Everton v Newcastle Preview

It’s a grim state of affairs, this particular purgatory that Everton find themselves in.

One end of the scale you may call it comfortably numb. On the other end of the scale; complete abject apathy and disconnect with the club.

Is it really that bad?



As if I’ve got any sorts of answer to that. I do reckon twitter is going a bit overboard, but then that’s twitter. I do want a change of Everton Manager in the summer but I’m a passenger on all this considering absolutely no one in power at Everton even knows my existence.

I’ll still watch the games no matter what happens, but I’d like very much to watch games and enjoy them again. Maybe even get excited about what’s cooking at my favourite weekend obsession. Anticipate games during the week; you know, all that mad stuff we’ve forgot to do.



The Swansea game was a drab affair and completely expected. Everton were maybe fortunate to come away with a point in an end of season away fixture at the Liberty stadium that the hosts wanted more than us. Hang on wasn’t that the same almost exactly a year ago? Progress is nothing but a perception when it comes to St Domingo’s occasional finest.

There’s less riding on this next fixture as Newcastle come to Goodison Park safe from relegation. Considering the turmoil and lack of funds up there in McJames’ Park that’s quite some achievement for Benitez. It gives Newcastle a chance to stabilise themselves in the top flight and try to nail down a new owner to give them a chance of sustainability. It’s mighty difficult for clubs like Newcastle to get a run of seasons together as one season’s wrong recruitment of Manager or players is all it takes to send them back down to familiar territories.



That great footballing Karma in the sky piped down Newcastle recently with returning them to their natural order of irrelevant yo-yo club. It was needed to snap them back into their senses as only some fat kid salty tears on a final day can bring. Being the charitable type I found myself willing to forget about Newcastle’s crimes against football in the past but I’m not quite over them trying to position themselves as everyone’s favourite second-second team after Liverpool and thinking they have a close bond with the great European ban specialists. Not only that but they tried looking down their nose at Everton after a couple of second place finishes, not forgetting their weird obsession with attendance as a measure of club stature. So no really, they can get to fuck.

Obviously they’re one win here from going above Everton and I have no doubt they would use that prompt to go off on their delusions of grandeur again. It’s a chronic condition they have, the same as being prone to “soccer bantz” the needy desperate fucks.

For Newcastle being close yet so far is a current theme. It’s been a trend in their nearly achievements every now and then, and also so close to being Scottish yet so tragically far. I feel if infused with some Caledonian blood it may take the edge off a city desperate to show they’re English and similarly desperate to show how wacky and amicable they are. This extends to the football where the removal of shoes was considered an adequate demonstration of affection for their club. A club with fans that travel to the last away game of the season in fancy dress as a “tradition”. A club where having a bit of a shit riot and jawing a horse is fair game.



Newcastle is a hothouse of terraced row bigots with fading shite tattoos and a tolerance of male earrings. It’s like what Ellesmere Port aspires to be when it grows up.

The day we stop calling out the likes of Newcastle for what they are is the day Everton has died. Away from the Football the geordies are sound, agreed, but one touch of black and white cloth on future diabetic figures is all it takes to turn them into a Lad Bible Republic. So fuck them Everton, and fuck them in the most snidey manner possible on that green, green grass of Goodison. The Guinea pig sounding shit bridge adoring piss drinking jarg jock goblins.

Benitez is a twat but Allardyce and others have demeaned our own manager position to the point where I can’t sneer too much at others, unless they’re citing dry grass (a week after snowstorms) for spewing 2 goals to an already relegated team. Imagine that? How many kopites did you see call it out as weird though?



Some of Newcastle’s players:

Shelvey – one stealth contoured face long passing shitehawk that.

Shelvey – England lusting midfield shitgibbon with a personality as deep as a The Fast And The Furious plot.

Shelvey – wearing #marbs vest inside his luxury apartment, central heating rammed up the max, listening to Pete Tong’s orchestra album reaching euphoria. Never had a gary.

Shelvey – the very embodiment of twatculture, the edgy little centre circle bothering fuckmonkey.

Shelvey – shitting myself laughing at him thinking he was Gerrard’s heir after lashing in a a few long rangers for Charlton and playing 40 yard lobs to the flank to players in acres.

Shelvey – hurt him please. Make Schneiderlin captain for 5 years if he nails him.



Apart from that in all honestly I don’t mind Newcastle. Great sense of humour. Apart from when Ant McPartland is ram raiding your family hatchback stinking of Hooch, but blaming his citalopram.

So Everton then, the wee shit bastards. There’s a really big urging for some excitement, any excitement, to carry through to next season. Tosun’s goal flurry fucked off pronto but this is the exact kind of game he should be targeting for notches. In fact you know what? We could go through who I reckon may play but really no one gives a fuck. Just play some young lads, or players that have some faint promise of getting better next season. Hope is a precious commodity to trade with a disenchanted crowd right now.

That wraps that up and maybe like you I can’t wait until it’s summer and the whole club can attempt to press reset on loads of stuff that’s clearly not functioning as it should. There’s been much worse times without doubt, but I struggle to think about many more irritatingly frustrating times.



Sack your surveys, just sort shit out. If you can’t gauge fan feeling or see the shit that needs fixing then roll up your drawbridge, we truly are fucked.

A 23 year itch can’t be placated through token gestures. Everton aren’t we? Not Newcastle.

One Comment

  • Curtis  23/04/2018 at 12:42

    this article is hotter than rafa’s pies
    no wonder he loves newcastle like
    if only ameobi was still around


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