Everton v Crystal Palace Preview

I think Paula Abdul said it best when prophesying about Everton’s fate 2013-2018 (a little known specialist subject of Ms Abdul) when she said “I take two steps forward, I take two steps back”.



A little under 5 years ago Everton were waking up to the prospect of Moyes stability or glass ceiling (depending on your polarised perspective) would be no more.  Five years later we find ourselves caught in a Premier League purgatory of false dawns and boom bust cycles that were the domain of others. Two forward two back. Maybe three back sometimes.

Just want to make it clear this isn’t linked to the news this week that David Moyes won’t be staying at FC Brexit beyond summer, he can clearly get to fuck from anywhere near the reins of Everton but it’s testament to our ongoing malaise that some are even pondering it.

Just how do you fix a problem like Everton though? Whoever works that particular conundrum out is going to receive some long time love and adoration. As Moyes once did of sorts I suppose.



Want to start a preview by making yourself unpopular though? I can’t buy fully into the extreme Allardyce vilification just yet. I don’t particularly want him as Manager but this is a set of players that’s flunked on 3 Everton managers in a little under 4 months. Allardyce is an easy focal point for our understandable overflowing ire but there’s talented professionals on the field who are fucking up footballing basics time and time again, and I can’t wait to them included in a huge heave ho I’m anticipating this summer.

Five goals conceded to Arsenal torpedoed one Everton manager this season, the five goals happened again and as much as we want to wake up to a brand new world of Everton, this ain’t gonna happen before summer and after we settle the issue of hopefully remaining in the Premier League for the season to come. There’s a collective ongoing fuck up on the good ship Everton and many should tumble, not just another manager.



But to the here and now. This happens to be Crystal Palace this week who have themselves this season fired a Dutch manager, skirted too close to the bottom and then hired an ex England manager who has picked up some inconsistent points to ease the situation. Allardyce v Hodgson it is. There’ll be no character assassination of Roy Hodgson as he’s seemingly one of the few decent men left managing in the Premier League. Plus he presided over a really shitty patch at Anfield where the great ambulance rockers were forced to confront their own insatiable egos and self awareness, and realised in that period that they are no longer the greats of the game. Can we swerve calling him “Woy” too? Nice one.

It’s a mercifully short preview as I find little to have a go at Palace about. They’re a decent club in tune with their fans, who happen to be sound to chat Football with – and that’s a rarity in today’s league of bad fucking plebs. You may roll an eye at their over exuberance for Nord Curd style ultra behaviour, drums and chants but I counter that with the services to Football they provided in the 3-3 Crystanbul and the delight they took in doing it. I honour them in this very preview with an odd random photo or two of that game we’d all probably forgot about.



Some of their players:

Zaha – he’s out and they haven’t won a game since 2016 without him playing. We all know what’s coming next. Course we fucking do.

Benteke – big occasional nuisance up front suffering from a forehead that seems to be crushing his facial features not unlike a determined glacier.

Sorloth – big Norwegian nuisance they may deploy instead of or with Benteke to trouble our airspace more than an enthusiastic drone fayre in Speke.

McArthur – for every 10 Glaswegian males you see in Malia you’ll find 6 of them look like James McArthur, and every single one of them will pesting unaccompanied females in shite bars before being spotted trying to fight a stationary moped at 3am.

Townsend – with a deeply suspicious cranium that I’m waiting to split in two one day soon – Thunderbirds style – and fire some Elon Musk contraption into deep space. In the meantime the shitbastard going to do mad shots over the bar every time he gets within 30m of goal.



Van Aanholt – one of only 3 things on this planet that enables Sam Allardyce to gain a sustainable erection. Since you didn’t ask, the others are 100mg of Pfizer’s finest and a microwaved Fray Bentos slid inside inside a heavily margarined cob.

Cabaye – hurt the quilt for trying to snake us while at Newcastle.

Tomkins – looks like a jarg Gorillaz album cover, the absolute fucking dog of a defender.

All I want from this Everton team are nine points. Then I can get back to watching on weekends in eternal hope of some Kevin Brock type wormhole opening up and spewing out a great team that wins stuff, fuck knows it’s been too long.

Who was to know that we would embark on a signing policy that paid homage to John Collins 20 years just gone. I reserve the same disdain for loads of them just as I do him still to this day. There’s no cohesion amongst them and very few putting a shift in with any sort of conviction. Come relegation we would be fucked off on a whim with scant regard.



Not all mind, but far too many. Some genuinely talented players there too that can more than hold their own in a competitive Premier League. A dangerous toxicity has descended upon the club will permeate until we find the right person to lead, but then isn’t too many looking for the exact same leader? Financial incentive will attract more than a few but then the worst loyalty is loyalty that is bought. Can we expect any loyalty from manager or players in the present Premier League? Like fuck. But a least a few playing for the shirt to some degree would engage a downtrodden fanbase, one becoming dangerously more apathetic towards Everton. As demonstrated by the most official and in depth scientific measurement of fan apathy – how many tickets are available on stubhub.

It’s fair to say Tosun is “adjusting in” which leaves DCL and absolute nap to start on Saturday, after his goal v Arsenal. Walcott will too Id guess, along with Sigurdsson after being rested v Arsenal. Schneiderlin has assumed peak Everton bogeyman status so wouldn’t be surprised to see some sort of combo involving Gueye, Davies and Rooney.

I really don’t know for defence. Just any of them who can at least not concede with the ease of a French ground commander, and of course Seamus Coleman. Wonder how Pickford feels his big move has gone?



Disjointed preview then but maybe that’s a reflection of this shit show of a season for Everton. Doesn’t stop me continuing to hold out hope that the glorious wormhole is just around the corner though. Otherwise what’s the point?

Lost, in a dream (do do do do).

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