Everton v Burnley Preview

It’s one of them times again.

I reckon we’re about a fortnight from “he’s lost the changing room” and ace sounding German managers put forward as an easy fix. Except there is no easy fix, or it would have been fixed by now. I’d like to fix my weekends (and Thursday evenings) by fucking Everton right off.

Welcome to October.

 

 

Whatever way you wrap it up or analyse it I reckon even the most optimistic of blues would have struggled to see the liquid anywhere near the half point in their glass. The Cypriot league is shite and we just let one of their teams snap an away draw out of us, whilst playing with 10 men. As a result that means the hard earned European competition from a promising last season is very likely going to curtail at the Group Stage.

In the 18 months since Moshiri rode into town and hired his men Koeman and Walsh, and they got to pick their men to the tune of £200 million in transfers, you’d be hoping to be a little further forward than a listless predictable team who have very little about them.

Of course it’s early days for loads of new players but it’s the youngsters and forgotten players that hope is placed on getting us out of this. For a game on the first day of October it’s just really disappointing that more than a handful will share similar sentiments to myself right now. It was meant to be an exciting season. But then, well, fucking Everton.

 

 

Not that I want the flump headed Dutchman gone. In my humble opinion it would be taking us into geordie kneejerk territory and that seldom benefits a club long term. All the good managers are taken and it’s a massive risk to put an U23 coach in charge as some want. Not criticising this as how you support Everton is up to you, and I get how fucking desperate it feels now.

So riding into town ready to stick a knife or two in us are Sean Dyche and his Burnley boys. Something which we’re not, a team where it’s whole is greater than it’s parts. They’re not short of confidence with already this season some great results away to better teams than us, so I don’t reckon they’ll be too timid about their trip to Goodison.

In a Premier League sea of cringe and shitheads there’s plenty to like about our Lancastrian neighbours. While there’s a whole host of “projects” on the go with ball achingly tedious marketing self promotion of club and fanbases, you’ll find none of that shit at Burnley. Burnley aren’t going to win any style awards, either on the pitch or in the stands. They’re not going to beautiful documentaries made about them with a whimsical theme and classical music eulogising about great achievements or a collective identity that inspires folk around the world. Fuck right off, this is deepest rain sodden Lancashire and they’re gonna give you a game of footie and put a boot up your arse. They’re going through your silky playmaker. If you don’t like it then fuck you, they’ll do it again. Any of their players that doesn’t do it is getting hauled off quick smart and another eager beaver sent on to elbow your ribs when the ref isn’t looking.

 

 

It is a disservice that as they can play some nice footie but the key message is that the poor bastards in royal blue that are feeling sorry for themselves and low on confidence probably aren’t gonna like being on the pitch Sunday afternoon. The other point is a subliminal one which you probably picked up on and that is “how scruffy are Burnley?”.

The answer to which is “extremely, my friend”.

If it’s raining them expect a legion of three quarter length Puma coats heading via machine and beast to the 21st century from Burnley. Simple hordes with limited IQ but a good heart and commitment to the cause. Think north of the wall on Game Of Thrones. But with dirtier fingernails, and ENGLISH BY THE GRACE OF GOD tattoos all in places where a Donnay polo shirt doesn’t touch.

 

 

You’ll never find a clean ashtray in Burnley. Golden Virginia and yellow fingers all over the show. Rolled up and behind the ear. Calling passing girls “darling” and uncomfortable sexual innuendos are the hallmarks of the top shaggers in town. Knee tremblers round the back on the weekend. Kids with big ears and simple ways. Gruel butties for supper.

Want some data? The average life expectancy for a male is 4 years less than the national average. 63% of of all adults are classed as overweight or obese. There’s a higher % of people in Burnley that report having unprotected sex with their last new partner than those who used protection for someone new. All 14 districts in Burnley voted for Brexit. They did however vote Labour at the last General Election.

Social class is divided neatly and simply in Burnley between who goes to Blackpool on holiday and who goes to on a trip of a lifetime to Benidorm. Despite all this I like them, I like them a lot. And I wish the rest of the Premier League was more like them. Long may they stay in the top division as they’ll only be replaced by some annoying bellwipes with ideas above their station and fans trying to “banter” us. They also like putting one over the shite across the park. Wish we was more like that to be fair.

 

 

Manager Sean Dyche has a voice for promoting gritty crime dramas on UK Gold and has a head which is 85% Scotch Egg. He’s chatting absolutely no shit. He’s coming for the points and this is some of his team who may or may not play on Sunday:

Chris Wood – big galoot signed from Leeds who will be all over the Williams-Holgate axis of meh.

Defour – a previous Moyes wet dream, more than decent midfielder too. Didn’t cost between 25 to 45 million pounds, oddly.

Hendrick – an Aldi Robbie Savage and with a head so round kids try to carve it up and put in their window on Halloween, the pumpkin headed fuck.

Brady – Irish lad who can take a free kick and looks like the most Irish lad that’s ever existed. Bet you he’s “into the MMA” and wears a waistcoat to the Grand National.

Stephen Ward – give the lad a fidget spinner for that fucking nose.

Pope – young keeper playing in place of Heaton, I’m sure our team of number 10s won’t trouble him too much.

 

 

If the latest result doesn’t shock Ronko into making some changes then we truly fucked. Whatever he’s persisting with isn’t working at all. Right now we could do with a team of players in their preferred positions and if that means some big signings sitting it out then so be it.

Calvert Lewin is a nap to start as he’s the only presence we have up front that makes the ball hang around in the opposition’s final third. The rested Niasse should also be pushing for a start you’d guess. How the fuck did we spent £200m and end up with that as preferred attacking options for an almost must win game? No idea if they’ll be part of a 2 or 3, and who else comes in. Probably Rooney, but it should be Vlasic, or even maybe give that Lookman lad a shot as he surely can’t be any worse than the others up top.

 

 

There’s no real balance or understanding in the midfield which is a shame as Schneiderlin and Gueye are fine midfielders but it just isn’t working now, and probably not the best option together at home for games you want to be pressing. Davies had a poor game midweek but I’d stick with him as he’s at least effective when he turns up. What other options do we have? Sigurdsson somewhere in there I suppose, need to see something from him soon, with relegation battles being his forte. Me-ow.

Can’t see Williams doing many Everton after dinner speeches when he’s older and a shame Holgate is thrust into a partnership and team that’s under pressure and making mistakes. Keane misses out facing his old club through injury as does Jagielka. Is Funes Mori still playing for Everton? If so when’s he back? Seen some good stuff this week about partnerships and it made me think about Baines and his absence of any sort of partnership with a player on the left since Pienaar faded. I’d personally stick with Kenny at right back and give him a run of games, see how he does. Pickford will be in goal.

 

 

This fixture is the final game for a fortnight as we get hit by another tedious poorly timed international break. Really can’t be arsed chewing another Everton shitshow for a fortnight.

Onto October it is. Three points needed, apply within.

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