Everton v Arsenal Preview

What can I say? Everton are shite. That about covers it I reckon.

Whatever stops us from being this shite will carry a lot of favour as it’s worryingly as grim as I can remember, or at least I have blacked out the even worse bits.

There were much worse bits too but they weren’t after spending the equivalent of nearly £200 million on new players in the calendar year.



The Lyon game went as you thought it may be. Wasn’t helped by giving away a penalty after 5 minutes but the fightback (in the literal sense too) was plucky Everton, right before that damaging pluck shit a second goal to Lyon and from that point on our goose was cooked.

Your in game anxiety as an Evertonian predicts nothing but abstract failure & pain, but as an instinct it’s prolific right now as there’s fuck all about this squad which shows any sort of character. Well apart from big Ash Willo lashing their keeper. The box of frogs headed jarg taff gets a five game pass from criticism from me for this beautiful act of petulance, as it was peculiarly nice to see some fight in the team. A bit less of the yer dar boxing the ears off the Lyon keeper while on babysitting duty, but that’s just us, we’re a bit full on like that once you get us going. Wouldn’t change us either.

So onto Arsenal and there’s a parallel between this fixture and the corresponding one last season. Everton go into both in nothing short of a tailspin of form, and with plenty of pressure on manager and players. The subsequent goodwill from that fixture and the run of games beyond it last season has been eaten up by October this season which tells you just how inept we currently are.



Arsenal aren’t having a great season by their own admission, they’re pissing the Europa League group and a win puts them in fourth place. Oh to be Arsenal. Without that cringey Brexit fanTV stuff they do though. Arsenal’s constituency didn’t vote for May or UKIP though so we’ll dead end that particular avenue of abuse, and well in too.

There’s an air of arrogance about Arsenal that makes me prefer Spurs a bit more. But then I remember their services to football with THE greatest football game ever in 1989 and all is forgiven. I can’t arsed typecasting them as it’s Saturday and I want to get this preview done so I’ll speed past Wenger being two defeats away from licking his own eyeballs on the touchline and move on a list of some of their players:



Sanchez – looks like he’s been buried alive, eyes like a weekend comedown but plays sensational togger. He’s gonna fuck us.

Lacazette – small, technically gifted, nippy and foreign. An Arsenal signing and no mistake.

Ozil – with eyes fresh out of Madagascar, either turns up arsed and destroys you or does fuck all. A conundrum of a player. Would love him at L4.

Xhaka – energetic midfielder who wants to portray having an aggressive streak with the main problem being nothing aggressive has ever come out of Switzerland, ever. Just milk the cow and yodel to your mate on the other mountain lad, and hold on to this rare painting for me until this war shit has passed.



Kolasinac – another of them Balkan boys who overcompensate for being from a land wreaked by invasions by doing loads of dumbbell exercises and never smiling. Fuck off lad and get back to my gardening.

Cazorla – take your foot and plant it up his arse early, problem solved. You won’t though Everton you little shithouses.

Mertesacker – if you plant magic beans then in the morning a massive stalk with currywursts hanging off it will appear in your garden, for Kolasinac to practice his roundhouses on, the intense fucking twat. Back to the strimmer dickhead.

Cech – alright lad you got kicked in the head we get it, there’s no scrums in footie so get that fucking thing off.

So, Everton.



Fuck knows who Koeman will play and if he can stumble upon a winning solution like he did last season v Arsenal. Have to say the evidence points otherwise.

It was telling that more than half the team were 22 years or younger that finish the game on Thursday. We thought we would be looking to the big signings and instead we’re looking to the youth for salvation.

I’d normally try and second guess some sort of team or formation but I can’t be arsed. Just find 11 players who won’t shit out and will at least compete and that will lift the crowd and then the crowd will…you know the rest.



We’re in the shit so we need some form of reaction on Sunday, but not as much as we need some points, and then some fucking momentum to turnaround this shit tip of a season.

Fucking hurt them Everton, you horrible bastards.


  • Mark  21/10/2017 at 21:15

    Fucking genius every time!

  • derek thomas  21/10/2017 at 22:05

    Apart from the wire what’s your favourite series


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