F*ck off goalkeepers, f*ck off defenders, f*ck off midfielders, f*ck off strikers. F*ck off substitutes. F*ck off injured players. F*ck off Roberto Martinez. F*ck off Graeme Jones. F*ck off coaching staff – especially you Franny f*cking Jeffers, and you know why. F*ck off Bill Kenwright, f*ck off board, f*ck off tea ladies, #f*ckoff @Everton on […]

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Right, one of you has accidentally run over a black cat or something. It’s alright, I won’t be mad if you just own up. It’s either that or Walton Hall Park is actually an ancient burial ground and Bill Kenwright has doomed us all. But seriously – what have we done to deserve this? Merry […]

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Shhhh. We’re trying to watch a match here. You know that Goodison Roar you wax lyrical about? Well, here’s a secret. It doesn’t just emanate from the infrastructure. You have to make it. All of you. And if you spot some daft f*ckers booing at next to nothing, pipe them down. It was a sedate […]

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Everton are dead edgy. To start with, we celebrated cruising to the top of our Europa League group by not being arsed about the Europa League for a night. It was a pleasure to see young players such as Ledson, Dowell, Long and Jones get a go, while Garbutt and Browning were given a chance […]

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Another weekend, another defeat. But will we take solace in the fact we were shaded 1-0 away at the league champions? Of course we won’t. And quite rightly. Simply put, Man City were there for the taking. As always the team was packed with quality but hardly seemed dangerous and after the early departure of […]

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Picture this. On Wednesday I, your humble previewer, sat with an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd supporter watching streams of Everton-Hull and Arsenal-Southampton. 53 minutes in at Goodison and Sone Aluko ambles on to the pitch. My compatriots laugh. “Aluko’s sh*t” they tell me. “Correct,” I reply, “And that’s why, in five minutes, he’ll […]

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At half time on Sunday, with Spurs leading 2-1 against Everton, a statistic popped up on social media. The last time Everton trailed 2-1 at half time and won was in 1994. You’re all aware of the game I’m referring to. Wimbledon at home. Anders Limpar’s questionable decision-making, Barry Horne’s undisputed moment of genius, and […]

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Every now and then Everton provide us with an evening of absolute perfection. Thursday night wasn’t quite that sort of night but it was damn close. James McCarthy picked up another knock and for the most part we were totally under the cosh. Apart from that, it was excellent. I’ve heard some pure shite this […]

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In the great ongoing drama that is football, we endure all sorts, living for those moments of exquisite glory. The trophy, the wonderful run of form, the position that exceeds expectation and silences critics, or John Stones making a tackle. However, almost as enjoyable are the moments of pure serenity as you look to whichever […]

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The international break can fuck off. Oh, sorry. How are you? It’s been a while. Now…where was I? Oh yeah. The international break can fuck off. Not only is it the normal procession of garbage, although England surprised everyone by doing a bit of a professional job at Celtic Park, as if they were…motivated or […]

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