Bournemouth v Everton Preview

A trip down south is next for the act-casual-about-slight-improvement-lest-you-jinx-it early season Everton juggernaut.

This game being a precursor for 2 winnable home games is too tasty a morsel to fuck up, we’d hope. Not that anyone is looking too far ahead as it’s been most enjoyable to enjoy this new version of Everton on a game to game basis, relatively free from the opposing foes of trepidation and ambition.



For all intents and purposes that qualifies it as a sort of Everton mindfulness, instead of focusing our attention on the breathing we give our full focus to the high press. In that moment of stillness we are momentarily free from the various afflictions attained through prolonged Everton. Admittedly the involuntary twitch when we fail to block a cross or Keane lets the ball bounce may take something stronger than finding GoodiZen to completely eradicate.

Mercifully it’ a short preview today as I’ve got somewhere to be and time has checkmated me, helped enormously by my procrastinating over penning a few words that no one fucking reads anyway.



The Southampton game was enjoyable because it was evident that this latest Everton are going to chase after the ball when they haven’t got it, and that small point alone will make them infinitely more watchable than your recent experiences of them. All of this of course could be a by-product of a the ‘new manager bounce’ affect and therefore it’s folly to read too much into things this early.

One thing that is enjoyable is the patience in the fans and crowd. For a number of years we’ve had polarised fanbase, I can trace this back to Moyes leaving and the almost X-Factor competition between Martinez and that Portuguese hank who wore an armband on the touchline. And thus since. But the truly great thing about having Allardyce belching out annoyances on and off field every week is that we all mutually reached a low point that has weirdly reunited Evertonians for the time being, and this is a rare advantage for the whole new management team.



Onto Bournemouth and there’s no much that can be said about them other than they’re alright in this league and I hope they stick around for a bit. They’re well drilled by blue nose Manager Eddie Howe, they place a value in team over individuals and have more than a wee bit of admirable snide about them. To my knowledge they haven’t sang “Feed the scousers” yet either which is a slight surprise since they’re sat comfortably in the Tory-belt all the way down there.

If you imagine Ormskirk, but multiply it by six or seven, and give it the ability to grow sub tropical palm trees then you basically have Bournemouth. There’s a comfortableness and non threatening air to the place which I suppose makes it pleasant to dwell. The type of place where if you order a Stone Island jacket then you’re elevated instantly to second cock of the year. The type of place where if you get a ladyfolk pregnant then she is instantly entitled to buying her a 4X4 she can barely control for the school run. The type of place where children still play conkers in September, where you step in fox shit instead of mastiff shite, where you smell pine trees in the air instead of triple strength skunk, where there’s Uber not Delta, where Everton should absolutely terror the opposition off their own park but will instead slip to an insipid 2 goal defeat. Ah, Bournemouth.



Here’s some of the players the everyones fave wee shaved Ewok – Eddie Howe – may play on Saturday.

Wilson – 2 goals in 2 games including a mazy run last game out v West Ham which was compulsive viewing for Mark Noble doing his best impression of a Ford Capri MKII slowly breaking down in winter 1987.

Fraser – wee irritable winger who is part Scot, part Gamgee.

Gosling – the passing of time should make me remember him fondly but for now, hurt him.

Surman – have you ever noticed how long his neck is? You will now. Stocky as a shovel.

Ibe – kopites laughing at “having City off for Sterling when we’ve got Ibe” is one of my favourite chapters in the big red weird book.

Ake – really good defender, surprised another club  hasn’t lashed a truckful of money at him.

So yeah, Bournemouth really.



It’s pleasant in previews to enjoy writing the Everton bit, and even more so considering that there’s something resembling competition for places this year which reduces the prospect of calling a player shite every week for half a season because there’s no one to replace him.

Tosun is working his wee Bosphorous arse off running the lines which gives him immunity from Evertonian criticism, he needs a goal though as that’s his job. Richarlison has taken no time to explode into wider blue affections through his goals, work rate and attitude. I’m absolutely dreading the inevitable closing of his account when yer dars are hammering him over a home defeat. Walcott now has competition, if he can fend it off then we have some genuine pace up there.



Sigurdsson received much praise for his game v Soton, he’s now got a clear run at making that position his own, and if he does then we’ll be sound for it. Gueye is looking busier, seemingly edged into that box to box position Silva likes and even our man Morgan was looking like he might give us a game this year, then of course he got injured. In a way that woman falling from the cruise ship perfectly parodied Schneiderlin’s Everton career. Probably a shoe in for Tom Davies to retain his place and none more an opportunity that this for West Derby’s great blonde hope to put down a marker for regular game time. We will see.

Defence was alright which means that Keane and Holgate will probably get another shot there, although that Ings goal conceded was shite, but more attributable to the zonal marking thing. It would appear the six yard box is not a zone Silva is too concerned about. Baines looks almost reinvigorated the Brazilian in front of him doing all sorts of mischief and tracking back, with Digne ready to come in if that changes. On the opposite flank you’ve got the Sligo lad and behind them all there’ll be Pickford who levelled up in the Everton cause by leaving n a wee foot in on Danny Ings last weekend.



And that’s it really, just another game, another opportunity to try enjoying Everton. It’s not an easy re-entry to his state of mind, and to be fair this is definitely our toughest test of the three opponents so far. No point in looking too far ahead though is there?

36 to go.


  • Stu kay  24/08/2018 at 22:03

    Brill mate as per,love it😄😃😂

  • Sniderman  25/08/2018 at 10:29

    Good preview buddy. Don’t get too complacent or you might receive a visit from your friendly neighbourhood Sniderman **slingshots web off Liver building and gets off**


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