In terms of bi annual necessities it’s right up there with paying road tax, dental check ups or forgoing Saturday pint/whisky sipping to go to that wedding that she’d really fucking stab you for if you tried to cry off. All have plenty of notice and some degree of obligation, with little anticipation.
Maybe I should have started this preview with a defiant, even positive message or statement but it wouldn’t reflect how I feel, and besides I’m just another internet tit hitting some keyboard letters with gusto for a loyal audience of maybe 8 Chinese spambots. The photos are sound for a scroll though.
TLDR: avoid defeat and turn it into a maim-off, with pissboiling so acute that spittle rains from the stands at the referee’s 94th minute whistle. Then, town.
Before you scream “mentality” at me I want to debunk this horseshit, there is little that I as said internet tit can do or say which will influence a professional footballer into winning a Merseyside derby. And little I can do at the game itself, apart from blowpiping invisible darts into their players’ necks, sedating them through my incredible shots from the stands.
“Mentality lad” is the domain of two types of people: titheads in work, and kopites. The too eager vapid trainers who assault your afternoon with fancy PowerPoints, providing only a small motivational kick for those yet to submit to cynicism. Kopites, thinking a wacky banner and song combined with lashing beer over each others heads, can propel their team to next level glory. Then Sergio Ramos comes along and shithouses them into depression, and us to joyous relief.
So looking at this fixture they have better players, are the second best team in the league presently, and they’re at Anfield where we haven’t won for 18 years. I’ll take the draw and maim-off if you don’t mind. But a win, a fucking win, and the week will be sound.
This fixture is a little different this time out though. The pressure is all on Liverpool. They are chasing points in the league hoping to keep pace with the Man City juggernaut, and end nearly a 30 year title hoodoo. Everton are in transition, playing some decent stuff, and not really expecting anything. As free a hit as we’ve ever had at Anfield. The performance anxiety is all on them, and hopefully akin to the scruff passing by the vacant urinal to slope into the cubicle. Well, in the days before people used cubicles for other means – like masking the annoyance of Everton fucking 90 minutes up.
With it being the build up to a derby I’ve enjoyed the various swipes on both sides, I don’t reckon we should lose that shit. It’s a passage of right for any young blue to want to stab their kopite uncles at various family parties through cheap jibes. Nor am I about to delve into MERSEYSIDE, MERSEYSIDE, MERSEYSIDE, nah fuck that. I’d take no greater delight than the whole shitshow sliding out of existence and want to be clear that not all kopites are bellends, but all bellends are kopites.
I think anyone with access to social media will notice some worrying trends from big reds online. In my opinion it’s quite easy to drive a wedge between older reds and the young posse. While the older ones do your head in, losing with absolutely no grace, and offering straighteners to Champions League winning captains, the younger lids are more focused on overcompensation – trying to prove that they “get” Libberpewel – and soliciting as many “AHAHAHAHA yer heads fell off” from others fans for shallow kudos amongst their brethren.
I watch with sheer awe at how they try to demonstrate now not arsed they are, much more less arsed than you, and anyway AHAHAAH NONCE yer heads fell off, 5 times lad. In essence it’s a really big fuck off Big Brother House containing all boss reds trying to be less arsed than each other, where only by slipping into a coma can you be most not arsed and take the big prize. The big prize being a 95 quid brick to drop onto a European of your choice, and a Do Not Disturb sign for any local hotel.
I reckon as Evertonians we’d have a better chance at building closer ties with the Sentinelese, with us dressed as despised ancient war Gods and throwing rocks at their young on first sight.
That apart I don’t hate them. How can I hate them when they’re my beloved mates and family? We’re just different and maybe that’s biological, environmental or just weak satirisation of a load of humans who are largely the same but follow different football teams. Fuck your Glasgow and Super Classicos, nowhere does partisanship quite like our city. I’d still welcome a rogue meteorite direct hit on that big stapler stand after Sunday’s game. Fuck knows there’s no community left living around the stand to be hurt anyway.
Let’s skip past ol’ beagle toothed Deutschertwat and head to some of their players:
Salah – going through a diluted Jelavic spell but still scoring loads of goals, get the fuck after his shoulder, blues.
Mane – the wee fast fuck has a continental shelf for a forehead, if you threw a bucket of plankton at him at least 20 pilot whales would come up to air.
Firmino – get that ferret pushed into the stands and take the yellow. Underrated player though. For balance.
Henderson – gutted the big dopey centre circle slug sits this one out. Fabinho or Keita for a brace.
Fabinho – welcome to Steve Walsh.
Robertson – really good left back, he needs to give me a reason to despise him soon. Like a 30 yarder top bins and two footing the toffee girl mascot in celebration, 93rd minute.
Van Dijk – they can try and project Ron Yeats onto him all they like but the Red Dwarf starring shithead not going to lift any league title soon.
Arnold – what’s the point in having a young talented right back if yer dars are not willing to decimate his fucking confidence, or blame him for FA Cup final losses?
Onto Everton and who may play, and how. My best guess is same team, with only two potential variables being Lookman for someone or 3 at the back, depending on Silva’s thinking.
That will mean Richarlison starting up front and with an opportunity to level up in Evertonian hearts, which means playing better than he did v Cardiff. The wings aren’t really delivering so as mentioned above it’s possible Lookman will start, if not then it’s last chance saloon for Bernard and Walcott before changes will be made.
One man who’s rarely proven he’s not phased at Anfield is Sigurdsson and much will be on him to deny space when Liverpool have the ball and to be economical when play goes through him. Just behind him you’ll find Gueye and our beautiful Gomes. The pair of them have been playing as well an Everton midfield two for quite some time, and while Liverpool’s midfield isn’t their strongest element, the occasion still is and we will be watching with interest to see if they’re made from the stuff we hope.
Supposing no changes then that leaves Digne and Coleman at full back, and would be sound to see an Everton captain really take it to them and the ref for once. Shithousing a red card out of them would be a distinct bonus. Keane and Mina at centre back and they will be tested as – no matter your partisanship – the shite have a really good front 3. Pickford in goal.
And that’s it really, there’s loads of words and bluster before a derby but we’ve heard it all before and still got a chasing. The current Everton thing profess they’re different and not going there in fear and that would be a pleasant change.
So a free hit. Go aim right for that fucking chin blues.
What’s our name?