Everton v Man City Preview

Time to wake from that slumber for one final sustained time, to tackle the remaining seven games of the season. No more international breaks, no more relegation fears, just Everton on the back of a heady two game winning run playing the togger for your viewing pleasure/disgust.

Sound’s almost almost laissez faire which is most welcome after a season of high anxiety. I used the adjective of “almost” there as when your next two games are the City Globetrotters and La Montagne d’Piss then there’s high chance of a gubbing for Everton still left in the season and the subsequent gnashing of teeth across your fave social media platform.



Admittedly I’ve become a big fan of doing casual armchairing while viewing the game through the prism of twitter. That collective connectivity and high level of hysteria is fucking great, apart from you’re on one of them 2 minute behind streams and the inconsiderate bellends amongst us can’t give us the courtesy of delaying their celebrating or bemoaning of goals.

Speaking of twitter it has been a tremendous two weeks where the stadium capacity debate has burned through the international break. Our main man Danny Meis wouldn’t guarantee bettering the Macarena capacity and my timeline melted down into something Cambridge Analytica would view with complete admiration. Everton loves a good fucking chaos.

I don’t really have any feelings on it as I have only a basic understanding of economics and guess that all sorts of consultations and studies are being done which will result in the best our man Farhad can get for his buck. That we are seriously talking this time, apparently, of building a stadium on the River Mersey, and spending a few hundred million pounds on players is sound compared to where we’ve been in those respects over the past few decades. Obviously the team is a bit shit as Everton just can’t have everything can they?



So onto Manchester City who up to a few years ago we’d rub up the wrong way by pointing out them being big money tramps and not being able to better Everton. Right until the point they started winning titles and twatting pretty much everyone else in the league. There was a resentment perhaps when they first won the footballing lottery but fair fucks to them they’ve a bunch of strongly local fans who suffered for absolute beards, so I hope they’re enjoying every moment of it. We’ve got our own bus to catch, even if goes the longer way around then any Sunday Fareway service in 1989.

I personally owe Man City a debt of gratitude I’m not sure we can ever pay for them coming from the dead to take the title from Brenny’s Bus Greeters in 2014, including that mad game where you wanted Everton to get beat but didn’t want to admit it. Get to fuck with your virtues if you didn’t, can you imagine if galactic red  got their hands on the thing they covet most?



So it’s this point where I’d usually go into the differences between scousers and mancs, unfairly referencing scruffy children, cringey adult behaviour, an all round lack of IQ and a kingdom of nits. Nor will you find me sneering at a dull city with inferiority complex over a river delta taking first dibs on riches. There’s absolutely tonnes of sound Man City fans out there and I’m saving myself instead for next week’s cheap goading of the “dead scouse kopite AHAHAHA your heads falling off yano” crew. The same weirdos that poor City have to endure greeting their team bus like a jarg Galatasaray a few days after this fixture. Conclusive proof that there are two sides to Merseyside, which I hope they note this weekend as their team bus will glide effortlessly down the East Lancs, through Gwladys Street and onto City Road past a load of us nursing al fresco pints with maybe only the occasional flicking of two fingers, as it should be. I don’t think City are shitting the famissyurapeennites “woolcome to hell” posse later on in the week but it’s going to be yet more essential kopite A.D.D. behaviour.

Anyway I hope Everton are up for this with a tanked up early evening crowd urging them on. And if not then I hope City go gentle on us, but I fear the reality will be them treating us as delicately as Darron Gibson playing early morning skittles with your neighbourhood cars.



Here’s some of their players:

Aguero – tremendous little goal slotting sex ewok.

Jesus – saves, Tosun with the rebound.

Sterling – if big red hate the player then I for one am fond of him.

Sane – fucking hell the pace on this fucking team.

De Bruyne – whilst he may appear like an untrustable hamster, throw him on a footie pitch and wow.



Silva – doesn’t suit a skinhead but will playmake the living shite out of our defence, probably.

Gundogan – looks like your favourite Bodrum barman who’s stealthily spiking your brandy to get a go at your bird who’s in turn lapping up his shit innuendos. Still, we go back every night.

Delph – no that doesn’t quite fit.

Kompany – he of the Mars Attacks head and exploding spaghetti ligaments but boy can defend some.

Walker – £60m for a full back is a world I don’t want to live in, hurt him.

Ederson – neck tattoo, hurt him.

Enough of City, let’s do the Everton thing.



Tosun – we’ve been hurt before like this by the Croatian, the sex though, the sex is just divine. Worry about him cheating on us when it happens. It’s probable that he will be flanked by Walcott and Bolasie who rather pleasantly both can cross a ball, from time to time.

Not sure who’ll play in the middle, did Gueye get injured when on international stuff? Rooney will be in there but I don’t want to see him as any sort of defensive shield against this City team. If you’re fuming at Tom Davies then fuck off. Who else? Suppose we will find out. Or maybe Allardyce will lash 5 at the back. Fuck knows, as if I can be arsed with formations and tactics.

That Jagielka is our best central defender in 2018 is a condemnation of our transfer policy. You got to go with what you know though and that will likely include Keane, Coleman and Baines. And although Pickford looks a bit like someone robbing Sally Gunnell’s Lucozade he is the best keeper we’ve had in years.



Best get these 2 out of the way then we can start looking for obscure signals of hope for the following season. One of which would definitely be a snarling Everton team monstering a fantastic champions elect City team all over our own patch.

Do that and, well, we can see what comes next. Into them blues.


  • Paddy the Fork  31/03/2018 at 08:42

    Aguero – tremendous little goal slotting sex ewok. hahaha 🙂 Excellent article there.

  • Simon  31/03/2018 at 10:28

    Very amusing piece! Well done!

  • Sergio  31/03/2018 at 13:59


    Apologies for the trespass, but I am a City fan and I came across this on Twitter…

    Any such blog is always going to reference the differences between our 2 cities but I love reading this today. We all live up to the stereotypes far more than we would like to admit but I always found that apart from your ridiculous accent, there was always far more that we had in common than what separated us as cities and people.

    Confession time – I always had a soft spot for Everton. Yes, I know all about your glorious past – we have one too you know! – but there was a time from the 90’s onwards when we both had a red neighbour who was having a better time of it than we were and as such, I always had an empathy for Everton. Apart from when we played each other of course. Then there was the steady stream of players that we seemed to share for years, my memory going back to Paul Power.

    But what I loved about this blog was that it occurred to me that whilst I know that City are the face of Manchester that should be shown to the world, Everton are the acceptable and agreeable face of Liverpool, something that had not occurred to me until today. Thinking of such, I honestly can’t think of an Evertonian whom I have met and didn’t like – the same couldn’t be said about your neighbours.

    As much as all of this might be true, I hate wankers who have a pre match love in. It is unnecessary and artificial so please rest assured that I hope we stuff you today. And you are totally wrong about the best footballer in our squad, the man with a wand of a left foot… Ederson is much more than a tattoo. Love you all! X


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