Everton v Chelsea Preview

Well at least it’s never dull.

Although it would probably be nice for it to be dull for a while, picking up lazy two nillers at home every now and then without too much drama and being far away from the media and social media itself treating Everton as its own very car crash on the other side of the carriageway, being rubber necked to fuck.

Shit just doesn’t work that way though, so welcome again to Everton panto season. HE’S BEHIND YOU! Actually it looks quite likely we will end this forsaken month behind everyone else in the league, Everton you perennially disappointing shitbastards.

So Duncan Ferguson will lead his Everton team into the weekend’s clash against a resurgent Chelsea under Frank Lampard. Now I’m no virgin but it sound’s mighty like a scenario some basement dwelling sock cruster may have experienced on their 20th season of Football Manager 2005. The future truly is now, dear blues.

The midweek derby bumming by Big Red’s B Team proved a bridge too far for Marco Silva therefore we find ourselves scratching around for a new Manager while bothering the relegation zone exactly two years to the week we hired Sam Allardyce. Which is a fucking travesty really.

So what have Everton learned in that time? What measures did they put in place to fix it, and how much did they invest in doing so for it to turn into complete failure? Who made those decisions? Is there a mid or long term strategic plan and where do we stand on it? Who is accountable for its delivery? Who is guaranteeing that the decisions taken next will prevent a recurrence of it all turning to utter dogshit again? Were there no fucking lessons learned from last time?

So many questions and probably no answers because the shit ship Everton just sails that way. We can keep replacing Manager after Manager, and throwing big money at underwhelming signing after signing, but there’s a deeper problem than this if it all keeps turning to shit – and so like in any business ( readies podcast ) you go up the chain of accountability until you get to the person who can fix it, or if not fire them all and start again. Many a great wage has been taken out of Everton in the past quarter century with little to show for it.

Each broken cycle of new manager, new signings, inconsistent but patient first season, shit signings, shite new season flirting with relegation, sack manager, new manager… has an effect on the fans who become more disillusioned, sceptical and even despondent. And that makes the task harder for those shiny new Managers coming because, well basically, each and every one of us are waiting for it to turn to shit. As soon as there’s a setback or a run of negative results it invokes all the deep rooted anxieties and insecurities amongst us, and the Manager & players are subject to an excess of pressure which makes turning it around just that bit more difficult than perhaps at other clubs. No one does self fulfilling negative prophecies quite like Evertonians.

Is there a point to this? Perhaps, and here it is. Marco Silvas will keep happening unless you change the pattern. Silva is not the problem, he’s a symptom for a chromic affliction that we can treat each time it surfaces but we really need to go scientific with a specialist to try and stem the root of the problem. The problem being those above him, including Director Of Football, Board Of Directors, Chief Executive, Chairman and Owner. They’re failing Everton and I’m sure this won’t be an epiphany to them, but if the pattern continues then we can look at other examples of clubs previously in this damaging boom bust cycle – their fate was usually relegation.

Everton are nowhere near too fucking good to go down. How many seasons in recent history have we flirted with the relegation zones, go on work it out. This is nearly four years deep into “the Moshiri project” where Everton are becoming the definitive reference for how money in football does not guarantee making you any better. We started this decade with a very competitive Everton under a ginger haired Moyes and a lack of resources, we may well finish this decade with a relegation haunted Everton under a grey haired Moyes and a bounty of resources.

You really must do fucking better, all of you.

Extends to the players that too as you seen on Wednesday night what a complete bunch of shitbags we have wearing royal blue, with the exception maybe of Richarlison and Holgate who at least didn’t resemble rabbits caught in full fucking beam. It’s probably a good idea – with the abundant matrix available for scouting – to consider “character” when desperately targeting players to come and fix this latest malaise we find ourselves in.

As for who I want for new Manager? I’ve no idea mate, but I’ll give you this, I’ll question the suitability of any man that takes the job as if you willingly choose to come to manage Everton then your decision making skills straight away are utterly fucked. Everton as a paradox, chapter 45.

Technically this is a preview so I should really touch on Chelsea who have been a hyper sex version of Everton for the last few years, except they occasionally win stuff and put together teams that bring period of relative joy to their fanbase. They broke with usual strategy by hiring Frank Lampard this season who came in with his hands tied by a transfer ban. It’s early days but it looks a decent decision so far as Lampard has them playing decent football and picking up results, with chances given to young and fringe players really paying off. Not Ross Barkley though as he’s a Kryten headed shithouse who shit on his own doorstep and may he never know true joy again in his footballing career. Beyond that though I wish him well.

Chelsea sit in fourth place in the league with some daylight between them and fifth place. This will not be an easy game and make no mistake Chelsea will be smelling blood at Goodison this Saturday in the early kick off. Everton youth can I recommend generously buying yer dar a whisky chaser beforehand, Goodison will need to be ferocious from the start, but more of that to close this preview.

There’s no need for me to go through Chelsea’s players as you’ll know most of them and what they can do if they face a feckless bunch of meek shithouses like Everton.

There’s also little point in me trying to second guess what players Ferguson may start, but he’s had a front seat view of the problems this season I hope the Stirling man has spotted the various failures of formation and players in it to jostle together something that looks in some way coherent and contains back bone. The lone striker thing for example isn’t working with any of the forwards we have on the books, may we see a combination of them? A famed Everton number 9 perhaps may realise its worth. Not to single just him out but our £45m record signing isn’t scoring goals and didn’t touch the ball for nearly 20 minutes in the derby, and whether he’s chronically out of form, a fading star or simply not all that it is a waste of a space on the team. Or maybe he just needs different man management, fuck nows as you can tell I ain’t that smart to be getting paid to find the solutions, even if plenty have and have failed.

It’s painful to talk about a defence where every centre back is culpable of being exposed time after time by a simple ball over the top at Anfield, and where none of them learned from it or dropped a few yards to prevent more available space than a tumbleweed aided by a gentle breeze in Death Valley. I really can’t bring myself to comment on the headfuck that is Jordan Pickford at the moment too, a goalkeeper who gave a stirring speech on the weekend about the players needing to do all they can to help Marco Silva, before rushing off his line like a daft fucking galoot repeatedly to play a lead assist in getting that same Marco Silva get humiliated and sacked at Anfield.

Maybe I should do a preview of Everton as there’s no need to play oppositions every week when Everton’s biggest foe is Everton themselves.

If you’re going the game on Saturday then seriously well in. No need to tell you how important it’s gonna be to get the fuck behind whatever team our interim Manager puts out as our mutual weekend distraction are genuinely deep in the shit. I hope Duncan Ferguson overseeing Everton against a quality opposition will bring a galvanising effect, but it’s more likely we will ship an early goal and you know what follows that.

That generous whisky chaser could be a wise investment, something which a well meaning Iranian may be rueing right now. Yet nothing fights like an Everton with it’s back to the wall, and right now all of us are feeling cold coarse brick against our shoulder blades. Let’s see what these twats are made of, right fucking into them, blues.

One Comment

  • Brian Reidy  09/12/2019 at 20:48

    Brilliant as ever, summing up my middle aged quasi angst-hope with some subliminally written insight/comedy


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