Liverpool v Everton Preview

So, renaissance or anomaly?

3 consecutives wins if you desperately grab at the deadest of all rubbers in downtown Nicosia on Thursday night against Halloumi AllStars. We’ll take what we can get this season I reckon.

Before we allow ourselves any semblance of hope however, the fixture computer just served us a right shitter with the annual crusade to piss mountain. And if you’ve forgotten the taste on piss mountain then I reassure you it’s bitter as fuck.

Maybe this type of mindset is the problem? Read on to not find out any answers that you may seek.



Before some millennial wag with a head full of memes starts giving me a coaching session on mindset it’s not as easy as that. You see I’ve wished and believed that this year was different. That they were shite compared to before/us. That luck would finally fortune our side. It didn’t happen. Not once. Now the folly of youth turns 18 since Super Kev and it’s time for acceptance. It’s gonna happen and you need to distance yourself so it pains less. Objectify the event and deal with it.

The Huddersfield game was another welcome 3 points that weirdly moved Everton onto page 1 / 2 on Ceefax. Which is a bit mental when you consider how shite we’ve been this season, and that it put us 8 points ahead of a relegation place. Such is this Everton’s squad’s propensity for durge that no one is gonna relax until maybe 45 points are up, if we attain that like. Recent signs are decent as the team revisited the art of defending, and gouging the eyes of victory until submission.



So there’s a bit less anxiety about the points situation going into our next game. That mad bit of hope that remains hopes it galvanises the royal blue shirts on the field to at least not collapse in the first half to a goal and pace jamboree, and even let us sweat on holding out for a point. Any sort of spawny fucking win there and it’s town for the week. See the hope spring eternal there? Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane, as a decent Red once said.

OK I know why you’re here. So let’s start with the scoreboard.  On their scoreboard it shows them as Liverpool FC. Where’s the need for the FC? Just because Shanky used to say it before they treated him like shite and that grandson of his changed his surname and raised his eyebrows in every media photo to accentuate the likeness doesn’t mean that they have to put it on a scoreboard 50 years later.



Them bitters doh lar.

The problem is with goading someone is that the other person needs to have sufficient lack of awareness to resist against it for full affect. Kopites trying to gain bantz points against Evertonians over derby wins is a futile effort. Evertonians are far more certain of defeat in the fixture than they are of victory. If there is a more enjoyable scouse pastime than pointing at someone’s overconfidence imploding and shouting “SHIT ON” then I’m yet to experience it.

History bestows us with some beautiful moments such as Beasant 88, the truly sublime Thomas 89, Cantona 96, the victory bus 07 and the creme de la creme of Gerrard’s slip 14, when the Premier League Champs t shirts were already on sale in town and the last home game date weeks ahead fully sold out of any lodgings, as every other annoying Irish tit wanted to come to town to sweep up on cheap Instagram likes trying to super validate their non local connection. It’s bad enough once a year with the Grand National tempting over a load of ladbible obsessed Conor McGregor empowered Seamus and Padraig types, desperately over compensating their cheery eccentric approach to both life and alcohol. The fake fucks, but then that’s why they chose Liverpool.



The kopite mindset is about superiority by proxy. The reflected glory masking clear self loathing in the being. Their house may stink (© EAW), their personality vacant, their existence superficial, bu yeh yeura bitter bloo and yer team are shite 5 times lar.

All absolutely correct, and believe us we would crow like fuck if we’d won 5 European Cups. But breathe. Let the moment pass. And you’re back in the room wearing clobber so bad TK Maxx puts it near the till and your kids are calling someone else daddy. No ones fault but your DNA. The law of attraction dictates that Liverpool and you were meant to be together. The superficiality and self promoting cult with zero self awareness for which the world evolves round on its axis is always going to attract your average kopite fan. The premise of hope being torpedoed repeatedly in the most cruel fashion possible yet remaining steadfast is only going to attract the masochists of Evertonians.



