Southampton v Everton Preview

Wow, what a week, you wanted the drama? Love it mate. Sure, Everton may very well be flirting dangerously with the relegation slots but hey it’s a great weekend distraction and, well, there’s all sort going on that we can truly get our teeth into. We can micro analyse everything and get lost in the hysteria.

This is what happens when all your WWE and C4 Football Italia virgins ascend to adulthood, you place way too much value in paranoid plots and symbolic acts of this or that. Actually that was just plain antagonism (but thanks to the WhatsApp clique for jumping all over my head earlier), let’s carry on try and make something reading that honours this time you’re wasting on the bog right now.

In fact fuck it, let’s get right after it. First Andre Gomes.

How you view the incident and formulate your stance is up to you. I can appreciate  Son did go in with a robust tackle seemingly irked by a prior incident that didn’t go his way. His challenge, however, wasn’t a dangerous one and certainly not out of the ordinary in football. It was the landing which done Gomes in, which looks more an unfortunate event than purposeful assault.

I’m still agog at general West Ham fan reaction to McCarthy’s scissor tackle on Payet a few years ago, a collective over reaction fuelled by partisan frustration at losing a popular key player. Evertonian recoiled at large swathes of West Ham’s support losing their shit over something we thought was a yellow card at worst. Perhaps Spurs fans may be able to empathise with how I feel a little, now.

Miss you Andre.

Secondly, Seamus Coleman.

Some viewed Seamus Coleman going onto the changing room to console Son after the game as a perceived weakness, apparently indicative of why Everton haven’t won a pot for a quarter century. Now it’s entirely my personal preference but I’d rather Everton captain show responsible leadership – which often contains keeping a calm head in crisis and influencing others positively.

Castigating a responsible act of compassion as indicative of a widespread chronic “mentality” problem is quite the stretch. Psychological approach most certainly does have an impact on success in this level of team sports but it’s one of very many facets. Anyway you’ve no doctorate in psychology and you’re virtually on the edge of demanding “mentality monsters” here, plums. But hey, how you formulate your stance and all that.

So let’s wrap up the whole thing by replaying the incident in slow mo and putting it into a paragraph.

The tackle was rum, granted, the landing caused the injury not tackle. Son (maybe with a tad of guilt) was genuinely disturbed at causing such an injury to a fellow pro. Coleman acted like a real leader to compassionately console Son, after tending to his own team mates. The media over egged the sympathy card for Son a bit too much in the days after. Everton’s season is going to shit.

There. That is how the vast, vast majority of neutrals view it (CONSPIRACY!) and how Everton players and staff seem to view it also. If you’re still fuming then that’s perhaps why you’re not captain of Everton.

Lastly, VAR.

Aye keep fuming at that, it’s a fucking disgrace.

Everton are in a bit of a pickle at the moment which we are all aware of, so not much need to expand on how this next future may be called a relegation six pointer if it was being played a little later in the season. Southampton are really shite and so are Everton despite spending tonnes more than Southampton on players in recent years.

The amicable words about Southampton halt right there as if you’ve ever studied their fans for more than a few seconds you’ll see they absolutely reek of why some scousers distance themselves from the English. To put it simply in our terms, they’re bad texans.

They’re part of an elite set of clubs who finished above a shit Everton for one season and thought they could now discard an entire history to claim that they’re the thing every tithead footie fans obsesses over: a bigger club. Then Everton casually took their best ever Manager that very same summer, smack back in the middle of “ahaha why would Koeman leave us for them?”. Beautiful. And Southampton reverted to being scruffy shitehawks who fester in the top flight should they manage to stick around for more than a few seasons. Don’t you ever fucking dare forget your place again.

There’s nothing really offensive about your average Southampton fan it’s just that they’re trying way too hard to get noticed in the Premier League. The over compensation from their travelling support is evident every time they’re trying to engage with an edgy song, but with a complete absence of wit. The home crowd are way too Twickenham, but with added Hush Puppies. Think of the stadium as just a larger Question Time studio, with every one of the dim fuckers lining up a Farage endorsing statement while simultaneously holding the tears for Princess Diana back.

They’re dressed head to toe in the TK Maxx rail nearest the till and have all the menace of a just fed pug, on CBD oil. The Stone Island patches don’t impress us, mates, you’re going home to a detached Wimpey home on an estate that Labour wouldn’t even be arsed knocking doors on. You’re from a place that geographically is a symbolic anus of the whole island we lamentably have to share with you, and no one or nothing of note has ever come from your boring nondescript twat-hamlet. Now get the fuck back in your box, you teds.

Apart from that they’re sound and if Alan Ball was fond of you then that’s good enough for me.

I barely know their Manager nor players, which guarantees a solid pumping for Everton this Saturday. Does that wee scamper the channels shit goblin Shane Long still play for them? There’s their winner. Oh no hang on Danny Ings, defo that same headed bellwipe.

A defeat at their ground is so catastrophic that it can invoke Sam Allardyce as your Manager so this is a witchcraft not to be taken lightly.

Onto Everton who are equally troubled by a cast of out of form players and a growing injury list. The up front roulette spins around to Tosun again who, like the others, will run to not much avail or service for 65 minutes until Silva replaces him with a fresh pair of legs that will have more impact, and us demanding they start up front next game instead. Maybe Calvert-Lewis. Then Kean. Back to Richarlison. Tosun. And so on. It’s like watching from upstairs as the snow fails “to stick” thus denying you a day off school tomorrow. And yet still the snow falls. No idea who will play either side of said striker, Walcott probably though.

Reckon we will see a 4-3-3 again? Take your pick from Davies, Delph, Iwobi, Sigurdsson and Schneiderlin then. Forgetting the last two please, they only cost a mere seventy million pounds.

Defence weirdly looks the most settled part of this team with Mina, Holgate, Digne and Sidibe deserving another run out. Pickford in goal obviously.

Seems a lifetime ago but this is the first team Marco Silva took 3 points off as Everton Manager. Just 15 months later and this fixture is maybe a must not lose, particularly as Southampton are awful and following the game is a two week international break when owners get twitchy. A horrid December is ticking round quickly and you’d think Everton need some momentum or confidence to take into it.

I’d settle for a weekend without any Everton drama. No injuries, no VAR. Just an Everton team remembering that they can take it to teams away from Goodison Park.

Right into these blues.

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