Burnley v Everton Preview

Crap that wasn’t it?

No not Everton getting completely pasted all over the show by a considerably better Spurs team – but the fact Chico has, for the time being, has taken a break from preview writing.


The lads at EAW have very kindly allowed me to do these while C is on a writing sabbatical.

Couple of things on this. I’m not that funny, I probably won’t do opposition player lookalikes as good and what you will read won’t be a patch on what Chico does. For however long I do these though, they will be Chico inspired and Chico-styled – so expect pictures, plenty of mockery on the opposition, their fans and general shite.

Frankly, I’ve not done nearly enough for this excellent site and it’s time to pull my finger out, so here it goes…

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, was Burnley away. The Walton White Sox travel to face the Lancashire Clarets for a Boxing Day showdown for the ages. Big game this, really feels like we need something to get us going again.

The Tottenham game wasn’t pretty was it? Understatement.

Let’s face it, the two sides are world’s apart. They have a team that has been built over a four year period and are now looking a real force. I watched the game with my Spurs supporting mate and he summed it up perfectly, “You’re us 5 years ago”. Yes, I agree mate, you bellend, but can we just have a Harry Kane come from nowhere please and can Brands find us an Eriksen and an Ali. That Son as well, underrated that fella. Conceding 6 at home though is shocking. Merry Christmas indeed. Sort it Everton.

Onto Burnley then. On the one hand, I like that it’s a traditional Northern town, grounded in history with good citizens inhabiting it with a strong community ethos. On the other, more truer hand, it’s seriously weird. The one and only time I went there was when Hibbert got brought down for a penalty, Saha missed and we got beat 1-0. Peak Moyes. Do you know when you just feel really out of place and uncomfortable? Burnley that. A large part had to do with being considerably better dressed than any of the locals. A quick Google search shows me that Sir Ian McKellen was born there. Gandalf in amongst Middle-Earth, surrounded by hobbits. That’s about right for Burnley.

They’re suffering from Koemanitis. Decent season getting into Europe followed by being in Europe in July ruining your season. They have lost that defensive streak this year by conceding a truck load which has them flirting with relegation. It’s weird, I rate some of their players and no doubt they’ll turn into Barcelona when we play them. Here’s some players who line up for them;

Joe Hart – Comes across as a nice fella Joe, but thankfully we went for the younger mistake-ridden keeper in Pickford

Chris Wood – Walsh apparently wanted him but Koeman knocked it back. Looks like he should be a bouncer for a Burnley nightclub

James Tarkowski – When Big Mick Keane was playing with his feet the wrong way round last season, you all wished we’d of signed this fella instead, but he’s all of a sudden turned into said Mick Keane of 17/18

Stephen Ward – A big galoot who looks like all of Westlife & Boyzone put together

Ashley Barnes – Very decent striker who is worth a tenner for the game’s first goal.

Onto the mighty Blueboys.

We’ve gone one full month and 5 games without a win and Silva is getting his first real groans from the lids who left at half-time. A win here and the talk of top 7 is back on, anything less and it’ll feel like the season could fizzle out a bit, even at this stage. I’ve personally felt that it was always going to come, as we are no-where near the team Silva & Brands want yet. I’ve said from day 1, we’ll have good days and horrible days this season, but we have to be patient. Any manager worth their salt needs at least 3 years and several transfer windows to build something tangible. We need to hang in for the ride and be patient. A good cup run would be nice mind.

I think something needs to be said here. Jordan Pickford, what’s going on mate? Ever since “England’s No1” flashed up on the scoreboard, he’s been costing us. Don’t get me wrong, I love him and i’m made up he’s ours, but he needs to chill the fuck out, calm down and cut these mistakes out.

I can get onboard with the DCL up top experiment for a few games but it’s really a department that needs sorting. Hopefully Richarlison can find the golden touch again up there. I imagine Bernard gets a go with Walcott rested, Christmas period and that.

Gomes and Gana could be sidelined through injury, so we could see Schneiderlin return after his sub appearance against Spurs. Can’t see him going for Davies again so Siggy may drop deeper, but again, who knows?

Mina comes back in and so he should when your defence ships 6. Full-backs as usual.

So there we go. I hope you enjoyed this preview attempt. On behalf of all the lads at EAW, i’d like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. All the best everyone, have a mulled wine on me.

Up the Toffees.

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