Some doctor called Dre once asked “what’s the difference between me and you?” and I’m not astute enough to answer it sufficiently in this try too hard preview. You notice the differences in mainly attitude I reckon. A few minutes talking to someone gives you and indication if they’re a red or a blue. Blue’s have a defensive shield and self deprecation from the torture of Everton. Kopites eat beans from the can, insist on Davy Liver to save 50p home at 2am as you get soaked on the steps of the bombed out church, and insist on splitting the bill. They also are happy to excuse racism of their players if they score lots of goals and it’s “only against a Munich”.

It’s true there’s contradictions where you look for every club but with them there’s a hell of a lot more and you’ll meet an equivalent of a Russian bot attack if you question it. Niasse made the most of it. There. Easy.



But when the whole point of supporting a club is for reflected glory as a vehicle to gloat at others and raise one’s self esteem then maybe we are expecting too much authenticity from our nearest and dearest. Unless of course they happen to be supporting the club because it’s their local club. It’s disingenuous to mock authenticity without acknowledging the plenty of sound kopites out there, I count them as mates and family, but put a derby on the TV in front of them I waiver temporarily.

Them out of town ones are the more rabid though. You’ll never see them puff their chest out too much in the city as they get buzzed off. But go visit them in their native terrain of Rhyl, Carlisle, Tromso, Mogadishu or the Internet and you’ll see societal peacocks riding that big red vehicle of identity. They even use scouse words online to try and show how much they get “the Liverpool way”. With the Liverpool way being a direct line from their credit card to the merchandise till.

I can’t begin to tell you all the many deeds I do often to get one over them and ruin their day in any little way. I hope you are doing too.

A list of some of their players:



Firmino – a heady mixture of Samba, unconvincing rap culture, teeth and scoring goals in comfortable wins. Using a body for art and expression, with a face that should have been kept hidden away in a Favela basement.

Salah – really good player.

Coutinho – really good player, desperately wants to play for someone else to avoid all the weird “playground restricted” types on the first two rows at Anfield continually filming him in the game on their androids.

Mane – really good player. Find a way to distract him if Everton are to get anything from this. With that cliff edge right angle of a forehead maybe if you printed a big H and put a circle around it then he would be harassed by helicopters coming to land into Speke.

Henderson – 4th cock of primary school and don’t you ever forget it. Hurt him.



Milner – whole hearted jarg Alan Harper who’s due to retire back to the Bash Street Kids very shortly.

Lovren – do they rate him or hate him this week?

Mignolet – has a jaw that should have KIRKBY SKIPS stencilled all over it, test that bad shit shot zombie. But we won’t.

They’re a decent team in good form at the moment so facing them away from home is no too palatable for Everton. There is however very little pressure or expectation on Everton to come away with anything there.



The division of the squad into stay at home and travel to Cyprus gives some indication of who may be in line to face the tricky reds. DCL or Niasse are going to be up there in some shape or form as there’s no one else capable up front. I reckon Rooney will be kept deep and protected by the legs of Gueye who’s a sucker for a 23rd minute yellow card. Davies has been also preferred but is a little out of form at the moment so perhaps a change there.

Can’t see any changes to Lennon on the right to work hard and compliment Kenny – who for once it would be sound to have a local lad that puts a foot in this game and not shit it. But not get sent off too easy. Sigurdsson seems to be easing into the team and his place in it, or even around him so will defo play.

Everton clean sheets are rarer than a Tory show of empathy and therefore I can’t see the Williams and Holgate pairing being broken up. Only thing that may happen is Keane is brought in as a third centre half to try and negate their forward four. Is Baines fit? If not then Curacao’s captain will be there somewhere and that terrifies me as much as it intrigues. We finally have a decent keeper in Pickford so hoping there’s a bit of Martyn at Anfield amongst him there.



So have Everton collected the black brick at the bottom of the pool and can only now head back up? Like fuck. Certainly not until after this game and the slapping we will receive in it. After that though maybe the rot has stopped and we can get on with weekends to be arsed about.

Right fucking into these though, they’re shite.

One Comment

  • Derek Thomas  10/12/2017 at 00:44

    I’ll take any score that starts with fc bigstand 0


Leave A Comment

Please enter your name. Please enter an valid email address. Please enter a message.