I think it was good to have Everton back.
Maybe my blood pressure would maybe disagree there but there’s pills for that. Obviously it was just one game and it would absolutely ludicrous to draw extensive conclusions from that.
Read on for 84 things we learned from Wolves v Everton and extensive analysis of how our season is going to turn out now we’ve seen Marco Silva’s team play.
So much has fucking happened in just a week. Everton signed loads of players who may or may not make an impact on the season’s fortunes. Jagielka got sent off, Richarlison didn’t lie down. Kopite car texting autograph hunting smear gate. Usmanov teased Everton. And that’s just week 1, leading into Gameday 2. The point I’m trying to make here is that someone genuinely called last week Gameday 1 to me in person and it’s clear that anyone using Gamedays to denote any sort of English league fixture is one monster truck loving, Gola wearing shithead.
It was weird to not watch Everton fall to pieces when their captain got sent off in the first half away from home. In fact you’d be hard pushed to tell who was the team with 10 men and there’s no doubt that if we’d maintained the 11 then the game would have yielded 3 points against a current media beau, in Wolves.
It’s not really been commented on either but to play on so well for 50 minutes with the numerical disadvantage also needed fitness levels. A common theme from the players commenting on their pre season has been how hard they’ve been pushed, maybe this one point was its first dividend.
I welcome debate as part of mutual earning on twitter, but I can’t even begin to understand people who claim that Jagielka challenge was anything approaching a straight red card. There’s no point in debating that level of crank, even if Everton failing to contest the decision and sucking up Phil’s absence for 3 games may be reason to celebrate amongst some of you. Me. Not that I want to see him Ratcliffed out of the club, he’s been sound and we won’t be finding his quality, consistency and longevity any time soon in royal blue. But Holgate now please, and if Keane doesn’t stop imitating a concussed East African giraffe in high savannah winds then the man they named Happy or that Colombian biff who apparently can’t run and won’t be suited to our high line instead, please.
Since the Usmanov thing has reared its head it would be remiss not to add absolutely fuck all to that particular topic from my well kept seat on the fence. Your relation with Everton, your hopes and dreams, your code of ethics will all influence your stance and I’m absolutely no one to disagree with it. Even if I might. But there’s got to be more than this Premier League flotsam existence I reckon, or maybe I’m just having a mid table crisis.
Which leads us not all onto the visit of Southampton this weekend, challenging our weekend mood and bevvying ambitions in coming to Goodison and looking to get their season going, after a drab home draw v Burnley.
There’s no easy way of putting this but Southampton, sadly, are followed by lad bible banter scruffs in high concentration for their away following. Those of you sat to the right in the Park End are in for a real tweet as various ruddy faced twenty somethings, kitted in Jacamo and snide CP Company, are up for 90 mins of cringey goad while safely surrounded by fat irritated stewards and Merseyside Police. I have been hoping for some time they’d change and the reasonable ones in their crowd would sort out these irritants, but alas their fanbase has long gone past the inflection point and Soton are destined to be mocked cruelly when they eventually slip outside the top division again, as their history testifies.
Maybe that’s a lack of empathy on my part, as how would i feel if I was born and brought up in Southampton? Would I be angry at being born in a nondescript civic town devoid of absolutely any charisma or charm? May I be frustrated that nothing ever fucking happens in the place I dwell? Could I be embarrassed that the only ambition in my life is to blag a mortgage company into lending me enough to live on the marina and use it to lure an equally tragic girl or boy to hook up with me and share this most mundane of existences until fate pulls us apart?
Considering all of them it maybe right to conclude that I wish for nothing more than some rogue, undetected-by-NASA asteroid to penetrate our planet’s atmosphere and smash right in the middle of St Mary’s stadium, packed to the rafters that day, playing a charity match containing a Top Gear Tribute XI against UKIP Old Boys. The accompanying shock wave being sufficient to wipe flatten and radiate the entirety of Southampton so that it can be cordoned off and – over time- forgotten.
Maybe you too will empathise with me after spending just a number of minutes observing their away fan embarrassment this weekend, or any time further in the future. I welcome your company.
Since there’s not much likelihood of this most holy of all asteroids twatting Southampton before Saturday then we will have to proceed and entertain who may or may not play against Everton:
Ings – when the player imitates the crowd perfectly you will find Ings and Southampton. No wonder he’s already lashing platitudes around about the place, he is the fucking place. Good God, hit him, and hit him early.
Austin – his wife, in a moment of great aplomb, made me look a twat on twitter once so I pay my dues to them as a couple, even if I did feel let down by Charlie when it was *allegedly* revealed on twitter what a massive love rat he’d been. You’re too good for him girl. Drop those aspirations from the marina to the bedsit and we can make each other happy.
Gabbiadini – this is the story of Gabbiadini. This is the story of Jelavic. (will be impressed if anyone gets the reference there)
Romeu – I can’t work out if he belongs on a footballer pitch, or in plasticine form up to mischief on Tony Hart’s desk?
Vestergaard – he’d put me on edge if he entered a bank wearing the mask of a former US President, put it that way (another reference, but easier)
Who else plays for them? No, I don’t care either. For such a lamentable lot they’re aptly managed by Mark Hughes – he of the Brexit barnet – who made the fatal mistake of sneering at Everton when he thought he was soccer’s hottest thing managing Man City post windfall. I’d like to think that each failure since then has invoked karma to turn his chin 1 degree inward and when he retires it will be touching firmly his nose. Anyway get to fuck, and hit him early on the touchline too.
Apart from that I’ve come across a few sound Southampton fans online and genuinely wish them well for the season. But let’s chat Everton.
Probably going to play the team that started the second half isn’t he? But with Sigurdsson reinstated just behind the striker. There’s a load of eyes on Tosun and his mobility at the moment because of how Silva wants to play and he wasn’t too bad at Wolves but hopefully all these talented wee bastards we’re putting around him will allow us to push further and support him. There’s nothing what I can write about Richarlison that you haven’t already swooned over, his challenge is to sustain some form and impact over the course of a season and the likes of Merson and co will look further twats. Walcott will probably get another shot, they’ve all got competition up top this season so I’m a bit more confident we will find at least 2 of them that function and make us decent to watch – in complete contrast to last season.
That’ll mean Sigurdsson, Gueye and Schneiderlin in the middle and I don’t reckon this will be what Silva settles on but hey ho I’ll comment on what I see instead of what I fear for the time being. Holgate stepped in really well so imagine he will stay with Keane at centre half as I mused above, except it’s only fair to say Keane played really well so it’s his place to lose. Baines performed too so he will operate out there to the close up glances of Digne on the bench, Coleman on the other wing. Pickford in goal.
This being the first home game of another season means you’ll hopefully reunite yourself with the familiar, comforting things you might have missed from a match day experience. Then there’s the football and it would be an achievement within itself to get that to being comforting after what a lot of you sat through last season. Too many words have been wrote above to go into the crowd gets the players going v the players get crowd going debate, but I sense an eager fanbase desperate to see some snap in the tackles and attacking intent. Right until Ings round Pickford for his second and celebrates smugly in front of the Gwladys Street.
Tell you what though, I’d love Everton to win something soon. If Usmanov or anyone else wants to help that happen then I’m in, count me in.