I doubt you want to read much about Everton at the moment so I’ll spare you the combined pain of that and my try too hard words with this special match day mini preview. Essentially a bog read for when you’re on a public toilet and can hear a belt unbuckle in the cubicle next to you. Pushed too hard there mate as the acoustics of the bowl echos the first salvo of air.
There’s a little bit about Man Utd if you do read on, promise.
The past 3 games have been utter shite. No two ways about it. It wasn’t the defeat and margin – although 8 without response is gonna rage the most serene of blues – but more down to there not being any redeeming aspects of the performances or even any crumbs of hope to cling to. It was textbook painful Everton from your buried memories of them at their shittest.
I’m not ready for calling for the gigantic Rice Krispy head of our Dutch overlord just yet but I can see why so many are so desolate. We just spent the thick end of £140m and look so much worse for it, which is fucking shite on any level. Anyway, don’t want to have to double drop on the Enalapril so will leave it there. But fuck off, all of you.
So, new season optimism completely eviscerated by mid September we can move on in search of a morale boosting turning point on which to turn a season. So a trip to the best Man Utd side in years, and one headed up by the ace striker they just signed from us is just what the doctor ordered, if said doctor was a twisted and malicious fuck.
You know loads about Man Utd, so what can I tell you about the most successful English team to play the game? Well in terms of fans it’s a mixed bunch. I refuse to let the kopites poison my waters in their search for an ally against them. While the wider footballing world has woken to the true nature of the kopite in recent years (thanks Mr Suarez and Mr Dalglish) there was only Man Utd who could see what we could see prior. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that. There’s a sizeable section of United fans who are working class locals and sound with it, I know this goes against the what may get banded around and therefore I guarantee you it is the last compliment I’ll pay them before moving onto poorly drawn stereotypes.
The scruffy bow legged canal pushing cunts. Fuck right off with your tedious songbook for the purposes of the TV microphones and just watch the game titheads. It’s also worth pointing out that any of Man Utd’s success had absolutely fuck all to do with you so claiming it as a some sort of reflected glory to sneer at others is the very thing you detest most – kopiteism. Hang on a minute, the more I think of this, and the cringey choir singing and the banners and chatting to smug mancs who chat utter fucking wham about football then I’m seeing hideous parallels. Do Man Utd hate Liverpool because they are vying for that profile? I’ll leave you to answer that, dear reader.
Going away to Man Utd is shite, and not just because they usually stove our heads in on the field. Off the pitch it’s overly volatile. The type of away where you have to stay with your mates and keep the accents down as there’s shithousing around for “scarsers” who appear an easy target. It’s 2017 lads. Calm the fuck down no one is arsed or impressed over your misplaced sense of territory. You’re wearing Joe Bloggs jeans mate and sporting the snidest of little bumfluff muzzies. You’ve got Slazenger trabs on you manc fuck and when the temperature goes above 20 degrees you drag the sofa into the front yard along with the Argos beatbox. Fucking tramps. Your accent, dress sense, inappropriate sexualising of your siblings and entire fucking culture is king wool behaviour. And for that you must be crushed/reduced to just a two goal winning margin.
So onto the team itself and it looks a good unit this year doesn’t it? Mourinho hasn’t fucked about after last season of home draws and shit. He’s gone out and prised Lukaku from us with utter ease, then got what looks like a relative fucking bargain in Matic not only for what he brings, but also for allowing Pogba to move up the pitch and start controlling midfields. The Frenchman will miss this game but they’ll still have too much for us. This is just 5 months after we were gutted to be denied a point in the same fixture. Where the fuck did that £145 million go? It’s one cruel fucking ponzi scheme Everton have bought into there.
Anyway, some of their players:
Lukaku – I hope yer dar is as critical of his first touch and miles ran up front as the boss Belgian pummels in his third against us. Best Everton striker of the past few decades, if you couldn’t see it then drop the edgy act and pay closer attention next time.
Mata – he signed yet? Oh no hang on, we’re fucking shite so why would he?
Rashford – what a player.
Pogba – what A.D.D. looks like in modern football, just pass the ball no one is arsed what your “brand” is you dull tithead.
Mkhitaryan – looks like a lead in a Kazakhstan remake of Friends but can play the footballs well, and is better in his second season after a slow first year.
Fellaini – I miss the big elbowing galoot.
Young – the Eat4Less Marlo Stansfield looking little shithead who snaked us when at Villa and I’ll never forget. You think it’s this way, but it’s the other way.
De Gea – ace him.
Time to talk about Everton and this is normally the point I’d chat a few names, commenting on who’s doing well or not. Maybe even a reference to what formation that may play. Like fuck I can be arsed doing all that right now but all I want to say is that Koeman needs to stumble on some formula of personnel and tactics soon to halt the rot. I don’t care who it is, what’s happened before with them or if we play in a most ludicrous formation. While we’re rummaging about fixing that it would be nice to find a least a few of said players who can throw a tackle in like they are arsed about their paymasters.
And that’s it really. Into them blues, just a simple wish.
With a knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone. You know the rest.