love for Carling/Wondering if you’ll miss the away kick off because the M6 southbound is jammed/Getting sung SIGN ON SIGN ON to in the 11th minute/The Park End taunting them when we go one up/dipping out of Europe too soon/some fat bald fella doing star jumps for Goodison Exercise tannoys/not winning the League Cup/some ace late winners that make it worthwhile/beasting someone good at Goodison under the lights.
You didn’t sign up for it, but here you are, yet again.
It’s been a weird old summer. Everton splashing ze cash on a few big spends and optimism abound. Lukaku sold, Barkley seemingly on the way coupled with Koeman NET SPEND and a potential Sigurdsson hitch later and there’s an air of despair amongst many of you. Not for me to tell you how to support Everton, compadre, but we’re about to find out how ready we are with a really challenging start to the season.
For some, whatever Everton do or sign won’t be enough. For others there’s success right round every corner. The internet likes to polarise everyone into two distinct opposing camps. Truth is most of us swing from side to side occasionally, but mostly spend our time in the middle. Nothing wrong with that either. You’re a bit Bullens Road.
Pre season has ambled around. Everton are unbeaten even. Through to the next qualifier of the Europa League and I’m casually excited about previewing some of the eurobiffs, only so much sneering you can do at the English teams we endure on a weekly basis. That may arse the 14 regular readers of these samey shite previews, of which 8 of them are Google and Chinese robots.
So while there’s (always) various questions being asked of Everton there’s one burning question however and that is “how scruffy are Stoke?”. You and I both know the answer dear reader, there’s no kids in Stoke who get clothes for Lent. Neither did I to be fair. But then I didn’t grow up amongst bubonic plague.
Scratching the record somewhat here I can’t go too heavy on Stoke. It’s a club with a nod to its traditions and a good working class local support. Stoke is not as pretentious as many we will face in the league this season. Stoke still scratches it’s arse in public and wears Wrangler stonewashed jeans with knees so saggy you know they haven’t troubled a washing machine since the new year.
There’s a simple farmhand element to Stoke where they still call gay folk woolly woofers, the hideous Bernard Manning fucks, and fuck them further because the motorhoming OBE stripped sweating Brexit on legs sexpest Phil Taylor is from Stoke and yes I know that he supports Port Vale but the sweating obnoxious stroke faced rancid anus of a human needs shaming on whatever piece of rock he dwells until he is fired deep, deep into space and all audio, visual and printed records of him destroyed in an inferno. Then only can Stoke be free.
Daily life in Stoke is like various cutscenes from Rita, Sue and Bob too. Where the Cortina is king and simple aggressive men arm wrestle each other in afternoon pubs. Designer criss cross adhesive lead on windows of aspiring semi detacheds with crushing mortgages. Christmas lights on the BskyB dish in April. Rampant England support. How did Stoke vote in the General Election I don’t hear you cry? It’s a mixed bag as Stoke is 3 seats (North, Central and South) and the south seat fell to the tories. The other two Labour. Maybe their south end is a bit Southport, full of aspirational ex dealers and sneering bells trying to distance themselves from the common people. Like you. Because there’s nothing else to do.
But overall they’re tolerable Stoke, even when they’re strong arming our players in the box without the penalty awarded. Or when that Worzel chinned gimp Mark Hughes starts gesturing from the touchline at the referee anytime any opposition player enters a Stoke player’s orbit.
So it’s in that spirit of companionship that I provide a list of their players who may play against St Domingos this weekend:
Berahino – entitled little Millennial tit.
Chapou-Moting – sounds like a southern village that “gets what Tommy Robinson is saying” but is actually a Cameroon international recently signed and will score the only goal of his Stoke career against Everton this weekend.
Shaqiri – wee tekkers hobbit who swerved Martinez and needs a volley up the arse early doors by one of ours lest he gets any ideas of trying shit on with our defence.
Charlie Adam – Wallasey teethed Scottish midfielder who convinced kopites they had signed Pirlo.
Joe Allen – plays Pirlo in the year 6 Christmas play.
Darren Fletcher – new signing from West Brom, with a face you’d find in a sarcophagus, the shit bastard.
Shawcross – tugging a shirt at a corner, inciting Park Enders to berate the ref.
Zouma – surprised to see him on loan from Chelsea. Did you know his middle name is “Happy”? You do now.
Butland – talented young keeper.
They’re not a bad side to draw at home first game but if their decent defence is frustrating an impotent Everton attack by the second half then I worry somewhat for our Saturday evening best made plans.
So, Everton then.
Contrary to what yer dar claims we are going to miss the goals of Lukaku. Not only that but his consistency of scoring them across four seasons. Almost makes you forget some of the frustrating shitehawks we have tolerated for the most part of 3 decades up there. But ok this is football. And fuck any player who doesn’t want to play for Everton, you too Ross. Will be a combo of Rooney, Ramirez (hoping for some BLAMMOS from this cat) and probably Mirallas or Calvert Lewin up there. With increasing screams for Lookman until he’s brought on. We’re defo missing something up front and there’s 3 weeks to fix it. Enter Troy Deeney on August 30th.
Midfield is really strong on paper but not on current form where Schneiderlin and Gueye have been lacking in impact during pre season. We will need them both to consistently perform if we’ve any aspirations this season. Weirdly there’s more than a smattering of Davy Klaassen doubt which is somewhat bizarre behaviour. There’s no kudos or trophy on offer if you were first to write off a player and be proved right, you creepy turds. Let the lad try and find his feet first, even if his hair does look like your youngest’s school jumper elbows come June. Nothing but over enthusiasm for young Thomas Davies of West Derby who, well, looks a cracker doesn’t he? He will play a big part in this season, new signings or not.
Defence has been enhanced by Michael Keane with Koeman keen to add one more before deadline. Williams and Jagielka add the experience, and no doubt plenty of moans, Holgate brings the youth. Baines celebrates ten years at the club this week and what a signing he’s been, I wish we could sign him again. Probably Cuco Martina at right back although Jonjoe Kenny has the populist vote. Pickford will start in goal and look to stop Evertonians regularly talking about goalkeepers. If he does that then he’s a success. Them side on kicks though man.
It’s gonna take a while for the bunch of new signings to settle but sack that as it’s the same for many others too. There’s points to be won and considering the shitty fixture list after this one then it’s imperative to get off to a good start and trying to create some momentum and confidence.
22 years without Everton winning a trophy is way too long. So for all the aspirations of him and him and them, there’s nothing that can supersede that. Over to you Ronko.
What’s our name?