Hey, how you doing?
A two week break on the back of a really positive win against Chelsea at home is perhaps just what the doctor ordered. There is now an important moment where we see if Everton have turned a bit of a corner or if they lapse back to the same inconsistent sludge that’s damned another season. If not anything else it’s a welcome distraction from politics.
Anyway, look at your imaginary TV for a moment….
the camera starts at the wheel of a skateboard
As the camera pans up – and the wider urban scene is revealed – you notice royal blue socks (and the first pangs of rage start hitting the lizard part of your father’s hippocampus) – then into view comes the Everton badge on the shorts, camera continues to a royal blue shirt with what looks to be yellow stars in a circular pattern around the badge – and Oh Em Gee they’ve reverted back to the 2013.14 badge – as the camera continues further past a captain’s armband and blonde curly hair pulled back into pigtails – Tom Davies’ head comes into view fully focused on the skateboard journey ahead. Camera pans slightly and you see the Welcome To Liverpool sign – Davies smiles and winks at the camera – as he rolls into the boundaries of Liverpool touching the sign (HE’S NOT IN FUCKING ANFIELD yells yer dar) as West Derby’s finest visibly beams as he enters – doing a treble olly and then turning to the camera to pat the special EU flag edition home kit over the badge.
“Everton 2019/20 new home kit. Remain staunch #remainstaunch” flashes across the screen.
Kit is on sale the next day, and by 3pm the first reports of them running out of kid’s socks hit twitter. Followed by someone on holiday in Italy taking a photo of the local second division’s kit launch with an exact same Umbro kit, except for badge and sponsor.
Of course it’s not normal to spend your time fantasising about the things you want to happen to enrage your fellow supporters, but then Everton isn’t a normal fanbase, we’re a shared masochism.
Twitter is the accelerant of Evertonian rage, it’s what makes it such compulsive viewing. There’s a whole smorgasbord of Everton opinion – the vast majority of it is very reasonable, and moderate. I ran a wee poll in the white hot fire of the Everton extended deal with Umbro and with hundreds of opinion sampled it turns out that less than 1 in 5 are duly concerned about the financial or image element of the new kit deal. My timeline however was awash with Evertonians commenting about Evertonians fuming about this new kit deal extension.
It was fair to deduct from this poll that many more were vastly more concerned if the flimsy zip design would be improved on next year’s training shorts, but twitter wouldn’t have mushroomed as the defacto human place for opinion if the focus on on the mundane banality of everyday life. You get the sort of point, even I’m not sure I do, but writing sometimes be that way.
So it’s a visit to the London Stadium to play Brexit’s West Ham, a fixture that beautifully was to be played on the first day of the UK’s new life outside of the EU. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is entirely up to you, mate. Anyway, a combo of the Tories and Parliament then managed to “Everton” the whole Brexit thing so answering “will everything be alright?” is as difficult for Brexit as it is for Moshiri’s Everton.
I’m really disappointed in West Ham of late and it’s a shame as I was fond of them and what they should for, prior to James McCarthy throwing a moody tackle on that Payet lad they hyperventilated about. That scissor tackle ushered in a new era of West Ham awareness, and to be fair the millennial generation of West Ham turn out to be dominated by a most cringey cocktail of entitlement, Peaky Blinder costume, misplaced ambition, TK Maxx “designer” jeans, dirty fingernails and Shane outside the ground pronouncing his vowels like half his mouth had a stroke, but he understands Bobby Moore’s legacy better than absolutely anyone out there.
It’s as though poor commercial decisions, an ultra competitive catchment area, some terrible team management and the existent of long standing global players in the market suppressing your potential are not a good enough reason for West Ham becoming the most successful club in the world, oh no, the missing ingredient in fact is ambition. Shane has got to the root of it all and if a potent combo of the club and fans simply “demand” success then it’s going to happen. Think of it as a collective Krays inspired social manifestation of that famed The Secret book someone got you for Christmas, and ended up in the loft.
With Gold & Sullivan yanking the reigns with their somewhat unnerving brand of misplaced narcissism and you can see why it’s a little easier to be less fond of West Ham right now. “That’s because we’re a threat” offers wobbly mouthed Shane in reply, no mate, it’s because you’ve turned into an edition of something Netflix may premiere one day and – plot twist – it ends with you crying into a bowl of gruel with salty tears of regret and self loathing. If you’re listening West Ham, cease from this path, we liked you more before.
They’re managed by (we want) Pellegrini (lad) who with each passing season turns more into a brazen German’s ball sack lying on the sand in “the next beach up” in Fuerteventura.
Some of their players:
Arnautovic – I’d have liked for Everton to sign him just to witness the impact on the Park End of his complete and utter disregards for the club he plays for.
Carroll – he cost them 35 million pounds which is 2019’s money on the side of a bus would convince entire market towns to vote in favour of short to mid term economic ruin.
Anderson – really looks a player him.
Wilshere – come to think of it the picture of Shane I had in my mind wasn’t too unlike him.
Yarmolenko – haha fuck off you.
Nasri – a career that peaked slotting Californian Drip Doctors.
Rice – I’d like to think he’s made Jack Charlton have to change his slacks in a rage somewhere. That
Defence – no idea but just stride past them Everton, you disappointing bastards.
Onto Everton who hit the 40 point mark of a relaxed summer. Of course it shouldn’t be this way, but there’s sufficient time left in the season for Silva to try a few formulas and – importantly – generate some momentum to carry over in the summer to next season. Fuck knows the fans need it as despondency is kicking in somewhat.
Calvert-Lewin is kicking on in good time in that forward position, his array of attributes now may be getting some married to confidence that he belongs in the league, and his frame filling out sufficiently to fly in a vest to Maga. Richarlison scored one and assisted one from the right wing against Chelsea so he will probably start there, and that wee scruff headed favela sex pixie with the big chompers on the left. I can’t even remember who started in the midfield v Chelsea, was it Gomes and Gueye? Think that’s right, with Schneiderlin coming on second half., anyway all of them have a platform in the remaining games to stake their claim for next season. I’d buy Gomes though, no doubt about it.
Our Colombian man Yerald seems to be made of putty and it was interesting to hear Silva push back on Colombia playing him despite their concerns. Big opportunity lost for the player to stake his claim next to Michael Keane, but the door will open again for Zouma. Judging by the meekness of our defence this season you’d think it will be an area to sort out in summer if we’re to progress. Digne is apparently fit and as I’ve given Coleman stick this season it’s only right to point out that he’s been really decent in the past month or so, his defensive contribution certainly has helped galvanise Everton. Pickford will be in goal, and quiet at the back there, he’s the best Everton keeper we’re likely to see for some time.
So that’s us in the home straight, with virtually no pressure on players who have shown they can’t really deal with pressure at all, it’s an opportunity. No doubt the club will be wanting to finish as high as possible for financial reward as much as pride, but I fear our inconsistency will prohibit (perhaps thankfully) Thursday night togger next season.
This isn’t a free pass though as it’s been a disappointing season for all who preside over it at Everton. That the end of the season gives us some opportunities means anyone failing to take them really can’t be part of any Everton moving forward. Well they can like, but I needed something pertinent to close out the preview on. See you again sometime.
Up the toffs.