Everton v West Ham Preview

Obviously the last thing Everton’s perma-volatile luck needs right with right now is a full Brexit Jamboree XI coming to Goodison on the back of 4 straight defeats to play Partisan Walton’s injury-fucked-set-piece-fearing-hi-tempo-posse.

But Everton’s uneasy sense of luck doesn’t get to influence the Premier League fixture computer and so that’s what this Sunday’s 4 o’clocker is lashing at us. In the famed words of an attractive Dutch duo: “y’all ready for this?”.



That international break can fuck right off. A classic example of an organisation benefitting itself at the expense of the consumer, and whoever – Platini, Blatt, Pele, Trevor Brooking – want absolutely fucking for it. Two fucking friendlies, and of course that Rugrats looking shithead O’Neill managed to fuck our right back up again. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing, but more of that later.

This next segment of the season sees four league and one cup game before yet another international break. Is it my memory failing me but didn’t they used to play them midweek in between league games? Correct me if I’m wrong like, but I’m advocating a full league fixture – call it a Gameday if you really must you tit – boycott until they stop fucking around with league fixtures for international games. If not that then I’ll settle for moaning like a cry arse twat on an internet article that only Russian spam bots will read.

The 15 day hiatus was set up rather frustratingly by a home banker Huddersfield game which turned out not that at all, and left the opening salvo of Silva being an OK but must do better. Very early days yet so I’ll hold my ire until a day hopefully far, far away from here.



So, West Ham. A club who most Evertonians were fond of and not in a give us the easy 3 points pat on the head way, but more an admiration of a local team with parochial support, a proud identity and some rather nice traditions. Then the waters got muddied somewhat. The Gold and Sullivan ballbags turned up, most of them happily done that cross arm gesture while selling out their lovely old ground for an athletics stadium miles away and – most weird of all – James McCarthy put a yellow card at worst tackle in on their best player. I write this with incredulence dear reader and I can’t believe that last point could 180 degree turn an opinion of something I was previously fond of, so I can’t accept it as simple as that. A closer look though reveals something of a problem with a particular profile of their support, rather than all of it.

The older generation of West Ham fans have always been sound by me. Their kids though have turned out with the genetic fucking programming of Barry Fry and Katie Hopkins as parents. Remember those protests against the ownership last season? Study the majority – screwed face, Peaky Blinder capped, William Hills behind the ear, Tory enabling banter loving, salt of the earth projecting 2 celled fucking simpletons with a sense of entitlement grander than a House Of Lords creche.



But how can this be? How can the collective identity of a previously liked fanbase be completely fucked from one generation to the next? You’d have to ask the parents I’m afraid. Maybe they were true eastenders who made a bit of wedge in equity and bought that semi in Essex for young Tommy, Terry and Jack to get ideas way beyond their pampered box-room. Perhaps that borderline middle class guilt pushes them to over compensate in what they consider to be working class rage. The bad fucking jarg Prada shades on their forehead in November cocksplashes.

Pipe the fuck down, we see exactly what you are and we’re pissing ourselves at the express train of karma crushing your very being. Get crying for some more for FIFA Ultimate Team signings to quench that  deep sense of self loathing, you fourth generation chimney sweep ferrets. And as a footnote absolutely no one believes your great uncle used to run with the Krays you irritable bunch of phoney ten-to-two gaited shitbags.

Yer dar was alright though.



Pellegrini was appointed as the new chapter of modern West Ham. His start of 4 games is way too easy to cast conclusions, especially with the fine pedigree the jaundice eyed Chilean Zelda from Terrahawks looking maestro. It may take some time to bed in all them new signings, if ever if last season’s Everton are anything to go by.

Here’s some of their players:

Arnautovic – looks and acts like a cheap stag do in Prague, a decent player though, especially if your centre backs are easily fooled shithouses.

Carroll – that the big dopey rat tailed geordie galoot is still their main saviour gives a taste of a transfer policy that could rival recent Everton’s purchasing clusterfuck.

Yarmolenko – he could have saved us you know. Him with his Rocky IV adversary looks and 30 yard blammos was the Sliding Doors moment for Roberto Martinez and his parallel universe Champions League Everton. Except the Ukrainian is shit, and so are Everton still.



Noble – could a player better represent a fanbase as much as this small man syndromed moody tackle throwing centre circle slug?

Wilshere – actually yes, yes they could. Please, monkeypox NOW.

Rice – young Irish centre back with a set of eyes more polarised than current western politics.

Anyway that’s enough West Ham for now, who despite those minor annoyances are alright by me.

Everton’s injury list is a shitter right now. Silva was very pointed in wanting competition for places for each position so on that basis he’ll be hoping opportunity knocks for a few of the fringe players.



Tosun will start again up front and you sense is only a moody result away from leading an elephant into the room with GOAL stencilled on it’s trunk in neon letters. Depends what you want in your striker, or in Evertonian terms – Marcus Bent or Yakubu? Richarlison’s number 9 sex show for Brazil and DCL’s knack for goals will ask questions of that position maybe in the season to come.

Walcott and Calvert-Lewin seem to be ruled out so it’s hard to look beyond Lookman and Bernard in those positions. Maybe a formation change or leftfield pick, fuck knows really, but here’s the eisel and go paint us something worth looking at.



Is Gueye still injured? Then Schneiderlin, Sigurdsson and probably Thomas Davies. Davies is 20 years old. Considering this, and the age and qualification of the midfield personnel he faces in the Premier League, it is a bit mental to be making final judgements on him. Whether he turns into Everton’s great blonde lodestar in the centre of the pitch is unknown right now, but for fuck sake control your haranguing of him you big crazies. I don’t think he needs to be starting Premier League games either right now, and that’s sound, but he’s needed with the lack of options.There’s a bench and loan system that may benefit him. That’s midfield.

The defence picks itself due to the absences so from left to right Digne, Holgate, Zouma and JJ Kenny should start. Let performances dictate who has got what Everton are looking for. Coleman hasn’t been too smart so this latest setback gives Kenny an opportunity to play in an Everton team that isn’t being rightfully howled at from the 17th minute, or a fat toad on the sidelines telling him to move 20 yards back and tuck in. Pickford will be in goal.



A kind opening fixture list was heralded by most as a platform for Silva to come in and get some early sighters of how he wants his team to play, and I think he’s done that without really taking advantage of the average oppositions gifted. The reality is that you’re only ever 3 games away from a crisis in the Premier League so tanning the arse of a vulnerable West Ham side at Goodison on Sunday would go some way towards pushing some good Everton vibes, but at the same time plunging the opposition into that deep crisis. And we all love a good macabre viewing of someone else other than us being completely fucked, so fucked perhaps that in your frenzy you’ll be seduced by Sam Allardyce guaranteeing your Premier League status.

Don’t you fucking dare Everton.

One Comment

  • Kello  14/09/2018 at 23:02



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