You might as well stick a fork in it, because it’s done. A season that – taking you back to last summer – heralded more optimism amongst us than there had been for quite some time.
The consistency of Everton to throw curve balls of crushing disappointment continued however, and that repetition of underwhelming is developing into somewhat of a tradition as the clock ticks on season 23 since you or I could celebrate an Everton captain lifting something shiny and valid over their head. To be frank that’s a fucking disgrace.
So with Premier League status for next season confirmed, no chance of finishing 7th, and the Merseyside derby out the way there’s just an ambling towards the final game in May. That there’s an absence of relegation anxiety is surprising for some and we have had some slices of luck along the way. What’s imperative is that this shit isn’t repeated any time soon, indeed that we are now deep into the third year of Moshiri’s Everton thingio that we start to see some sort of tangible, sustainable success on the field.
So it’s with this anticipation that a lot of chatter this week has been trying to second guess who will be our next Manager as I highly doubt the board are going to back Allardyce for that considering the hostility towards him from a large majority of the fanbase. Previously both Martinez and Koeman were swiftly volleyed out when a similar encompassing distaste enveloped general Evertonian opinion. A personal anxiety of mine is us lot becoming like some of the bells out there where the fans become the tail wagging the dog in major club decisions, so it’s with some welcome assurance that I see a lot of you wanting to make a long term appointment next (isn’t that the goal of most appointments though?) and the urging of patience when the new man is appointed. Success and progression towards it is never ever a straight line.
I’ve got little idea who I would like as next Manager but the appointing of such a crucial, senior role in any business would warrant a consultation period to identify the key attributes required for targeted success in the role. Thinking of those attributes my desire would be:
• Not a bell
• Speak normal stuff to the press
• Make the players snap the fuck into tackles
• Natural aversion to the shite
• Give a fuck about the young lids coming through
• Identify with the club and all that shit that’s important to us
• A hint of volatility
• No wacky clothing choices on the sidelines
• Proven history of signing good players who got better
• Demonstration of playing more than 1 style
• Abhors Brexit behaviour
• Prior success in a competitive league
I’ll defer to you Eurotogger enthusiasts as to who may be able to match that profile. As a general rule of most competitive markets you have to have to pay big to deliver talent. We won’t attract Conte, but our fascination with Portuguese managers has to be put into context by way of that armband wearing bell you all craved hard a couple of years ago is now managing in China. Tails wagging all over the show.
It’s with that spirit of disappointment from this season and prevention of recurrence that many of our fans are wanting to know Everton’s immediate agenda, for recruitment and strategy. Like fuck you’ll get a sniff of it until it happens but I’ll share with you my agenda for the remainder of the season which is nothing more than a few half arsed snide previews about the geordie biffs, Soton nuggets and West Ham scrotes, that’s all I got left.
Sadly Swansea invokes ambivalence in me which makes it always that much harder to write any sort of preview worth reading. Plus I happen to like South Wales and it’s glorious collection of flawed yet sincere fun loving farmhands. Truth is they’re a bit cute in current Premier League terms and tolerable when compared to their peers.
They’re currently working through a boom bust cycle on an annual basis that thus far is keeping them up. They do have a Portuguese Manager in Carlos Carvalhal and they’re dead into him as being their saviour and hope for the future. Just as they were exactly into Paul Clement this time last year, and Francesco Guidolin the season before that, and not forgetting Garry Monk the year before that. They’re caught in that vortex of toxicity that the likes of Sunderland, Aston Villa and others were before them. Getting a foothold in the billionaires playground of the Premier League is tough going indeed. Building something sustainable on top of that is a twat of a job without ridiculous resources, industry leading strategy or large slices of luck.
There’s a certain hyperbole around those truly engaged in product Premier League often as the expense of context. Consequently winning runs get elevated into unstoppable marches to glory in the minds of the followers and losing runs become very anxious indeed – as we found out earlier in the season. Of course the press are very happy to add their own narration to this as those polarised, expressive emotions are absolute gold in the world of clicking stuff and providing relevance or advertising revenue.
