Grim January isn’t it? Especially this exact point in January. You can well and truly see Christmas in the rear view mirror. You’ve had 5 or 6 weeks without a payday, the nights are still dark at half 3 and its fucking freezing.
Bit of a downbeat way to start a preview that. I apologise, but Everton are a bit January at times. It’s those moments when we are a June or July that we savour – what the fuck are you on about lad?
Back to back wins have lifted spirits in this gloomy month and with some very winnable games on the horizon, Evertonians could be forgiven for feeling positive and forecasting an upturn in fortunes.
To the South-Coast it is then where the Kirkdale Kobra’s take on the Hampshire Red Mings. I should state early doors that I can’t stand Southampton. Do you have a team that for some reason, you cannot stand? Shelbyville are of course the worst, but these for me are second in line. Have you been to Southampton? It is as inspirational as a shite that won’t flush. There’s nothing there other than destitute land filled with concrete, brown, grey and more concrete.
They’re minty fans have sung every version there is of a Sloop John B chant. Mix that in with “Oh when the Saints” every 10 minutes. They will banter the life out of the away end tomorrow with every Tory chant going – “we pay your benefits”, “Sign On” and I wouldn’t be surprised with them, even in mid-January, if they throw in a “Feed the Scousers”
They got knocked out of the FA Cup by Derby on penalties the other night. Good. They got rid of one fat head manager in Mark Hughes and replaced him with another; Ralph Hasenhuttl is his name – imagine Bradley Walsh on The Chase with curtains. That’s your man Ralph.
They have picked up slightly, including a morale boosting home win against Arsenal recently, but they are still looking over their shoulder at the relegations places. Hurt them Everton and make them feel the fear.
Here are some no-marks who play for ‘Saints’;
Shane Long – A David Moyes wet-dream of a striker. Runs all day, hardly ever scores. Get your cash on him for the game’s first goal.
Oriol Romeu – Appears to be incredibly decent in some games and bang average in others. Get your cash on him for the game’s first goal.
Stuart Armstrong – His hair is fine, he scores belters all the time, thats why we sing this song, for Stuart Armstrong.
Nathan Redmond – Quick little Raheem Sterling-lite winger who could cause us problems. Digne will sort him out anyway.
James Ward-Prowse – That your name mate yeh? Grow up. You’re not the head of the Conservative Party Youth Movement.
Onto the Toffees.
Nice little win that last time out against Bournemouth. Good to see the crowd looking a bit more up for it. I’ve been banging on a bit about atmosphere in the last couple of previews. I’m not egotistical enough to think thousands of Gwladys St lids read these previews and therefore made an atmosphere out of the game, but it was nice to see an angry Goodison berate a awful refereeing performance and get behind the players.
Two nice little goals too. Made up for my man Kurt Zouma there. Throw all the money at Chelsea for him because he’s a very capable defender. Calvert-Lewin as well, good week for that lad, lovely little side-foot finish and then scooping the England U21 Player of the Year Award. Maybe there is a player there, time will tell.
Bernard was finally starting to show what he can do and put in a great shift last week. How good was Ademola Lookman? Looks every bit the fresh, young, skillful player we’ve been crying out for. He surely needs to start again and also get a run of games because what a talent he could be with some consistency. They should both get the nod, which will mean Theo Walcott taking a seat on the bench against his former club. Might have to settle for being an impact player for now Theo.
Silva talked in the media about not having a problem leaving Richarlison as a striker for the time being. He hasn’t scored since Boxing Day, but he works so hard up there and is undoubtably an outstanding player in the making. He’ll get goals in his career and even if Southampton isn’t the game for him, you know they will come in time.
Sexy Gomes and Gana to play midfield again. Gomes is still searching for that top-level performance he graced us with during his first few games but he is still head & shoulders our most technically gifted player. Idrissa, where be you at the end of this window? You’ve all heard the PSG rumours, but for what it’s worth, he’d be a big miss if he left.
I imagine he keeps the same back five for this after a clean sheet. Nice to see us defend a bit better last time, let’s get another one eh?
There we have it. Beat these Everton. Got a garbage record at this place and I honestly can’t be arsed getting beat by this bunch of Banterous Biffs again. Carry on the mini-run Blues.
Up the Toffees