I can’t help but feel that the strategy of a calm header and solid strategy amongst all of this would reap dividends to a club like Swansea. A mini Moyes era (the old Moyes, not the current one) for them would do them the world of good. We will see who is keeping them afloat against us next season but I won’t shed too many tears when it does fall through as they christened themselves “Swanselona” not so long ago for playing some possession football and to be quite frank, dear reader, karma should absolutely twat them for it. Maybe I’ll settle as us effortlessly taking Sigurdsson off them as penance.
If you’ve been to South Wales you’ll be familiar with the general feel around the place and people which is amicable chaos for the most part. Millennia of proud Welsh history has evolved its people into regular partakings of irrational behaviour to counter the inherent dullness of dwelling in a land that pisses the fuck down incessantly and is relatively isolated from anything worth travelling to around them, and include Bristol in that too the dull cider quaffing simple fucks.
So your average South Walean is keen to drink their own body weight on weekends and then answer the call of their DNA to try and mate with each other, often inappropriately. Without these instincts there’s little chance any humanity would remain in South Wales nor indeed that just under 3 million compatriots would exist today. David Attenborough should narrate this shite as it would pass Biology A-Levels easy. To witness the Welsh person imbibing the national drink of Wales – (Strong)bow and black(currant), hitting on their neighbours wife, getting into a massive fight and crying their way over a mixed kebab is quite the spectacle. It has long been my belief that South Wales is the longest running soap opera in the world.
Despite all this there’s much to like about them – as a scouser – and their many flaws. They’re working class, loyal as they come and generous in love and humour. The male earrings have to fucking go though. The valley people are excluded from this too as they’re genuine products of Chernobyl.
I only meant to write a few words so going to skip their player snide comments/lookalikes and I don’t know who plays for them now either to be honest.
A radical idea for Everton to combat the searing antipathy would be to use the remainder of the games to try some different shit, be it players, formations, passing the ball in a pleasing manner, running into space for each other, to generate interest and provide needed optimism for next season. That means the young lads and fringe players should get a wee bit of preference to come in and show what they can do, or to indeed show they can’t do it and are ripe for selling in the summer. You’ve all got your favourites so I’ll leave it to you.
The strangely alluring Tosun should be part of those remaining plans as I can’t see us scoring too many goals otherwise. Let it be known I like Calvert-Lewin and think there’s a player in there but that miss at the end of the derby is going to take some time to get over. I felt for our man Bolasie – the mad bastard – as he’s a sort of luxury player reliant on confidence and he played absolute dog in the derby, getting instant feedback for all the stuff he was trying that never came off. How any new Manager views our £27m hot and mostly cold winger is going to be interesting viewing come summer. Walcott is sound but why it took him so long to realise Klaven was all his if he wanted it was somewhat frustrating/Everton.
I reckon it’s a good idea to cut back on the shit towards Tom Davies too, if you permit me. That incessant scrutiny on local lads we’ve been doing hasn’t yielded dividends once. Davies has got some distance to go before he will be a success but if you can’t see the player in there or his worth to the team then we’re on different planets, you and I.
Another interesting sub plot to any new Manager will be the Rooney thing. He will end the season as our top goalscorer so write him off as a failure would be trite. His value however is against lesser teams on home ground and with a system around him that is honed towards him and his game. Is the pay off worth that focus though? I don’t know. He can’t play up front, attacking midfielder or out wide, so it’s a central midfield role but one that often gets overan too easy. Maybe he will find Spinning classes again this summer and kick on, or maybe it’s the end of a glorious career in English football. Swerving the easy platitudes though for only a fraction of that career being with us. Gueye can stick about though. The irony of Schneiderlin being a rare one to show bollocks in the derby isn’t lost on me either after all thrown his way.
Keane can play well but major priority for summer is to find someone to play alongside him, to see if he can sustain any consistency over a season at Everton. That Jagielka is still our most important defender is dead mad. And testament to what a shitty transfer policy we’ve had in recent years. Phil deserves a lot of plaudits his way before he does move aside though, he’s been a tremendous Everton signing and servant and no mistake. Same for Baines, and in the none too distant future we will be saying similar about Coleman. Who we getting excited about in that future though? Exactly. Pickford will be in goal and I hope to fuck we can put something resembling a decent defence in front of him next season as he’s a sound keeper him and others will come sniffing.
Anyway went on way too much, and way too heavy this week. Fuck off Everton.